Dear Mom, I’ve got love like a river.

Week of October 28 – November 3

So, this week.

Here’s how it all went down.

This was an exciting event. haha! Here’s to 177,777 more! (Our other car has about 50K more than this. I’m thinking that’s one of those “significant, subtle blessings” Elder Bednar talked about.:)

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A new niece safely arrived! Congratulations to my beloved sister Becky and her family! I can’t wait to meet her.

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Rosebud had the honor of having her artwork exhibited at a community college here, thanks to a pretty neat library program. They had such a nifty little reception, with refreshments and everything. It was fun.

 

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One of those magical peaceful moments when everyone’s getting along. I love that I can take a picture of it, and it’s like it’s suspended and can’t change! ha!

 

I already mentioned this walk, but can’t help posting a couple more photos. . . .it was so lovely!

C is for Corn-husk Dolls (and candles and cocoa and cozy. And curry. And candy :).

Way harder than I thought! I’m super impressed with whoever came up with these to begin with!

On All Hallow’s Eve—as Fluffy has taken to calling it—we went to Mt. Everest Café and partook of Himalayan cuisine. It was yummy! We also went to the store and let everyone choose a smallish bag of candy, then came home and shared it all.

Friday is when everything suddenly fell into place for our temple trip / balloon release. A couple more photos from that wonderful day. . . .

Again, so grateful for Suzie-Q and others who helped make that possible!

We came back home and had his "birthday breakfast” for dinner (this recipe’s a keeper! I subbed ww flour and they were still amazing.)

 

Sunday was so peaceful and just what I hoped for. DC, Fluffy and I went for a walk to the same place as on Wednesday (I wanted to show DC how beautiful it was.)

We had Benjamin’s traditional birthday dinner and invited a few sweet friends over.

The best parts of the day were the emails, phonecalls, texts, etc. from the people in my life I am so blessed to call family and friends. I especially loved getting to talk to you on the phone for a long time while sitting in the car in the garage (so I could hear you :).

Isn’t it amazing how deep and far-reaching a mother’s love can be? I feel yours here just as much as I did in Florida and as much as I do when I’m with you. It is so awesome to also be on the other side of it now and feel that towards my children.

It is awesome to see that even after 6 years of not being physically together, I still love my Benjamin. Yep.

And even more awesome is to think of how that compares to Christ’s love for all of us.

Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

Isaiah 49:15

Love,

Michelle

My blog is having an identity crisis

Mayhap you have noticed.

Over the past few months, I have had lots of time to think and not very much time to blog. There were two major life changes that caused me to really do some soul-searching and discovering who I am now. And I have wondered whether or not to even continue blogging. Why do I blog, anyway? Why do I read blogs? And why do my little Primary kids at church think bodily sounds are funny? These are all deep questions that I have pondered and--I THINK--found answers to!

I debated about whether or not to share some of this on here. But I decided, yes. Most of ya'll have been with me since my days of agonized, therapeutic posting about my grief. You also deserve to see into my heart now that things are better.

Life Changing Event #1 - Rosebud's birth. Oh, man. It has been so awesome. I feel soooo blessed and soooo happy to have her! Never having had a daughter before, it really has rocked my world. I have always thought of myself as a mother of boys. I think about and worry about many different things than when it was just boys. And of course, Mama's Boys needs a new title, definitely (more about that later. . . .).

Life Changing Event #2 - Shortly after Rosebud's birth, my doctor gave me the very unwelcome news that after 5 C-sections, my uterus cannot handle another pregnancy. He used words like "life threatening" and "very thin at the scar, like Saran wrap" to describe the situation in there. It has taken me months to even be able to talk about this without crying. I have always said that if I did have a girl, I'd have to have two at least, because she'd need a sister! I couldn't stand the thought that Rosebud will grow up with her closest living sibling being 6 years older than her. I felt like I was being forced into an early retirement. I'm only 32! That's way too young to suddenly not have any more babies to look forward to! I wondered what on earth there was to look forward to for the rest of my life that would be anywhere as awesome as holding my own baby.

For a while this kept me on my knees a lot, crying and praying about whether or not this is right. I didn't want to face the answer I was being given, that it is.  Hummer nearly broke my heart when I told him the news. He said in a shocked, sad voice, like he couldn't believe it: "No more babies?!" Although I still don't understand all of why life is so different in some ways than I thought it would be, I am grateful to Heavenly Father for blessing me with a measure of peace about it. And I am SO GRATEFUL for the five beautiful children I do have!

So who am I now? An almost-grandma is what I suddenly feel like! Silly, I know, but I can't help it.

Slowly but surely, though, I have started to realize and discover happy and true things about my new life. A few of them. . . .

~ Never being pregnant again means never facing the sickness and emotional trauma again - I can focus on being the best mom I can be to the sweet babies I have

~ I am hardly retiring yet. As Exacto recently reminded me, they'll still be here for a while!

~ I am DC's wife. Yes, sometimes I need to be reminded of the fact that he is my companion for life and for eternity, not just eternity :)! He will still be here when I AM a grandma, and he is here now.

So. . . .long story short: I am sorry for the very sparse posting. But I have answers now! I have decided WHY I BLOG and WHY I READ BLOGS. I have decided on a new blog title and done a lot of the preliminary designing for the look it will have. It will be unveiled sometime in the next decade, hopefully! And I have decided that little Primary kids just think almost anything is funny. (sigh)

(Anyone have any advice about whether or not to change the url? Or about making sure I can transfer all my posts to a new place, if I do change it?)

And soon, you can follow along with me if you like, as my life gets redefined. . . .

 

how rosebud gives me kisses :)

Day 45 - { joys of having boys }

 

I have planned this post for a while, but as our days with only boys are now numbered, I knew it was time to crank it out. :)

I have absolutely loved having all boys. I don't have anything to compare it to yet, of course, but for me, life with my boys has been full of creativity, noise, live creatures from the outside world, tight hugs, and surprises almost every day.

 

 

 

One thing that has really delighted me and cracked me up is to see how they play with toys--also where they leave them, and how I find them!

 

See this beautiful ceramic dealie that exudes the beauty and grace of motherhood?

 

 

Here's what I found when I dusted BEHIND it (no telling how many weeks? months? it had been there!). . . .

(Little did I know before I had children that stretchy purple spiders would be part of the joy of motherhood.)

 

Some other toy-creativity gems. . .

 

I bet you didn't know that Rubix cubes should be refrigerated!

 

. . . .from Election Day last year. There's something symbolic about this one, I just know it!

 

I love this next one. You can totally see the logic behind it if you've ever read Arnold Lobel's Frog and Toad stories. 

This was what greeted me as I came into my bedroom to go to bed one night.

 

The book was open to this page. I LOVE IT! :)

 

 

 

But here is my personal favorite.

 

I sat down on the {ahem} throne one evening in our guest bathroom, and had the eerie feeling I was being watched.

 

I looked over. . . .

 

and saw this facing me from across the sink!

 

I had nightmares that night.

 

Sometimes I wonder if the boys just sit and dream about ways to crack me up.

 

 

Some more charming pictures of alternative uses for household toys. . . .

 

Stretchy ball that has split its seam = headgear, of course!

 

Toad + medicine syringe = forcefeeding at bathtime

 

I love the energy of our boys. (Most of the time!) One fun tradition Exacto and Fluffy have right now is bidding a dramatic farewell to whichever parent happens to be leaving. Someone (I think it was probably DC) taught them that "goodbye" in German (auf wiedersehen) is pronounced similarly to saying "our feet are the same". They thought that was hilarious. So now when we're pulling out of the garage, they'll come running out jumping on one leg, holding up the other and yelling, "Our feet are the same! Our feet are the same!"

I love the funny things they say. You wouldn't believe (or maybe you would!) the reports I get from Hummer's comments in Primary. Or from his prayers (ahem). He was made infamous by a particular prayer a couple of weeks ago, in which he prayed that we would have macaroni and cheese for lunch. (I was relieved to get home and see some leftover in the fridge! :)

I love (again, most of the time) that they collect things from outdoors. We have had snails crawling around on our table (they had to bring them in so that the snails would relax and come out of their shells), toads on the stairs and under the piano (that was the start of a new commandment in our home of NO LIVE FERAL ANIMALS in the house), acorns and rocks and pinecones and feathers, often coming through the laundry from being stuffed into pockets.

So, what will it be like with a little GIRL in this household?

 

 

We are so excited to find out we can hardly stand it. . . . 

 

 

 

I can't wait.

Day 42 - {our celestial son}

                              Take My Hand, Greg Olsen

 

Today is Benjamin's second birthday in heaven. I can hardly believe that two years have passed since that most precious day of my life when I held him in my arms.

I am filled with memories of that day to the point that it seems like I could reach through the layers of time somehow. It feels like if I drove to the hospital, somehow I would see us there. The room is always filled with light in my mind.

 

 

That day I knew that he didn't get to stay with us, and that at some point that most painful of experiences would come--having to say goodbye for this life. But I was still so happy at being with him--seeing how cute he was, putting my head against his soft head, watching Jaime clean and dress him, feeling heaven so close. I feel that he was watching as we kissed him and carefully dressed him in white.

 

 

Each of my parents and sisters, and my brother Joseph, took a turn holding him. It is a testimony to me that the Spirit was very present that I felt no selfishness in letting them share the time. Although every time he was placed back in my arms I had a wave of relief and joy, the time I watched others holding him was also filled with joy. I know there were times that I cried, but most vivid to me is the memory of light and peace that seemed to cover me completely.

I want to express my gratitude for the beautiful experience of having a celestial son. The pain and grief that I have passed through because of the separation from him have been nearly unbearable at times. But I never would trade it for anything. I love him like I love my living sons--with a depth and completeness that I can't help; it's just part of me.

 

 

 

I rejoice in being a mother. I rejoice that I will get the opportunity to nurture and enjoy Benjamin someday. I rejoice in my Savior, who has shared my anguish and provided miraculous healing, and who will restore my son to me in due time.

And so, happy birthday in heaven, sweet Benjamin! I'm so grateful you're my son!

Love,

Mommy

 

“And the earth shall be given unto them for an inheritance; and they shall multiply and wax strong, and their children shall grow up without sin unto salvation. For the Lord shall be in their midst, and his glory shall be upon them, and he will be their king and their lawgiver.”

Doctrine and Covenants 45:58-59

Portraits

I've never had "pregnancy portraits" before, and I thought it would be fun to do some this time. My friend Sonja was so great, trying all kinds of different poses and letting me change clothes, etc., even coming here to the house for half of the portrait session!

Here are some of my favorites.

At the house. . . .

 

 

 

LOVE these individual shots of the boys! (Sonja took these while DC and I were changing. :)

                                  Exacto

 

                               Fluffy

 

                           Hummer

 

    (Note: do not be deceived by the happy expressions on my sons' faces. They were seriously bribed. :)

 

Next we drove to the cemetery. I love having pictures there because it feels more like Benjamin is with us. We brought a white rose to hold to represent him, as well.

 

 

 

 

And my number one, all-time favorite picture of this session (and possibly of all time). . . . .

 

Ooh, or maybe this one. . . (Can you see all 5 of my children? :)

 

Thank you so much, Sonja! You were just awesome.