Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My Truest Friend

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Gethsemane, Carl Heinrich Bloch

Sunday night I had a spiritual breakthrough in this journey of healing from Benjamin's death. It was a fulfillment of a priesthood blessing I received in early December, just a few weeks after we buried our beautiful son. I was promised that my "friendship" with the Savior would grow. This intrigued me. I wondered how to access His friendship on the personal level that I so dearly needed it. As mentioned in an earlier post, I couldn't understand how His carrying my griefs helped me right now. His suffering for our sins made sense to me, because we won't have to suffer for them if we repent. But this suffering for our sorrow and affliction--my pain was not being removed, so why did He have to feel it, too? It's hard for me to explain, but it's something that I have been pondering since December. image

Now I think I understand. It was something I have comprehended with my mind, but now the Spirit has taught it directly to my spirit and I can feel its truth. Jesus Christ bore our griefs and carried our sorrows so that no matter what happens, we are not alone. I was misunderstood last week by an acquaintance. She considered my having a baby born dead not to be equivalent to losing a living child. Let me just say that the overwhelming majority of people who have learned about our loss have been so loving and kind, and I am profoundly grateful to those close to me who have provided gentle shelter for my heart. Maybe that's why this shook me all the more. It hurt so badly! I wondered if others feel that way, that they think my grief is more than it should be. I started to wonder if I am crazy for grieving so deeply for a baby who never opened his eyes or took a breath. I certainly can't help my feelings, so maybe there's something wrong with me, etc. It bothered me deeply all week--until Sunday night when I was pondering it yet again and realized that it doesn't matter if no one here on earth understands my pain. I have a Friend who has felt exactly how I feel; in fact, He chose to experience my afflictions for my sake! He understands me. He knows what it feels like to go through days where the minutes drag endlessly by and where just getting out of bed takes immense willpower. He has felt the agonizing crater in my heart that Benjamin's death created. I thank Him and praise Him with my whole soul for going where I am, for being my dearest Friend!

My Truest Friend

8 comments:

Cindi M said...[Reply to comment]

This is excellent. I'm going to use this idea in my own situation right now and think it through some. Thanks for sharing this.

Christian Baker said...[Reply to comment]

Those are beautiful thoughts, Michelle! Thank you for sharing them with me! Love you, Chris

Andrea said...[Reply to comment]

You are so right. I love your insight. I don't think I ever thought of it that way. I always love learning more about the atonement and it's purpose. Thank you for sharing.

Barry said...[Reply to comment]

Thanks for sharing this Michelle. It's very inspirational.

Becky said...[Reply to comment]

This makes me better understand our Savior. How patient He is with us and how dearly He loves us and wants us to feel peace!

snbjork said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, I am so grateful that you had this breakthrough. What a beautiful answer to your prayers. As soon as I saw this beautiful picture I started crying. My spirit was immediately touched by it and I felt my understanding deepen a bit before I even read your words. Thank you so much for sharing this. What immeasurable peace this knowledge can give us if we will remember it.

I don't know how anyone could possibly think that your grief should be any less because your baby was no longer living when you finally met him. He is still your sweet baby no matter how many seconds or days or years you may have had. He was part of you then and he still is now.

What a blessing it is to know that we are never alone. And, as you pointed out, it doesn't mean all our pain and grief will go away. It means that we have our dearest Friend always by our side desiring greatly to grieve with us and to lighten the burden, if possible.

Mom/Nana/A. Nancy said...[Reply to comment]

Thank you for sharing your spiritual awakenings. You're amazing!

tppoo said...[Reply to comment]

I know why you blog--You do it for others. They need your words of enlightenment. Thank you for channeling the spirit of God onto the pages of our computers.

And thanks for sharing the unseen poignant, private moments with your family that so enrich our lives. Thelma next door.