Day 28 - { my lake isle of Inisfree }

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow. . . ."
The Lake Isle of Inisfree, William Butler Yeats

We are at my parents' home in rural Arizona.

The boys are pretty much chained to the Foozball table, Ruby is enjoying hanging out with Dad's dachshund Molly (as long as Molly's not going for her jugular), and pretty soon all my siblings except two, and their families, will be here. It's so awesome. Family is the greatest joy.

(all pictures are from last summer)

Just being here in the desert again is bringing me great joy.

I grew up in the outskirts of Tucson, and my heart belongs to the Arizona desert. There is nothing more soothing to me than to be outside in the early morning, hearing the mourning doves coo, and feeling the cool, dry breeze, and seeing the enormous blue sky everywhere I turn.

My parents don't live in Tucson anymore, but I find that same clear open comfort here in the high desert of the White Mountains.

There's not much that ails me that being here can't cure. Or at least help! :)

Early monsoon storms

A huge variety of new and interesting snacks to soothe my ever-cranky tummy :)

Swimming with the boys in a chlorine-saturated pool, with their shrieks echoing off the stucco walls

Long conversations with Mom while she cuts up fruit for breakfast

Sitting on the enormous rock that holds Benjamin's memorial, full of peaceful, thankful thoughts tinged with tears

A warm cat on my belly while I study the scriptures

Helping my dad plant the garden, harvesting rocks and tumbleweeds first

Watching a rainstorm slowly approach from 30 miles away

If you've never been here, it's hard to describe the sheer openness. You can see the horizon in a complete circle. And then there's the intense quiet. At night, the gazillions of stars.

We've only been here a day and a half, but I can feel already the strength beginning to return to me after a difficult couple of months. I am filled with gratitude for the peace I can find here.

Alma and Light

I read these recently during a difficult week, and was so struck and uplifted by these words from the prophet Alma. Hope you enjoy. . . .

". . . .he looketh down upon all the children of men; and he knows all the thoughts and intents of the heart; for by his hand were they all created from the beginning." (alma 18:32)

 

"And he began to cry unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, have mercy; according to thy abundant mercy which thou hast had upon the people of Nephi, have upon me, and my people." (alma 18:41)

 

"for he knew that king Lamoni was under the power of God; he knew that the dark veil of unbelief was being cast away from his mind,

and the light which did light up his mind,

. . . .the light of the glory of God

. . . .a marvelous light of his goodness—

yea, this light had infused such joy into his soul,

the cloud of darkness having been dispelled,

and that the light of everlasting life was lit up in his soul,

yea, he knew that this had overcome his natural frame, and he was carried away in God—" (alma 19:6)

"overpowered by the Spirit" (alma 19:13)

"overpowered with joy" (alma 19:14)

 Source

Emulating Jesus Christ

                                                      photo credit Rickety Family (I edited)

Building on His firm foundation requires us to emulate Christ's character. There is no joy nor is there any security in giving Him mere lip service. Emulating Him is the key, and our emerging character is the refined structure of our souls. After all the circumstantial scaffolding comes down, character is what is left.

from Elder Neal A. Maxwell in 2002

I just found this quote this morning, and it took my breath away. I wonder what character will be revealed after my "scaffolding" comes down?

Hummer has decided to catch a bird for me, preferably a hawk. He has the front door wide open, and a cup full of chicken feed, and is waiting patiently for a bird to fly in.

Exacto has Quiz Bowl today. H and I are about to go watch his team compete.

< H just said sweetly, "Mommy, when are you going to finish that post?" >

Bye now! :)

Search the Scriptures Diligently - VTing handout

I absolutely loved the quote by President Ezra Taft Benson in this month's Visiting Teaching message. I wanted to be able to see it often and help prod me into a better scripture study habit. So I decided to type it.

Then I decided to make it pretty.

An hour later, I realized that if I was going to actually STUDY the SCRIPTURES before the boys got home from school, I'd better stop fooling around on the computer and DO IT! :)

Two hours later--now the boys are home and I DID study the scriptures and that feels so good.

I thought it might be nice to share my work. I'm not a real expert on prettifying (I usually leave that up to my talented friends!), but I hope someone out there likes this! Feel free to print it out if you'd like. :)

 

Scripture Quote ETB

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Essays & Theses Religion & Spiritual scriptures visiting teaching

 

Credit: I used parts of the Skylit kit from Carina Gardner's Peony Place

Day 16 - { an invincible summer }

Okay. I have something to say again. :)

Have you ever noticed that oranges and grapefruits ripen and are harvested in the dead of winter? Right when our immune systems need a boost the most, eh? I think that's really cool. On the way home from our trip to Texas a couple of weeks ago. I stopped at the beautamus store of H.E.B. and bought. . . .

a HUGE bag of Texas grapefruit

and

a HUGE bag of Texas oranges

And now we are plowing through them with much gusto and delight. (*Update: we're done with the grapefruit. sniff sniff!)

Isn't Heavenly Father amazing, designing oranges and grapefruit this way! It's a wonderful system. :)

It makes me think of something else. . . .

Here is something beautiful and inspiring that we have been watching ever since November.

It was a birthday present for Benjamin from his Aunt Joy -- a kit for growing an oak tree, starting with an acorn!

I have loved watching it sprout and develop leaves during the winter, when all the other oak trees are "asleep." It has brought comfort to watch something grow, and think about what it will become as the years pass.

The last picture in the collage is what it looked like a couple of days ago. Isn't that amazing?

 

I have more to say, but it will have to wait for the next post. :)

Things are clearing emotionally.

I am so grateful.

 

Some notes from recent scripture study. . . .

Jacob 4.

4 For, for this intent have we written these things, that they may know that we knew of Christ, and we had a hope of his glory many hundred years before his coming; and not only we ourselves had a hope of his glory, but also all the holy prophets which were before us.

~ couldn't this apply to His Second Coming, too? ~

 

6 Wherefore, we search the prophets, and we have many revelations and the spirit of prophecy; and having all these witnesses we obtain a hope, and our faith becometh unshaken, insomuch that we truly can command in the name of Jesus and the very trees obey us, or the mountains, or the waves of the sea.

~ my faith is still a bit shaken, but I'm starting to obtain that hope! ~

11 Wherefore, beloved brethren, be reconciled unto him through the atonement of Christ, his Only Begotten Son, and ye may obtain a resurrection, according to the power of the resurrection which is in Christ, and be presented as the first-fruits of Christ unto God, having faith, and obtained a good hope of glory in him before he manifesteth himself in the flesh.

12 And now, beloved, marvel not that I tell you these things; for why not speak of the atonement of Christ, and attain to a perfect knowledge of him, as to attain to the knowledge of a resurrection and the world to come?

~ oh, how I long for a perfect knowledge of the world to come ~

13 Behold, my brethren, he that prophesieth, let him prophesy to the understanding of men; for the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly, for the salvation of our souls. But behold, we are not witnesses alone in these things; for God also spake them unto prophets of old.

~ "things as they really are, and things as they really will be" -- I LOVE that part ~

 

Ether 12: 19 (18-19). 

19 And there were many whose faith was so exceedingly strong, even before Christ came, who could not be kept from within the veil, but truly saw with their eyes the things which they had beheld with an eye of faith, and they were glad.

~ something to work for ~

He Anointed the Eyes of the Blind, Walter Rane

Day 8 - {modern prophets}

Thanksgiving was so wonderful, and I'm looking forward to some fun posting about that. Today, though, I need to express gratitude for a special experience, an example of a tender mercy from Father today just for me.

I have been feeling a lot of numbness lately, with all the painful grief tucked down deep. Staying really busy has helped me stay afloat emotionally, and I intentionally avoid probing into the depths that I know are there.

This has helped me get through November. I hope it will also get me through the next few weeks. But I am already feeling some side-effects, one of them being a lack of Hope. Today in particular--I got home from church and could just feel the clouds surrounding me. Doggedly pursuing other interests keeps me from crying and makes it easier to sleep at night and get up in the morning, but it also prevents me from exploring my heart. It leaves me with the numbness. Today I felt inclined to stop resisting and just give up to despair, crawl back into bed and cry. Cry over Benjamin and his absence from my life. Cry over the fact that I can't seem to get pregnant again. Cry over how horribly long a day can feel.

But I felt a pull to do something uplifting. Someone must have been praying for me at that particular time! Thank you, whoever you were! :) The pull was strong enough to make me pick up the Conference report. It was freezing, so I started a fire in the fireplace, curled up on the couch, and rather half-heartedly started on the talk where I last left off reading.

It was "The Infinite Power of Hope", given by President Uchtdorf. How blessed his words are!

Here are some of my favorite passages. . . .

Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absence--when this desire of our heart is delayed--can make "the heart sick."

I have felt that "heartsick" feeling all too many times. I had never realized that it was partly because of my lack of hope. . .my tendency to begin yielding to despair. Pres. Uchtdorf knows personally what this is like, having grown up in Germany during post World War II, and spending much of his early childhood as a refugee. He shares an amazing experience his mother had during that dark time (to read the whole talk click here).

Hope is a gift of the Spirit.

To me this means I can pray and ask Heavenly Father to bless me with this gift.

The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. [It]. . .advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart.

This was so illuminating to me! The adversary has been trying to kill my hope. He could see that as I was beginning to lose sight of eternity and become enmeshed in the things of this world and its pains and unfairnesses, I was pulling away from the Lord. Now that I recognize that, I can resist it!

The things we hope for are often future events. If only we could look beyond the horizon of mortality into what awaits us beyond this life. Is it possible to imagine a more glorious future than the one prepared for us by our Heavenly Father?  

Why don't I think about that more often?!

Well, because it seems SO LONG until that future! The part that is hard is maintaining hope during the hard times here in mortality.

 

Here comes my absolutely favorite quote from this talk:

No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations.

Isn't that breathtaking? I remember hearing him say those words during Conference and feeling as though Father in Heaven were saying them to me directly! I just want to engrave that sentence on my heart right now.

 

The photo below is one I took last December, only a few weeks after losing my precious little son. I was having lunch alone with Hyrum, and he looked outside and said suddenly, "Mommy, why are the clouds so bright?"

I answered, "Because of the sun. The sun is behind them." Immediately the Spirit struck deep into my heart the truth that because of the Son, even the dark clouds in my life are not really dark. They just mask the brightness for now, and someday they will be moved permanently, and the sun will shine down on me in all its brightness and glory and warmth.

I quickly grabbed the camera to record the image and hopefully remember what I had just learned. :)

This bleak "chapter of my life" is only a chapter. I already know the end of the story, and it is such a happy ending.

And to all who suffer--to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely--I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.

Never surrender.

Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.

Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.

Isn't it wonderful that Heavenly Father still sends prophets to the earth today? To me that is sure proof of His continuing love for His children.

Dear Father, I thank Thee for Pres. Uchtdorf's words, and for Thy Spirit in leading me to them today, bringing me strength and comfort!

painting credit: Carl Heinrich Bloch "The Doubting Thomas"

A Prophet's Counsel for Raising Boys

I have SO been counting down the days to our Relief Society Broadcast tomorrow night! Yippee! It's especially exciting because Pres. Monson will be addressing the women of the Church for the first time since becoming our new prophet.

I wanted to share these words from the meeting in 2003, when our beloved Pres. Hinckley addressed his remarks "To the Women of the Church". He focused on each different life situation of the women in the audience--single sisters, older women, empty nesters, young mothers. I love that he gave specific counsel to mothers who are raising sons. (Um, that would be me. :))

 {Nurture your sons with love and counsel. Teach them the importance of personal cleanliness, of neatness in their dress. Sloppy ways lead to sloppy lives. Instill in them a sense of discipline. Keep them worthy of service to the Church as missionaries. Give them things to do so that they may learn to work. Teach them to be frugal. Labor and frugality lead to prosperity. Teach them that nothing really good happens after 11 o'clock at night. And do not spoil them. If they go on missions, they may be compelled to live in circumstances that you would not wish for them. Do not worry about them. Give them encouragement.}

I love what he said to young mothers, too! To hear these words of love and support brought me such strength! I always come home from these meetings wanting to squeeze my children and play with them and kiss my husband and all the same time. :)

 

{How blessed you are, my dear young mothers. You have children who will be yours forever. I hope that you have been sealed in the house of the Lord and that your family will be an everlasting family in the kingdom of our Father.

{May you be given strength to carry your heavy load, to meet every obligation, to walk side by side with a good and faithful and caring man, and together with him rear and nurture and bring up your children in righteousness and truth. Nothing else you will ever own, no worldly thing you will ever acquire will be worth so much as the love of your children. God bless you, my dear, dear young mothers.}

I am so grateful to live in a day when the Lord has sent prophets to the earth! Tomorrow night I hope to hear words of comfort and strength sent straight to my heart from my Father.

Planting of the Lord

I was reading this morning in Isaiah 61, and was struck by these beautiful verses:

 

1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

 

I love Isaiah's words about what the Messiah will do--the reasons for His coming! Almost two whole verses about His role to those who mourn!

Perhaps it will be some time before I see the "beauty for ashes" and the "oil of joy". That sounds like a Millennial promise.

But as I read the Spirit bore witness to me that I have already seen the fulfillment of some of these promises. The "spirit of heaviness" that so often weighs me down is lifted to a "garment of praise." I glorify Him for the comfort He has provided and I know He will continue to provide! Does that make me a "tree of righteousness" planted by the Lord?

Maybe just a little baby sapling for now. :)

May I grow to a tall, lovely green tree, to shade others, and to glorify my Planter!

I carried him across the river

 

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service (Romans 12:1).

Present your body as a living sacrifice. Sacrifice: the word comes from the Latin sancire, meaning to make sacred. That’s exactly what I was doing: offering my very flesh and blood to God, to meet his purposes, to fulfill the desires for children he had planted within me.

Yesterday's cover story in the Meridian Magazine is one of the most beautiful expressions of the significance of womanhood I have ever read. At first I avoided it because of the picture of a pregnant woman--I am ashamed to admit I still struggle with my feelings when I see pregnant women or new babies. But something told me it was okay; go ahead and read it. I'm so glad I did! This author writes powerfully about the inestimable value of the sacrifices we make to fulfill our part of Heavenly Father's plan, no matter what our situation in life.

I have always sensed a sacredness about our power to bring children into the world, despite the physical challenges. In past pregnancies I feared miscarriage so deeply, believing that then all the pain and discomfort already undergone would be wasted. During the experience of losing Benjamin at 38 weeks, I was taught by the Spirit that it was not a waste at all--that the physical trauma I went through to carry and deliver this precious baby, even though he never breathed outside the womb, was a small price to pay for the rich reward of now being mother to a celestial son!

Read the article here.

Wisdom from Dickens

"If anything could soothe the first sharp pain of a heavy loss, it would be--with me--the reflection, that those I mourned, by being innocently happy here, and loving all about them, had prepared themselves for a purer and happier world. . . . "

"The recollection of past pleasure may become pain. . . .To remember happiness which cannot be restored is pain, but of a softened kind. . . .The good in this state of existence preponderates over the bad, let mis-called philosophers tell us what they will. If our affections be tried, our affections are our consolation and comfort; and memory, however sad, is the best and purest link between this world and a better." (Nicholas Nickleby, p. 65)

Five months since Benjamin joined our family

When Benjamin was born--and had already died, we received so many beautiful words and expressions of love from friends and family. Each one was like receiving a warm hug and a shoulder to cry on. Each one was a testimony that he was Real, that he had become part of our eternal family. I know I realized at the time that I now had a new son to call my own, but was so overpowered by the sadness of his already having passed on through the veil, it was hard to rejoice.

Last November

Today I look out the window and can see the beautiful blooms of the tulips our sweet friends planted when Benjamin was born. They give a feeling of celebration. Normally we say, "Welcome to the world" when a baby is born. We can't say that to Benjamin. . . .but we can say to him, "Welcome to our family!"

Yesterday

The fresh exuberance of the blooms also give me a powerful reminder of the reality of resurrection. They make me think of growth and new life.

Joseph F. Smith said: "When [a] mother is deprived of the pleasure and joy of rearing her babe to manhood or to womanhood in this life, through the hand of death, that privilege will be renewed to her hereafter, and she will enjoy it to a fuller fruition than it would be possible for her to do here. When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test." Someday we will have all the joy of watching little Benjamin grow up! I can't wait!!

Quotable Lemony Snicket

Exacto has been keeping me supplied with all the volumes of "A Series of Unfortunate Events", and I am heartily enjoying them. Here's a great line from The Hostile Hospital. You have to read it out loud. . . .

"Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of 'systematically assisting Sissyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister,' which is easier done than said."

“She clings to the hand of God
to keep from going wild
and in His presence comes to know
His other hand…holds her child.”

~Thais F. Henry~

Coming back

We just arrived back this morning from our trip to Arizona. I picked up and left with Mom only a week after my C-section. Crazy, I know, but Mom had to go because Grandpa Bailey had passed away and we decided it was best for me to go with her so she could keep taking care of me and the boys. This also made it possible for me to attend Mark's wedding as well as Grandpa's funeral, and have Thanksgiving with the family. Chris flew out the night before Thanksgiving, and we drove home together.

It was so comforting to convalesce with Mom and Dad to take care of me--and to continue the grieving process surrounded by my wonderful family. To come home today was really hard. All of Benjamin's clothes and baby blankets are still neatly folded on the shelves of the changing table. I cried and cried when we passed the hospital on the freeway.

Here is a quote I found in an email from Aunt Kathie, who also went through the grief of having a stillborn baby:
In a sermon by Joseph Smith in March 1842, he said, "The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice, as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."

If only it felt like it would be "soon"! The years of mortality stretch ahead of me and I want my baby so badly right now! I just have to remember the eternal perspective I felt while in the Snowflake Temple this past week. Our time here on earth is truly short, but so crucial. There in the Celestial Room I felt strength to continue serving and enduring well. Oh, may I continue to feel it here in the midst of my current reality!

Please continue to pray for me/us! It's still so hard.

The Power and Influence of a Righteous Woman

Sometimes I think about the things my children will face and are facing as they go out into the world and I am petrified. Schoolchildren are learning things way too early, and I don't mean the three R's. I feel like a big part of my job is damage control. So I try really hard to make sure my children are comfortable talking to me, so that I can help prevent spiritual damage whenever possible, and help to heal it when it does occur. I think of what it must have been like for families trying to live the gospel and teach the children behind the Iron Curtain. As the world increases in moral liberality and becomes more anti-Christian, perhaps it will be like we're behind a spirtual Iron Curtain. Already parents' rights are sadly threatened, as to control over what their children may be taught in school. Whenever I start to feel despair over these things, I find great comfort and strength from the words of our modern-day prophets.


Pres. Spencer W. Kimball said this


"To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age. To be a righteous woman during the winding-up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman's strength and influence today can be tenfold what it might be in more tranquil times" (My Beloved Sisters, 17).


What an uplifting way to look at this time! My strength and influence can be tenfold what it might be in more tranquil times! Perhaps my children's influence on others is also magnified. I know they were reserved to come to earth at this time. What an honor it is to be their mother!

Polyphonic Marriage

In the little kingdom of a family, each spouse freely gives something the other does not have and without which neither can be complete and return to God’s presence. Spouses are not a soloist with an accompanist, nor are they two solos. They are the interdependent parts of a duet, singing together in harmony at a level where no solo can go.

– Bruce C. Hafen and Marie K. Hafen, “Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners,” Ensign, August 2007, page 28

My mom sent me this quote, and I love it! It reminds me of a autobiographical book that Madeleine L'Engle wrote about her marriage, called "Two-Part Invention." Marriage is polyphonic music, where each part 'sounds good' by itself, but put together, is a work of art!

Elder Maxwell salutes the work of motherhood

I love this quote I came across yesterday. It's from a talk Elder Maxwell gave in 1978.

"We salute you, sisters, for the joy that is yours as you rejoice in a baby's first smile and as you listen with eager ear to a child's first day at school which bespeaks a special selflessness. Women, more quickly than others, will understand the possible dangers when the word self is militantly placed before other words like fulfillment. You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today's world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms."

Talk about a career with power!

"Our cells divided and grew to the beat of her heart"

I've been reading Jane Clayson Johnson's book "I Am a Mother", and I just love it! She used to be one of the anchors for the CBS Early Morning Show, but is now a full-time mom. Almost every page has a quote I would love to share on this blog. :) Today I will share one that particularly struck me, as I am currently carrying a little one inside me. It made me realize that I'm already influencing my new little son before he's even born!

"Author, obstetrician/gynecologist, and women's health expert Christiane Northrup, M.D., says, 'Our mother provides us with our first experience of nurturing. She is our first and most powerful female role model. It is from her that we learn what it is to be a woman. . . .Our cells divided and grew to the beat of her heart. Our skin, hair, heart, lungs, and bones were nourished by her blood, blood that was awash with the neurochemicals formed in response to her thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. If she was fearful [or] anxious. . . , our bodies knew it. If she felt safe, happy, and fulfilled, we felt that too. . . .
"Every daughter contains her mother and all the women who came before her. The unrealized dreams of our maternal ancestors are part of our heritage' (Mother-Daughter Wisdom, 3)."