Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My blog is having an identity crisis

Mayhap you have noticed.


Over the past few months, I have had lots of time to think and not very much time to blog. There were two major life changes that caused me to really do some soul-searching and discovering who I am now. And I have wondered whether or not to even continue blogging. Why do I blog, anyway? Why do I read blogs? And why do my little Primary kids at church think bodily sounds are funny? These are all deep questions that I have pondered and--I THINK--found answers to!

I debated about whether or not to share some of this on here. But I decided, yes. Most of ya'll have been with me since my days of agonized, therapeutic posting about my grief. You also deserve to see into my heart now that things are better.

Life Changing Event #1 - Rosebud's birth. Oh, man. It has been so awesome. I feel soooo blessed and soooo happy to have her! Never having had a daughter before, it really has rocked my world. I have always thought of myself as a mother of boys. I think about and worry about many different things than when it was just boys. And of course, Mama's Boys needs a new title, definitely (more about that later. . . .).

Life Changing Event #2 - Shortly after Rosebud's birth, my doctor gave me the very unwelcome news that after 5 C-sections, my uterus cannot handle another pregnancy. He used words like "life threatening" and "very thin at the scar, like Saran wrap" to describe the situation in there. It has taken me months to even be able to talk about this without crying. I have always said that if I did have a girl, I'd have to have two at least, because she'd need a sister! I couldn't stand the thought that Rosebud will grow up with her closest living sibling being 6 years older than her. I felt like I was being forced into an early retirement. I'm only 32! That's way too young to suddenly not have any more babies to look forward to! I wondered what on earth there was to look forward to for the rest of my life that would be anywhere as awesome as holding my own baby.

For a while this kept me on my knees a lot, crying and praying about whether or not this is right. I didn't want to face the answer I was being given, that it is.  Hummer nearly broke my heart when I told him the news. He said in a shocked, sad voice, like he couldn't believe it: "No more babies?!" Although I still don't understand all of why life is so different in some ways than I thought it would be, I am grateful to Heavenly Father for blessing me with a measure of peace about it. And I am SO GRATEFUL for the five beautiful children I do have!

So who am I now? An almost-grandma is what I suddenly feel like! Silly, I know, but I can't help it.

Slowly but surely, though, I have started to realize and discover happy and true things about my new life. A few of them. . . .

~ Never being pregnant again means never facing the sickness and emotional trauma again - I can focus on being the best mom I can be to the sweet babies I have

~ I am hardly retiring yet. As Exacto recently reminded me, they'll still be here for a while!

~ I am DC's wife. Yes, sometimes I need to be reminded of the fact that he is my companion for life and for eternity, not just eternity :)! He will still be here when I AM a grandma, and he is here now.

So. . . .long story short: I am sorry for the very sparse posting. But I have answers now! I have decided WHY I BLOG and WHY I READ BLOGS. I have decided on a new blog title and done a lot of the preliminary designing for the look it will have. It will be unveiled sometime in the next decade, hopefully! And I have decided that little Primary kids just think almost anything is funny. (sigh)

(Anyone have any advice about whether or not to change the url? Or about making sure I can transfer all my posts to a new place, if I do change it?)

And soon, you can follow along with me if you like, as my life gets redefined. . . .

017 edit 

how rosebud gives me kisses :)