The Lord is my light
though clouds may arise.
Faith, stronger than sight,
looks up through the skies
where Jesus forever in glory doth reign
Then how can I ever in darkness remain?
The Lord is my light; He is my joy and my song.
By day and by night He leads me along.
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A beloved friend in Arkansas – Meghan -- sent these photos to me three days ago.
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I was glad to see that it still has the little bunny and candle lantern and bird that we had placed there on our brief visits in the past couple of years. Also some of the shiny rocks. :)
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I am so grateful that 10 years have passed. Ten years have changed the pain I felt at first – like I could cry for years and years and still have tears that needed to fall – to a deep but softened longing for the time when we’re together again. I know that in this life I always have something of greatest joy to look forward to. Someday I will hold this sweet baby boy again and get to enjoy the time of watching him grow and then a forever with our family all together.
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It’s interesting but since Exacto has been on his mission, it has felt less painful to me to not have the family together. It’s like I have two sons on missions and although I miss them both I am grateful they are where they are and doing what they’re doing, and I know the separation is temporary. For the last 10 years there has always been a gap in our family pictures and a gap in the phrase, “our whole family.” Now that gap is just a little bigger and easier to explain.
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That tree is so gorgeous right now! How grateful I am that Meghan could go take these pictures when she did. How grateful I am for a friend like her to remember me at this time! I haven’t seen her for 4 years. I know there are several dear friends back in Arkansas and also in other places who always remember. True friendship like this is precious indeed.
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So grateful for loving friends.
Grateful for a beautiful addition to our family 10 years ago.
Grateful for the Plan of Happiness that promises eternal families.
Grateful for our Savior Jesus Christ who makes it possible.
Things are very well here. I feel incredibly blessed. Not only are my children healthy and doing well but we get to build a house. Not only do we get to build a house but it’s right next to my parents’ home, in a beautiful, quiet place. DC has a good job, we have a son serving as a missionary, we live only a few minutes from a temple. . .I could list blessings for a really long time.
Lately, though, the stress I have been under as general contractor of this house we’re building has started to kind of squash me. Unluckily I planned to wean myself off my antidepressants this summer, while there was plenty of light and the house was supposed to be done, but everything took much longer than anticipated and I am facing the most amount of stress right now, just as I am nearly off my meds completely.
The pressure includes all of the normal parts of overseeing the building of a house—hiring and communicating with subcontractors, making about a kapillion decisions, figuring out how to resolve the problems that come up nearly every day—but also the financial pressure. Without being an expert in this field, I have done my very best in designing and planning this house. I studied books and websites and thought hard and changed things around and tried always to find a happy medium between luxurious and stingy as I decided what this house would be like.
The truth is, you can’t really know what a house is going to cost, until you actually build it. Or at least you can get a good idea from bidding every single thing out and doing all the shopping in advance for all the materials and fixtures. But, by the time you’ve done all that, a year’s gone by, and most of the prices are now out of date or the materials you chose are no longer available, etc. We didn’t have a year to do that, anyway. Another huge blessing is that we’re living with my parents right now, and while that is wonderful, we know that they don’t plan on our staying for long. In fact, it’s already been more than twice as long as we told them it would be.
So I’ve tried to work quickly as well as prudently and thoughtfully. The result is that we are about 2/3 of the way through building a really lovely house. . . .and we have run out of money.
This week I realized how stuck that makes us.
We can’t go forward or backward! The plumbing and electric rough-in are nearly done. It needs wrap, which needs to be lath for stucco, since that will be our siding later on, but the roof is dried in. Way too late to back up and change the design. On the other hand, the money that is left from our private construction loan will get us about up to drywall. No drywall, no flooring, no appliances, no cabinets. It’s not going to be livable yet.
I feel like I have gotten us into the hugest mess of our lives. The only thing can compare it to is when DC failed his Level II fieldwork while we were in Fort Collins. That was a disaster. Emotionally and financially it set us back so much. DC felt truly awful. Here we had sold our house in Arkansas, moved the family across the country, gone into tens of thousands of dollars of debt, and now it looked like it might be for nothing. How grateful we are that it was only a bump in the road, and ended up being a blessing in disguise. It gave us another year in Fort Collins, a wonderful year. Exacto got to finish his senior year without changing schools again. We got to see the beautiful temple finished. DC got another year of time to try to learn this new profession that was like another language to him. It’s all working out just fine.
So I am hoping that somehow this is just another bump in our road. That it will end up being for our good. I feel like an absolute fool—that I should have realized that I was building too big / too nice of a house. But in my defense, I had a variety of estimates given me as to what it costs to build here. And the design drastically affects the cost. My draftsman made mistakes, too, that have been expensive to fix. So it’s not all completely my fault and all along I have prayed over this house, pleading with heaven not to let me make any disastrous mistakes as I took on this responsibility.
It will be rough ahead. The only solution I see is to try to find another private lender to give us just enough to finish and move in, probably leaving lots of work for us to do ourselves. This will require me to take on some part-time work or piano students (or maybe we can do fostercare? that is something I have considered several times since moving here. there’s quite a foster care crisis here in AZ). This also will require us to learn a lot of skills we don’t currently have.
I see us setting our own doors, installing our own stone veneer, building our own closet shelves, doing our own flooring and painting (at least we’ve done those before :), all the landscaping, installing sprinkler and drip systems, etc. I can see cheap or free light fixtures and appliances in this beautiful home, being grateful to have what we need until we can afford what is pretty or nice.
It’s going to be okay. Right?
I have started (out of necessity) to incorporate mediation into my daily routine. I’m already exercising and trying to eat well, and still feeling the anxiety get to me lately. So yep, meditation. I really love a Christian mediation podcast I found recently. It’s done by a hospital chaplain who uses the KJV of the Bible. It’s really beautiful and very helpful.
Today I meditated on the story of Christ asleep on the boat as the disciples start to panic with the storm threatening to overwhelm and sink them all. I have been feeling like the disciples, that this is more that I can handle, but that Christ will help me if I call to Him. Then along with my study of Pres. Uchtdorf’s talk Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear, I can see that He does not want me to be afraid. He does want to change my heart. I feel that if I look to Him and do my very best to live like Him, putting my faith in Him, that this storm too shall pass and soon we will see what this experience was for. I hope.
I am grateful for what I am learning.
Week of December 30, 2013 – January 5, 2014
After 5 years of being in the clear, I began to suffer a major depressive episode these past two weeks. It has been coming on for a while, but really hit the week of Rosebud’s birthday and Christmas. I am grateful for Elder Holland’s words comparing depression to high blood pressure and other physical ailments. I feel that it’s important to talk about it in a similar way. I wish there were a way to measure one’s serotonin levels, but believe me mine have been dangerously low. Thankfully I am under a doctor’s care and have begun a new medication. So far it has been a terribly uncomfortable adjustment but hopefully that will pass soon.
I plan to work very hard building up my strength so that I can be medication-free again in a free months: eating well, being more wise in not taking on more than I can handle, exercise, more social interaction, watching and correcting my thought patterns, and hopefully maybe even yoga. :)
I am so grateful this happened at a time when DC is home on break from school (his first real break in a year and a half!). He has been wonderful, taking on much of my normal work and making it possible for us to still have some good moments together as a family.
On New Year’s Eve we finally got to finish Rosebud’s gingerbread house, much to my satisfaction (it was begun on her birthday but I had to go to bed early for reasons alluded to above and had felt badly ever since).
We also shared our goals with each other and played Balderdash. DC and the boys stayed up till midnight. It’s funny how that used to sound fun to me. :)
On New Year’s Day it snowed again, and we played a new game that was a Christmas gift – Forbidden Desert. It was so fun! A teamwork-type game with some individual role-playing.
Friday found us at the city pool for Fluffy to pass off his last requirement for 1st Class Scout. It was soothing to be in there where it felt like summer again. :) Exacto and DC were so awesome to help him, and it was fun to watch them all.
DC took the boys sledding with all their new gear from Santa. They had a BLAST. (I stayed home with Rosebud due to her suddenly having a fever.)
We had thick snow for much of the day Saturday. Fluffy and Hummer went out sledding again, but Rosebud was really sick. Her fever reached 103.9 and she was delirious. I have never had any of my babies do that before and it was scary. Luckily ibuprofen brought it down and she was still able to at least enjoy watching Mary Poppins.
I am so grateful for medical care for her, too! She’s on antibiotics and doing much better now.
Some reading I have done recently about depression that really helped my perspective is Segullah’s Roundtable series on the topic, found here. I especially loved the first part of the section on Depression and Spirituality. It helps me to think of reaching for Christ. I know He understands me and loves me.
Thank you for your prayers and love, Mom! I love you.
~Michelle
I’m home with sick Rosebud today, and was so inspired by this beautiful video. How I love my Savior Jesus Christ!
I think continuing my 100 Days of Gratitude goes right along with my goaL for this year, don’t you? :)
And so, here’s something that’s been making me smile lately. . . .
I have been so excited about this latest film project from the Church, ever since the first excerpts were shown at the First Presidency Christmas Devotional.
video : A Gift to the World
I was blown away by the incredibly good acting and gorgeous cinematography, by the delicious British accents here and there that seem so appropriate for the King James version language, by the intimate, quiet feel that each scene has.
I came home and watched all of the available episodes again several times, and subscribed to the updates so I could know as soon as possible when they started added the others.
video : The Wise Men Seek Jesus
Quiet. All you hear is the grass swishing with the wind, and occasionally exhales from the camel. It really puts you there! I love what the actor said on this production video about the journey being like our journey – no matter how long or difficult, worth it, as we finally lay the gift of our life before the Lord.
The three that have been added since Christmas are SO GOOD, too!!! I absolutely love each one.
video : Jesus Teaches About the Widow’s Mites
The woman at the well episode is, as the others, directly quoted from the KJV, which I have read and heard hundreds of times, yet with watching this production of the story, I gained so many new insights and have been thinking about it off and on ever since.
video : Jesus Teaches a Samaritan Woman
From the main page you can also get the free mobile app, or subscribe to them as a podcast in iTunes, or all the other latest techie options you might want.
I hope all the rest are this amazing! And I hope you will take time to watch them for yourself. I will never think about those stories the same way again.
And, as a fun bonus. . . .
My friend Real had the privilege of being an extra on the set, and shared in detail on her blog what that was like with these three posts:
And here’s a behind-the-scenes article from the Church.
~ read parts 1 and 2 here and here ~
"And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you today."
~Exodus 14:13
Heavenly Hands, Greg Olsen
We sat there for a while as I cried and we tried to decide what to do. I was ravenously hungry, and DC gave me some of the food he had brought for his own sustenance at the hospital. I had only a little bit of water left in my handy hospital water bottle, and realized that if I were to be able to take my painkiller I had better save the rest.
We looked at the Interstate ahead in helpless frustration. I-30 eastbound was a parking lot. I-30 westbound, the direction we needed, was completely empty because of the police-block. Suddenly a helicopter flew overheard right in that direction, and I called out, “Please, take us with you!!” DC chuckled good-naturedly at his rather strange wife. Finally we decided to head back towards Little Rock, wondering aloud if maybe we could find a different way home that was open.
After heading back the wrong way, I thought I saw a car going on I-30 westbound. I called to DC to pull over. We pulled over in an abandoned gas station, and looked more closely. No, there were no cars getting through still.
I completely lost my composure at this point. I was filled with anxiety and fear over what would happen to us if we were stranded -- a three-day old baby in a cold car, with very little food and water, and the pain that I had to stay on top of, somehow. . . .I was sinking into complete panic. Poor DC had to be the strong one—I couldn’t even form a coherent sentence from crying too hard. He finally said, “I think this would be a good time to say a prayer.”
I don’t remember anything that he said. But I will never forget the unmistakable peace that settled on me during that prayer. I stopped crying. Chris stopped praying. Both of us sat there silently. Rosemary had been sleeping this whole time. It was now 1pm. Neither of us knew what to do still.
DC said, “Maybe if we head back towards Little Rock, we’ll see a way to turn around and go back the right way.” I said, “Okay,” and we started out again. He went onto the ramp that said it went to Little Rock.
And here’s the part that neither of us can explain.
After a minute or two of driving in those roundabout ramp-things, suddenly we found ourselves on the access road on the other side of the freeway, heading towards home! And we were past where the police had blocked it off!
I gasped, “How did we get here?!” DC said, “I have no idea.” And I said, “Well, keep driving!”
We were eight miles from the exit to our house. In stunned amazement, we drove past eight miles of stranded cars completely stopped on the other side of the freeway. Past news trucks and broadcasting towers sitting in the middle of our side of the freeway. Past deep water on both sides of the access road.
It was the most surreal thing I have ever experienced. As the miles passed, DC said, “How are we doing this?” And I said, “I don’t know. Keep driving!” I felt like I knew exactly how the Israelites must have felt, passing through the Red Sea on dry ground, with walls of water on either side.
I kept praying fervently, “Please let us get home. Please let us get home.”
Finally, unbelievably, we got to [our town]. As I saw the familiar parking lot of the Walmart by our house, I thought to myself, “Now that we've made it here, Mom and Dad could even rescue us in the Suburban if we needed.” But, we kept driving.
The main streets of [our town] were very clogged with people trying to get through to the state highway, an alternate to I-30 that was also supposedly closed. As I continued praying non-stop we crawled through, inching along through the traffic, till we got to our neighborhood.
We pulled onto our street. Still praying. And then into our driveway. I started crying again, this time out of sheer amazement and gratitude. It was now 1:30pm, time for my next dose of medicine.
With rain falling, instead of the lacy flakes of snow I had envisioned, I joyfully unbuckled Rosemary from her carseat and came inside to the excited shrieks of our sons, and the amazed tears of Mom and Dad.
Oh, how good it was to be home! I felt like now there could be any weather outside and I would still feel peaceful and happy! Exacto and Fluffy and Hummer all gave hugs and kisses to us and their sweet new baby sister, and they and my parents listened in grateful joy to our story. I told my boys, “Your prayers got us home today.”
Oh, how overwhelmingly thankful l felt to Heavenly Father for giving us this special miracle! Not only had He brought us the long-cherished hope of a new baby in our family, but He even made sure we were home for Christmas Eve, as our sons had prayed.
No helicopter needed.
I will love thee, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust. . . .
In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears. . . .
He sent from above, he took me, he drew me out of many waters. . . .
The Lord liveth; and blessed be my rock; and let the God of my salvation be exalted. . . .
Therefore will I give thanks unto thee, O Lord, . . . .and sing praises unto thy name.
~Psalm 18
Take My Hand, Greg Olsen
Today is Benjamin's second birthday in heaven. I can hardly believe that two years have passed since that most precious day of my life when I held him in my arms.
I am filled with memories of that day to the point that it seems like I could reach through the layers of time somehow. It feels like if I drove to the hospital, somehow I would see us there. The room is always filled with light in my mind.
That day I knew that he didn't get to stay with us, and that at some point that most painful of experiences would come--having to say goodbye for this life. But I was still so happy at being with him--seeing how cute he was, putting my head against his soft head, watching Jaime clean and dress him, feeling heaven so close. I feel that he was watching as we kissed him and carefully dressed him in white.
Each of my parents and sisters, and my brother Joseph, took a turn holding him. It is a testimony to me that the Spirit was very present that I felt no selfishness in letting them share the time. Although every time he was placed back in my arms I had a wave of relief and joy, the time I watched others holding him was also filled with joy. I know there were times that I cried, but most vivid to me is the memory of light and peace that seemed to cover me completely.
I want to express my gratitude for the beautiful experience of having a celestial son. The pain and grief that I have passed through because of the separation from him have been nearly unbearable at times. But I never would trade it for anything. I love him like I love my living sons--with a depth and completeness that I can't help; it's just part of me.
I rejoice in being a mother. I rejoice that I will get the opportunity to nurture and enjoy Benjamin someday. I rejoice in my Savior, who has shared my anguish and provided miraculous healing, and who will restore my son to me in due time.
And so, happy birthday in heaven, sweet Benjamin! I'm so grateful you're my son!
Love,
Mommy
“And the earth shall be given unto them for an inheritance; and they shall multiply and wax strong, and their children shall grow up without sin unto salvation. For the Lord shall be in their midst, and his glory shall be upon them, and he will be their king and their lawgiver.”
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
~ 2 Timothy 1:7
I've been wanting to write this post for several weeks now, to share with you all the miracle that has happened to me. . . .
To show you what was going on in my mind and heart before the miracle, here is a post I started to write at the end of July:
This pregnancy has been a totally different experience emotionally than the others. It is really hard to enjoy it and anticipate what's ahead when the fear weighs so heavily on me. While I am grateful, so SO grateful to have a new life growing inside me, I am trying to focus on each day. To notice and marvel at each movement. To remember to appreciate that sweet closeness that doesn't last no matter what the outcome is. And yet, not to look forward to the future, just in case it turns out like it did before. (No wonder my family thinks I'm a total basket case.)
I am completely disinclined to do many of the things that I've always done in the past. Already I have decided not to get out any baby clothes beforehand, and not to set up the crib. It just hurt too badly to come home to that empty crib last time, with the neatly stacked and folded baby clothes all ready on the shelves of the changing table.
And for once, I'm actually resisting the nesting instinct. Last time we spent weeks and weeks working on the entire house, and it was in impeccable order by the time we received the news that changed our lives permanently.
I should add, too, that the sickness and fear that was in my heart was affecting my friendships, especially with other pregnant women. I would hear someone say, "Well, I just hope this baby comes before the end of the year, so we can get the tax break." And I would freeze up, thinking, "I just hope this baby comes alive--I don't care when." And then I wouldn't know what to say without sounding bitter or paranoid, and that would end that conversation.
Any of you who were around me in May or June or July probably noticed I was antisocial, moody, hard to be around. (I am really sorry!)
I was trying so hard to have faith, but I couldn't seem to just be happy about anything. All I was focused on was getting a living baby in my arms. And that wouldn't be happening until December--and maybe not even then! my mind kept screaming at me--so I had kind of stopped living my life normally.
I was sick inside.
When Christ was on the earth, he went about healing the sick. He laid hands on the blind and they could see. He cast out devils. He even raised the dead.
He comforted broken hearts and calmed storms.
Then he organized his Church, and gave this amazing power--the Priesthood--to his twelve apostles.
I am grateful, so grateful, to know that He has again given this power to men on earth!
When Peter, James, and John laid their hands on Joseph Smith's head, they gave him that same Priesthood power and authority that Jesus Himself had given them. And that has been passed down in the same way since through the generations. . . .to my dad.
When we went back to Arizona a few weeks ago, I asked my dad to give me a Priesthood blessing. I have such precious memories of his blessing me during my growing up years--when I fell out of a swing and knocked my front tooth out, when I was sick with an ear infection, and more recently, an indescribably beautiful blessing the night before I delivered Benjamin.
So, our last night there, he laid his hands on my head and through the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, said the words that the Savior would have said if it had been His hands on my head.
The amazing comfort and reassurance that poured into me completely overwhelmed me. I wish I could talk to you face-to-face and tell you what I heard and what I felt. It was too personal and sacred to share in much detail. . . .
But it healed my heart, and I am so different now than what I was before!
I am able to have joy in this pregnancy now, and real hope for the outcome. I can talk happily with friends about their babies, and not find myself biting back bitter words. I feel that I can plan to bring this baby home, and have started the organizing and cleaning that is natural to me in my normal pregnant state.
The paralyzing fear is gone.
The sheer generosity of our Father in blessing me just to enjoy this pregnancy overwhelms me. He loves me enough to care how I feel right now!
He loves you that much, too.
Isn't it incredible?
photo credit Rickety Family (I edited)
Building on His firm foundation requires us to emulate Christ's character. There is no joy nor is there any security in giving Him mere lip service. Emulating Him is the key, and our emerging character is the refined structure of our souls. After all the circumstantial scaffolding comes down, character is what is left.
from Elder Neal A. Maxwell in 2002
I just found this quote this morning, and it took my breath away. I wonder what character will be revealed after my "scaffolding" comes down?
Hummer has decided to catch a bird for me, preferably a hawk. He has the front door wide open, and a cup full of chicken feed, and is waiting patiently for a bird to fly in.
Exacto has Quiz Bowl today. H and I are about to go watch his team compete.
< H just said sweetly, "Mommy, when are you going to finish that post?" >
Bye now! :)
Tomorrow morning is one of my favorite times of the year. I love celebrating Jesus' Resurrection!
We had a wonderful trip to the Memphis temple today. We did our normal switcheroo routine, so that each of us gets to do a session, while the other enjoys the boys.
I love these pictures that DC took during his turn with the kiddos.
(My half of "enjoying the boys" was not quite as positive and full of the Spirit as you would hope, especially for just coming out of the temple. It started before we even left the parking lot--they were loudly arguing about what color the temple is! Sheesh. It was only downhill from there. My shining example of patience did hold out for about 20 minutes, though, which is longer than usual lately!)
Anyway, I think the best part, besides actually being in the temple, was the ride home. Hummer fell asleep, and the other two were watching "Wall-e" in the back seat, and so DC and I had nearly TWO HOURS of uninterrupted conversation. Now that is heaven. We talked about Benjamin, what we imagine he is doing now, why he doesn't have to experience earth life like we do, etc. We discussed decisions that need to be made regarding our sons here on earth. I asked my Darling how he thinks I am doing. Am I passing the test?
We realized that today was a very appropriate day to be in the Lord's House, performing work for the dead. As Mormons, we know that Jesus Christ, in the time between His death and resurrection, was in the Spirit World, organizing the missionary work for those in spirit prison (see 1 Peter 4:6, and D&C 138:30).
I love thinking that we spent this day before Easter helping with those missionary efforts by providing the ordinances for those children of Heavenly Father who need them to progress! Maybe Benjamin was serving alongside us today!
And now, some Easter thoughts. . . .
I hope I have written often enough about my feelings about my Savior, Jesus Christ, that anyone who even briefly reads this blog knows that I love Him with all my heart.
(Some of my favorite past posts about Him: My Truest Friend -- Ten Months -- Day 8 - {modern prophets} )
I wish that we celebrated Easter more thoroughly, more on the level that we do Christmas! One of my favorite Pres. Hinckley quotes is: ""There would be no Christmas if there had not been Easter."
And so I attempted to write some of my thoughts about what Easter morning means to me. . . .
(I know it's not the best poetry but hopefully it describes the beauty and hope I feel when I think about Christ's Resurrection. The scripture following gets the job done for sure. :)
easter morning
a tomb burst open
satan's power baffled
fatal crack in death's stone
easter morning
a life gently returned
tears spent and dried
a family firmly reunited
And ye rivers, and brooks, and rills, flow down with gladness.
Let the woods and all the trees of the field praise the Lord; and ye solid rocks weep for joy!
And let the sun, moon, and the morning stars sing together, and let all the sons of God shout for joy!
And let the eternal creations declare his name forever and ever!
And again I say, how glorious is the voice we hear from heaven, proclaiming in our ears, glory, and salvation, and honor, and immortality, and eternal life; kingdoms, principalities, and powers!
~ Doctrine and Covenants 128:23
Praise be to God for the matchless gift of His Divine Son! I will sing to Him tomorrow.
Have you ever noticed that oranges and grapefruits ripen and are harvested in the dead of winter? Right when our immune systems need a boost the most, eh? I think that's really cool. On the way home from our trip to Texas a couple of weeks ago. I stopped at the beautamus store of H.E.B. and bought. . . .
a HUGE bag of Texas grapefruit
and
a HUGE bag of Texas oranges
And now we are plowing through them with much gusto and delight. (*Update: we're done with the grapefruit. sniff sniff!)
Isn't Heavenly Father amazing, designing oranges and grapefruit this way! It's a wonderful system. :)
It makes me think of something else. . . .
Here is something beautiful and inspiring that we have been watching ever since November.
It was a birthday present for Benjamin from his Aunt Joy -- a kit for growing an oak tree, starting with an acorn!
I have loved watching it sprout and develop leaves during the winter, when all the other oak trees are "asleep." It has brought comfort to watch something grow, and think about what it will become as the years pass.
The last picture in the collage is what it looked like a couple of days ago. Isn't that amazing?
I have more to say, but it will have to wait for the next post. :)
Things are clearing emotionally.
I am so grateful.
Some notes from recent scripture study. . . .
4 For, for this intent have we written these things, that they may know that we knew of Christ, and we had a hope of his glory many hundred years before his coming; and not only we ourselves had a hope of his glory, but also all the holy prophets which were before us.
~ couldn't this apply to His Second Coming, too? ~
6 Wherefore, we search the prophets, and we have many revelations and the spirit of prophecy; and having all these witnesses we obtain a hope, and our faith becometh unshaken, insomuch that we truly can command in the name of Jesus and the very trees obey us, or the mountains, or the waves of the sea.
~ my faith is still a bit shaken, but I'm starting to obtain that hope! ~
11 Wherefore, beloved brethren, be reconciled unto him through the atonement of Christ, his Only Begotten Son, and ye may obtain a resurrection, 
12 And now, beloved, marvel not that I tell you these things; for why not speak of the atonement of Christ, and attain to a perfect knowledge of him, as to attain to the knowledge of a resurrection and the world to come?
~ oh, how I long for a perfect knowledge of the world to come ~
13 Behold, my brethren, he that prophesieth, let him prophesy to the understanding of men; for the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly, for the salvation of our souls. But behold, we are not witnesses alone in these things; for God also spake them unto prophets of old.
~ "things as they really are, and things as they really will be" -- I LOVE that part ~
19 And there were many whose faith was so exceedingly strong, even before Christ came, who could not be kept from within the veil, but truly saw with their eyes the things which they had beheld with an eye of faith, and they were glad.
~ something to work for ~
He Anointed the Eyes of the Blind, Walter Rane
Remember my post about getting our caricatures done by artist David Bowman?
Well, Becky just pointed me to this contest he's having. I hope I'm not too late, but even if I am, you will enjoy these three pictures by him. They are so beautiful!!
Art Giveaway
Here is all the information you need to know to get your free signed 8x10 print!
You can ALL win a FREE signed 8x10 print of your choice (out of the three prints), by copying and posting to your blog or website this whole post! After you post then send an e-mail to David (contact@bowman-art.com) with your website or blog address telling him you posted it and that you read about this offer on my blog. Also send him your name and mailing address and he will send your signed 8x10 print of your choice :) Hurry because...*This offer expires Monday Jan. 5th at noon!!* (I assume MST, since that's where he lives)
David Bowman: has had a passion for art ever since he could pick up a pencil. He loves creating images of the Savior that inspire and uplift. Along with his Christian fine art, David has also written and illustrated a series of scripture storybooks for children titled "Who's Your Hero". Check out his website at www.bowman-art.com to see more of his precious art. 
"Innocence"
The Savior tells us we need to become as little children to inherit the kingdom of God. I've often wondered what it is about little children Jesus loves most, and I think its their innocence. They are clean slates, seeing the world and others through untarnished eyes. Their hearts are pure, without the baggage of cynicism and self-doubt. In this piece, I've tried to imagine how a child would act upon meeting the Master for the first time. Without reservation or inhibition, I think he would simply want to play with Him. He would be at complete ease, allowing his pure little heart to soak in the love and laughter of His pure, infinite heart. It's no wonder Christ delights in these little ones and sets them up to be our examples.
"Security"
One of the greatest human needs is a sense of security. In all aspects of life, we naturally gravitate towards anything that makes us feel safe. In this piece, I wanted to convey a sense of complete peace and calm like only the Savior can provide. It's a security that allows us to rest assured, without fear or worry, when we put ourselves trustingly in His arms. Little children have that inherent kind of trust in their parents, so it's fitting that the man and girl who modeled for "Security" are actually father and daughter. They generated the exact feel I was looking for.
"My Child"
This piece conveys an intimate, up-close-and-personal feeling of the Savior's love. Notice how all the lines draw your attention and point towards Jesus' face in the center. I chose the name "My Child" because the only thing that could compare (even remotely) to Christ's compassion for us is the love of a parent for his/her child. This image is also intended to put things in perspective. Above all, we are God's children first. He allows us the privilege of experiencing parenthood for ourselves and we are entrusted to be the mothers and fathers of His children here on earth. --David Bowman
Another Christmas post - I don't want it to be over yet! :)
I am so grateful for the celebration of Christmas and for the joys it brings! I know I am a bit late with this, but I thought I could follow the tradition of celebrating Christmas until Epiphany. :)
I want to share with you my absolutely favorite scene from any Christmas movie is 17 minutes into "Mr Krueger's Christmas." It makes me cry every single time.
Meridian Magazine interviewed Director Kieth Merrill about the making of this movie a while back, and I loved reading what he said about filming that particular scene:
Following the rehearsal of the scene where Mr. Krueger visits the manger and pays homage to the Christ Child Jimmy pulled me aside and said, “I need to do this in one take.”
He had certainly proven his ability to nail a scene in one take, but on our low budget I only had one camera and I needed coverage to make the scene work. Cinema 101. Wide. Medium. Close Up. I tried to explain. Then, in that private moment, he shared his feelings for the Savior in a way that in our Mormon tradition was akin to bearing testimony:
"For me this scene and these words are very personal and very real and I will not be able to do it twice."
I am confident in telling you that Mr. Krueger’s emotions as he kneels and talks to the Babe in the manger reflect in reality the feelings of James Stewart toward the Lord, Jesus Christ. The reverence for the Savior of the World so beautifully manifested by Mr. Krueger was a genuine sentiment for this marvelous actor. . . .
Take 4 minutes and watch this--it is so uplifting! (drag the button over to start at 17:00').
Lo, I am with you always.
You promised that,
and when I realized it was true
my soul flared up.
Any unhappiness comes
from forgetting.
-Rumi
Blessed be the birth of our Truest Friend and Savior, Jesus Christ! He is always near us.
He came to earth not only to save us, but to understand us completely. When I can remember that, I feel peace.
Sources:
Wikipedia
Meridian Magazine
Joseph Brickey, "Journey to Bethlehem"
Liz Lemon Swindle, "Be It Unto Me"
I am home sick today, with a severe cold or maybe it's a mild flu. Anyway, I have aches and drips and a bad cough, so unfortunately I am missing today's meetings. My amazing DC got the boys ready and took them, and also will play the piano for the meetings, as I was supposed to be playing the organ. I {heart} you, DC!
I'm sure most of you know that I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Every first Sunday of the month for us in the Church is "Fast Sunday", which means members fast for two meals, and then give the money saved by not eating to the Church to be used to help those in need. (This is beyond the principle of tithing, which we pay regularly based on our income).
During our worship service on Fast Sunday, after partaking of the Sacrament, we are given the opportunity to stand and share our witness of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have only done so twice since Benjamin's death. It is very hard for me to share such deep feelings without bringing to the surface overwhelming emotions that make it hard to talk. But today I had been semi-planning to do so, until waking up ill. . . .
Maybe sharing it this way will be easier--or at least less damp!:)
Of countless blessings Heavenly Father has given me, I consider my testimony to be one of the most precious. It sustained me through the difficulties of my teenage and young adult years, and helped me to choose good things that will forever bless me and my posterity.
But over the past year, which has undoubtedly been the hardest time I have ever experienced, my testimony has become means of sheer survival. I have clung to it as the knowledge of my only hope. I share it now as my "pearl of great price."
{tears already beginning to stream down my face, thereby enhancing my congestion at an alarming rate} :)
I know that Jesus Christ is my personal Savior and my truest Friend. I know that He came to earth as the immortal Son of God yet also the mortal son of Mary. As such, He was willing and able to give His life for all of Father's children, and then take it up again, thus shattering the consequences of the grave! This has always been a source of great comfort to me, but my knowledge of it has been tested by the experience of burying my beautiful little baby boy. As I stood there at his grave after he was lowered into the ground, I was filled with an unearthly peace. There were angels surrounding me then.
In the months since that time, I could not always feel angels nearby. I have had to lean on knowledge through the ministrations of the Holy Ghost.
Jesus Christ has also conquered hell and the consequences of sin. I try so hard, but I am so human. I forget things. I get mad. I fail at things He has asked me to do. I hurt people's feelings by accident, and shamefully, even on purpose sometimes. I could never live in the presence of my perfect Father again, if it were not for Jesus' suffering as He paid for my mistakes. This deepest love that He showed all of us gives me the hope of being clean and worthy through repentance, so that I can have the dearest wishes of my heart of being with Him and my family forever.
It also makes me worthy now to have His Spirit with me, whose comfort I so desperately need.
I bear witness of Heavenly Father's infinite love for us. He loves His children on earth today just as much as in ancient 
I'm sure he had never dreamed that the results of this prayer would affect millions of lives around the world! He was called to be a prophet and bring forth a new testament of Jesus Christ, the Book of Mormon. It is through the Book of Mormon that I know Joseph Smith truly was a prophet of God, and that this Church is truly our Savior's Church.
As it has been translated into over a hundred languages and taken to countries I have never seen, it has been tested again and again and found to be the word of God. I love the Bible and I love the Book of Mormon. Both bring me closer to God and keep me connected to Him during my time away from Him. If you have not read the Book of Mormon, you should!!! It testifies of Christ and strengthens the truthfulness of the Bible! It is true. Email me or leave a comment with your address and I will send you one. :)
The ripple effect of Joseph Smith's vision has brought Heavenly Father's greatest blessings to the earth--the Priesthood authority and temples, where families can be sealed for eternity. Those are big enough that I need to save them for a separate Day of Gratitude post.
Finally, I want to share with you that I know we have a prophet leading Christ's Church today*.
This is my testimony, and I'm so grateful for it!
*His name is Thomas S. Monson, and he will be speaking to us tonight at the First Presidency Christmas Devotional. It will be broadcast at 7pm CST over satellite on Dish Network (channel 9403) and the Internet, if you would like to watch. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir and orchestra will perform, and they always show the beautiful lights on Temple Square, too!
12/9/08 UPDATE: I am so sorry I forgot to credit the pictures! Here are my sources:
Thanksgiving was so wonderful, and I'm looking forward to some fun posting about that. Today, though, I need to express gratitude for a special experience, an example of a tender mercy from Father today just for me.
I have been feeling a lot of numbness lately, with all the painful grief tucked down deep. Staying really busy has helped me stay afloat emotionally, and I intentionally avoid probing into the depths that I know are there.
This has helped me get through November. I hope it will also get me through the next few weeks. But I am already feeling some side-effects, one of them being a lack of Hope. Today in particular--I got home from church and could just feel the clouds surrounding me. Doggedly pursuing other interests keeps me from crying and makes it easier to sleep at night and get up in the morning, but it also prevents me from exploring my heart. It leaves me with the numbness. Today I felt inclined to stop resisting and just give up to despair, crawl back into bed and cry. Cry over Benjamin and his absence from my life. Cry over the fact that I can't seem to get pregnant again. Cry over how horribly long a day can feel.
But I felt a pull to do something uplifting. Someone must have been praying for me at that particular time! Thank you, whoever you were! :) The pull was strong enough to make me pick up the Conference report. It was freezing, so I started a fire in the fireplace, curled up on the couch, and rather half-heartedly started on the talk where I last left off reading.
It was "The Infinite Power of Hope", given by President Uchtdorf. How blessed his words are!
Here are some of my favorite passages. . . .
Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. Its absence--when this desire of our heart is delayed--can make "the heart sick."
I have felt that "heartsick" feeling all too many times. I had never realized that it was partly because of my lack of hope. . .my tendency to begin yielding to despair. Pres. Uchtdorf knows personally what this is like, having grown up in Germany during post World War II, and spending much of his early childhood as a refugee. He shares an amazing experience his mother had during that dark time (to read the whole talk click here).
Hope is a gift of the Spirit.
To me this means I can pray and ask Heavenly Father to bless me with this gift.
The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. [It]. . .advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart.
This was so illuminating to me! The adversary has been trying to kill my hope. He could see that as I was beginning to lose sight of eternity and become enmeshed in the things of this world and its pains and unfairnesses, I was pulling away from the Lord. Now that I recognize that, I can resist it!
The things we hope for are often future events. If only we could look beyond the horizon of mortality into what awaits us beyond this life. Is it possible to imagine a more glorious future than the one prepared for us by our Heavenly Father?
Why don't I think about that more often?!
Well, because it seems SO LONG until that future! The part that is hard is maintaining hope during the hard times here in mortality.
Here comes my absolutely favorite quote from this talk:
No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations.
Isn't that breathtaking? I remember hearing him say those words during Conference and feeling as though Father in Heaven were saying them to me directly! I just want to engrave that sentence on my heart right now.
The photo below is one I took last December, only a few weeks after losing my precious little son. I was having lunch alone with Hyrum, and he looked outside and said suddenly, "Mommy, why are the clouds so bright?"
I answered, "Because of the sun. The sun is behind them." Immediately the Spirit struck deep into my heart the truth that because of the Son, even the dark clouds in my life are not really dark. They just mask the brightness for now, and someday they will be moved permanently, and the sun will shine down on me in all its brightness and glory and warmth.
I quickly grabbed the camera to record the image and hopefully remember what I had just learned. :)
This bleak "chapter of my life" is only a chapter. I already know the end of the story, and it is such a happy ending.
And to all who suffer--to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely--I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.
Never surrender.
Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.
Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.
Isn't it wonderful that Heavenly Father still sends prophets to the earth today? To me that is sure proof of His continuing love for His children.
Dear Father, I thank Thee for Pres. Uchtdorf's words, and for Thy Spirit in leading me to them today, bringing me strength and comfort!
painting credit: Carl Heinrich Bloch "The Doubting Thomas"
