Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My blog is having an identity crisis

Mayhap you have noticed.

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Over the past few months, I have had lots of time to think and not very much time to blog. There were two major life changes that caused me to really do some soul-searching and discovering who I am now. And I have wondered whether or not to even continue blogging. Why do I blog, anyway? Why do I read blogs? And why do my little Primary kids at church think bodily sounds are funny? These are all deep questions that I have pondered and--I THINK--found answers to!

I debated about whether or not to share some of this on here. But I decided, yes. Most of ya'll have been with me since my days of agonized, therapeutic posting about my grief. You also deserve to see into my heart now that things are better.

Life Changing Event #1 - Rosebud's birth. Oh, man. It has been so awesome. I feel soooo blessed and soooo happy to have her! Never having had a daughter before, it really has rocked my world. I have always thought of myself as a mother of boys. I think about and worry about many different things than when it was just boys. And of course, Mama's Boys needs a new title, definitely (more about that later. . . .).

Life Changing Event #2 - Shortly after Rosebud's birth, my doctor gave me the very unwelcome news that after 5 C-sections, my uterus cannot handle another pregnancy. He used words like "life threatening" and "very thin at the scar, like Saran wrap" to describe the situation in there. It has taken me months to even be able to talk about this without crying. I have always said that if I did have a girl, I'd have to have two at least, because she'd need a sister! I couldn't stand the thought that Rosebud will grow up with her closest living sibling being 6 years older than her. I felt like I was being forced into an early retirement. I'm only 32! That's way too young to suddenly not have any more babies to look forward to! I wondered what on earth there was to look forward to for the rest of my life that would be anywhere as awesome as holding my own baby.

For a while this kept me on my knees a lot, crying and praying about whether or not this is right. I didn't want to face the answer I was being given, that it is.  Hummer nearly broke my heart when I told him the news. He said in a shocked, sad voice, like he couldn't believe it: "No more babies?!" Although I still don't understand all of why life is so different in some ways than I thought it would be, I am grateful to Heavenly Father for blessing me with a measure of peace about it. And I am SO GRATEFUL for the five beautiful children I do have!

So who am I now? An almost-grandma is what I suddenly feel like! Silly, I know, but I can't help it.

Slowly but surely, though, I have started to realize and discover happy and true things about my new life. A few of them. . . .

~ Never being pregnant again means never facing the sickness and emotional trauma again - I can focus on being the best mom I can be to the sweet babies I have

~ I am hardly retiring yet. As Exacto recently reminded me, they'll still be here for a while!

~ I am DC's wife. Yes, sometimes I need to be reminded of the fact that he is my companion for life and for eternity, not just eternity :)! He will still be here when I AM a grandma, and he is here now.

So. . . .long story short: I am sorry for the very sparse posting. But I have answers now! I have decided WHY I BLOG and WHY I READ BLOGS. I have decided on a new blog title and done a lot of the preliminary designing for the look it will have. It will be unveiled sometime in the next decade, hopefully! And I have decided that little Primary kids just think almost anything is funny. (sigh)

(Anyone have any advice about whether or not to change the url? Or about making sure I can transfer all my posts to a new place, if I do change it?)

And soon, you can follow along with me if you like, as my life gets redefined. . . .

017 edit 

how rosebud gives me kisses :)

14 comments:

snbjork said...[Reply to comment]

You go girl! Life keeps throwing curve balls, but you keep bouncing back (even if it does take some time). I'm so glad you haven't decided to give up! You're an inspiration to me and I'm so grateful for your friendship and awesome example.

Molly said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle! I found your blog and love it!!! Your family is beautiful!!!

Andrea said...[Reply to comment]

First off, I am so sorry to hear about your news. I know how hard that must be. I am sure there is something wonderful to find in the situation. Second, I love that you will still blog. I think it is an amazing tool if used for good.

I would be happy to share with you how I changed my blog title when you need my help. It was easy, and no problems what so ever. I thought I may loose readers but I have more now then ever.
I can't wait to see the new title and layout.

Chocolate on my Cranium said...[Reply to comment]

Your situation mirrors what my own mother faced 24 years ago! She was also 32 and told she couldn't/shouldn't have any more children. She wanted 10 children so badly and had "only" five. My father told her to raise the five she had and when they married she'd have her ten. I remember vividly all the praying and fasting that was done until she found her answer. Being the oldest of five has been a very fun thing! :D

Don't you love those whole mouth slobbery baby kisses?!

Chocolate on my Cranium said...[Reply to comment]

Your situation mirrors what my own mother faced 24 years ago! She was also 32 and told she couldn't/shouldn't have any more children. She wanted 10 children so badly and had "only" five. My father told her to raise the five she had and when they married she'd have her ten. I remember vividly all the praying and fasting that was done until she found her answer. Being the oldest of five has been a very fun thing! :D

Don't you love those whole mouth slobbery baby kisses?!

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, I am sorry to hear that you won't be having any more children...you are a beautiful mother and your children are blessed to have you as a part of their lives. As far as Rosebud goes, she'll be fine...in fact, I dare say she'll love life with four brothers. I had four brothers and no sisters...and I'd want it no other way! Although it would have been fun to have a sister, my mom was always my best friend, and my brothers were awesome. They are still protective, loving, and "watchful" of their sister. She will be blessed by all the boys in her life, and she'll have great examples of the kind of man she'll want to marry some day.
I love you and I'm so glad to hear your blog will continue on.

Cindy said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle,
You are amazing! I know this has been so hard for you. I have been thinking about you a lot. As much as it broke my heart for Madelyn to not have a sister, it has been really neat to bond with her being the only other girl in our household. I think it will make us even closer as she gets older. When we have "girl time" she doesn't have to share me and that's kind of fun. Love you bunches!

Amy Kay said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, I am also happy that you have decided to keep blogging. I wish I had time to still do some. Time...it escapes so quickly. I understand your want for more babies, and you will be blessed. You have the Gospel and an eternity to enjoy so many more "blessings". You are an inspiration to me also. Being a mom of boys is great, but yes I long for a girl too, so enjoy Rosebud, she is so beautiful, and a wonderful gift to yor family. Thank you for letting us all into the life of you and your family. :) Love you girl.

Annalisa said...[Reply to comment]

I feel the same way about being a mom of boys. For so long it was me and 'the Boys' and now I have a girl. I feel so unqualified. Suddenly I feel like wearing makeup and spit up is gross. LOL the Lord knows us best though. We'll make it. Smiles.

llamitanan said...[Reply to comment]

I LOVE the two pictures you used. The first one is so creative and so Bakerish. The second one--I LOVE those baby kisses! Wished we could see all of your sweet Bakers in their fun stages. I'm glad you are continuing to BLOG. It is a wonderful way to see into your heart and family with your being so far away. Wished you could have a dozen more of those unique Baker children but I'm grateful for the ones you have been blessed with. Bring the new title on....:)

Becky said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, it always makes me happy to read one of your blog posts. It also always makes me smile (without fail!!) to see a picture of one of my fantastic-incredible-adorable-hilarious-beautiful nephews and niece. You are brave to share your news. You are also so full of faith to recognize your blessings and to push forward with cheerfulness. You truly have touched more people more times than you realize. May you have strength to keep blessing our lives.

heroineworshipper said...[Reply to comment]

Poor heroine. Blogging is our way of preserving history for future generations.

Andre said...[Reply to comment]

Changes, changes. They come too quickly. Remember that during the millenium you'll be able to have more children. It's sad that the decision was made for you,though.

What would I do without your blog? I just don't have time to spend writing on my blog anymore. Also, life is pretty boring around here. Just the way I like it.

Chris said...[Reply to comment]

I like what you said yesterday when we were taking a nature walk through the park: "We get to do things like this for a long time!" I'm so glad that you find things to be content about, regardless of the situation. I love you!