Gethsemane, Carl Heinrich Bloch
Sunday night I had a spiritual breakthrough in this journey of healing from Benjamin's death. It was a fulfillment of a priesthood blessing I received in early December, just a few weeks after we buried our beautiful son. I was promised that my "friendship" with the Savior would grow. This intrigued me. I wondered how to access His friendship on the personal level that I so dearly needed it. As mentioned in an earlier post, I couldn't understand how His carrying my griefs helped me right now. His suffering for our sins made sense to me, because we won't have to suffer for them if we repent. But this suffering for our sorrow and affliction--my pain was not being removed, so why did He have to feel it, too? It's hard for me to explain, but it's something that I have been pondering since December.
Now I think I understand. It was something I have comprehended with my mind, but now the Spirit has taught it directly to my spirit and I can feel its truth. Jesus Christ bore our griefs and carried our sorrows so that no matter what happens, we are not alone. I was misunderstood last week by an acquaintance. She considered my having a baby born dead not to be equivalent to losing a living child. Let me just say that the overwhelming majority of people who have learned about our loss have been so loving and kind, and I am profoundly grateful to those close to me who have provided gentle shelter for my heart. Maybe that's why this shook me all the more. It hurt so badly! I wondered if others feel that way, that they think my grief is more than it should be. I started to wonder if I am crazy for grieving so deeply for a baby who never opened his eyes or took a breath. I certainly can't help my feelings, so maybe there's something wrong with me, etc. It bothered me deeply all week--until Sunday night when I was pondering it yet again and realized that it doesn't matter if no one here on earth understands my pain. I have a Friend who has felt exactly how I feel; in fact, He chose to experience my afflictions for my sake! He understands me. He knows what it feels like to go through days where the minutes drag endlessly by and where just getting out of bed takes immense willpower. He has felt the agonizing crater in my heart that Benjamin's death created. I thank Him and praise Him with my whole soul for going where I am, for being my dearest Friend!