Saturday, August 30, 2008

Good times, part 2

I love being around my family. They were so understanding of my moodiness (grief is so annoyingly unpredictable sometimes). I loved having time to work on Benjamin's scrapbook, and read "Breaking Dawn", and cook lots of good food, and talk and talk and talk with my sisters and brothers and parents. Miss you guys!!! Ya'll are the best family in the world!

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Good times in Arizona

I'm losing all hope of ever catching up on the "history-recording" aspect of this blog. So I'm taking a short cut. Here, in two photo mosaics (and there will possibly be others later), are random scenes from our vacation to Arizona.

Events include:

McCleve Reunion in ShowLow, Arizona (Mom's side of the family)

Welcoming home my beloved brother from his mission to Toronto Canada

Bailey Reunion (my immediate family)

cookouts, canoeing, horseshoes, swimming, hiking in the gorgeous White Mountains

Various AZ delights: sunsets, etc.

 

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P.S. I made these on "Mosaic Maker", with my Flickr account. To see the pictures in their original size, visit my photostream set here.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

An Olympic Moment from Hummer

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Hummer found the Olympics to be very inspiring. . . .especially the Women's Volleyball!

 

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Seeing his name

DC's cousin, well, actually, DC's cousin's wife, had a really neat idea that made my day. When she and her kids were visiting a beach in northern Michigan, she wrote Benjamin's name in the sand and took a picture to send to us. Isn't that thoughtful?! It really brought joy to my day.

She also posted it as a tribute on her blog here:

http://yetthereweare.blogspot.com

Just one example of the angelic love we continue to be surrounded with--we are so blessed! Thank you, Cindi!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My Truest Friend

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Gethsemane, Carl Heinrich Bloch

Sunday night I had a spiritual breakthrough in this journey of healing from Benjamin's death. It was a fulfillment of a priesthood blessing I received in early December, just a few weeks after we buried our beautiful son. I was promised that my "friendship" with the Savior would grow. This intrigued me. I wondered how to access His friendship on the personal level that I so dearly needed it. As mentioned in an earlier post, I couldn't understand how His carrying my griefs helped me right now. His suffering for our sins made sense to me, because we won't have to suffer for them if we repent. But this suffering for our sorrow and affliction--my pain was not being removed, so why did He have to feel it, too? It's hard for me to explain, but it's something that I have been pondering since December. image

Now I think I understand. It was something I have comprehended with my mind, but now the Spirit has taught it directly to my spirit and I can feel its truth. Jesus Christ bore our griefs and carried our sorrows so that no matter what happens, we are not alone. I was misunderstood last week by an acquaintance. She considered my having a baby born dead not to be equivalent to losing a living child. Let me just say that the overwhelming majority of people who have learned about our loss have been so loving and kind, and I am profoundly grateful to those close to me who have provided gentle shelter for my heart. Maybe that's why this shook me all the more. It hurt so badly! I wondered if others feel that way, that they think my grief is more than it should be. I started to wonder if I am crazy for grieving so deeply for a baby who never opened his eyes or took a breath. I certainly can't help my feelings, so maybe there's something wrong with me, etc. It bothered me deeply all week--until Sunday night when I was pondering it yet again and realized that it doesn't matter if no one here on earth understands my pain. I have a Friend who has felt exactly how I feel; in fact, He chose to experience my afflictions for my sake! He understands me. He knows what it feels like to go through days where the minutes drag endlessly by and where just getting out of bed takes immense willpower. He has felt the agonizing crater in my heart that Benjamin's death created. I thank Him and praise Him with my whole soul for going where I am, for being my dearest Friend!

My Truest Friend

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Collection of "Benjamin" pictures

For me, seeing Benjamin's name is so therapeutic. Thanks to Cindi for passing on this awesome idea, and taking the first picture. If any of you wonderful readers think of a neat way to write his name, take a picture and send it to me! Or if you could show his name in a far-off place (most of you are far from Arkansas, I think!). You'll make my day!
The mention of my child’s name
may bring tears to my eyes,
but never fails to bring
music to my ears.
If you are truly my friend,
let me hear the beautiful
music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart
and sings to my soul.
                              -author unknown


from Aunt Joy, who named her second sweet baby boy Landen Benjamin,
after our Benjamin! :) ~ 3/5/13


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Fluffy had this idea and carried it out while I was sound asleep! So sweet :) ~  8/29/09

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For you, sweet son, from your whole family ~ top of Four-Mile Knoll, near Snowflake, AZ ~ 6/25/09

from Dallin
from DC's brother Dallin in Oregon ~ created on his favorite multi-player game environment :)

from Annie 1
from Annie 2
from my soon-to-be sister-in-law in Oregon :) These are awesome, Annie! Thank you so much!! ~ 4/15/09

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from sweet Meghan, who has been helping me with Benjamin's scrapbook ~ 4/9/09

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Hummer and Nana did this one ~ 3/22/09

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This one is from a dear friend from our Tallahassee days. Thank you, sweet Amy! ~ 3/13/09

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from Exacto - Primary Song collection! :) ~ 1/10/09

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Taken during our living room renovation. :) ~ 12/31/08

http://www.geogreeting.com/view.html?ydloxtkwsxd
This one is way cool. It includes animation, so visit the link to see it!

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From a Scrabble game with Fluffy :) ~ 11/8/08

Leaf Stitching 2nd try
Made by friends and family at the cemetary after we released the balloons for his 1st birthday. (I had to "stitch" 4 pictures together on Photoshop, so that's why it looks a little crooked.:) 11/3/08


This is adorable! Click to watch short video of my brilliant, beautiful niece saying his name. :)

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Sent by Jaime, the angel nurse who attended us the day of Benjamin's birth. - 10/30/08

2008 10 31 download 097 2008 10 31 download 115
Red Reef Park Beach, Boca Raton - from Aunt Mandy and cousin Ari - 10/30/08 (love those sweet little legs in the first one! :))

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Little tiny baby hats and socks. The hat dotting the {J} is actually one that I made and donated to the hospital. :) Another Jaime creation. Thank you, dear friend!

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Cookie-cutters! - from Aunt Becky - Round Rock, TX - 9/13/08

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A Fluffy creation! :) - 10/23/08

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From Exacto and Fluffy - 10/23/08

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From Fluffy while I was visiting-teaching. :) - 10/21/08

Benjamin
From the Baileys in Laie, Hawaii! Made with shell leis from the Polynesian Cultural Center. - 10/8/08

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From Mark and Manda, in Provo, UT. Y'all are the best! I love you! - 10/6/08

from Malauna
From Malauna, a dear friend from our BYU days, now living in ID - 10/2/08

Copy of DSC03531
Moses posed as a model for this one from my sweet Mom :) - Snowflake, AZ - 10/1/08

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This was Exacto's idea. He carved it himself. :) - 9/21/08

2008-8-28
From Cindi on the northern-most beach of Lake Michigan - 8/24/08

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I did this one while the boys were playing with marble tracks - 8/26/08

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Dogfood letters-- our new form of pet torture! :) - 8/08

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In glue -- while Hummer and I were making a "road". - 9/2/08

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My parents adopted a mile for him--they are so awesome! I love seeing this sign whenever we drive into town from their house.


My little nephew putting wildflowers on Benjamin's monument. Another amazing gift from my parents!

2008-9-01 at Lake Superior
I love this one from Cindi. See how she dotted the {j} and the {i} with seashells? - Lake Superior - 9/1/08

Meme from Becky

My beloved, amazingly talented sister Becky tagged me recently with this fun set of questions. . . .
 

image Ten years ago, I was:
1. Taking care of a 2-month-old Exacto
2. Adjusting to a new life as wife of a graduate student
3. Relearning how to breathe in the Florida humidity
4. Playing for lots of voice students at FSUimage
5. Learning how to cook - it was an uphill battle for a while :)


Five things on my to-do list:
1. Clean off my desk (seems like that's ALWAYS on my list - arg)
2. Start getting next week's Sharing Time ready
3. Finish the dishes (yes, I'm enjoying this guilty pleasure while dishes wait in the sink. Tsk. Tsk.)
4. Call my sister Mandy
5. Work on Benjamin's scrapbook

 image
Snacks I enjoy:
1. Homemade yogurt - mmhmm
2. A handful of chocolate chips discreetly snatched
3. Baby carrots (weird, I know)
4. Apple slices with peanut butter
5. Sugar-free Hershey special darks (these are actually really good!)

Things I would do if I were a millionaire :
1. Pay off the house - heck, buy a new house! (and pay it off)
2. Take YOU out to lunch at least weekly (meaning all of you beloved friends or family who are reading this :)
3. Set aside money for boys' missions / weddings / etc.
4. FINALLY get off this continent and see the world : attend the Wagner festival at Bayreuth, touch the Taj Mahal, walk on the heather in Scotland, meet all the people DC knew on his mission in Germany,  go to Met performances in NY, Berlin Philharmonic, you get the picture
5. Buy a Steinway concert grand (black) for our new houseimage

. . . . .Oh, is it all gone already?! ;-)

Places I have lived:
Provo, UT

Austin, TX

Tucson, AZ

Allentown, PA

Tallahassee, FL

central AR

Collection of "Benjamin" pictures

For me, seeing Benjamin's name is so therapeutic. Thanks to Cindi for passing on this awesome idea, and taking the first picture. If any of you wonderful readers think of a neat way to write his name, take a picture and send it to me! Or if you could show his name in a far-off place (most of you are far from Arkansas, I think!). You'll make my day!

 

Benjamin

From the Baileys in Laie, Hawaii! Made with shell leis from the Polynesian Cultural Center. - 10/8/08

 

IMG_0392

From Mark and Manda, in Provo, UT. Y'all are the best! I love you! - 10/6/08

 

from Malauna

From Malauna, a dear friend from our BYU days, now living in ID - 10/2/08

 

Copy of DSC03531

Moses posed as a model for this one from my sweet Mom :) - Snowflake, AZ - 10/1/08

 

DSCF3376

This was Exacto's idea. He carved it himself. :) - 9/21/08

 

2008-8-28

From Cindi on the northern-most beach of Lake Michigan - 8/24/08

 

DSCF2984 DSCF2986

I did this one while the boys were playing with marble tracks - 8/26/08

 

DSCF2998

Dog Food letters! Our new form of dog torture :) - 8/08

 

DSCF3104

In glue -- while Hummer and I were making a "road". - 9/2/08

 

20080508-2 Benjamin's highway sign 2

My parents adopted a mile for him--they are so awesome! I love seeing this sign whenever we drive into town from their house.

 

My little nephew putting wildflowers on Benjamin's monument. Another amazing gift from my parents!

 

2008-9-01 at Lake Superior

I love this one from Cindi. See how she dotted the {j} and the {i} with seashells? - Lake Superior - 9/1/08