10 years

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A beloved friend in Arkansas – Meghan --  sent these photos to me three days ago.

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I was glad to see that it still has the little bunny and candle lantern and bird that we had placed there on our brief visits in the past couple of years. Also some of the shiny rocks. :)

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I am so grateful that 10 years have passed. Ten years have changed the pain I felt at first – like I could cry for years and years and still have tears that needed to fall – to a deep but softened longing for the time when we’re together again. I know that in this life I always have something of greatest joy to look forward to. Someday I will hold this sweet baby boy again and get to enjoy the time of watching him grow and then a forever with our family all together.

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It’s interesting but since Exacto has been on his mission, it has felt less painful to me to not have the family together. It’s like I have two sons on missions and although I miss them both I am grateful they are where they are and doing what they’re doing, and I know the separation is temporary. For the last 10 years there has always been a gap in our family pictures and a gap in the phrase, “our whole family.” Now that gap is just a little bigger and easier to explain.

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That tree is so gorgeous right now! How grateful I am that Meghan could go take these pictures when she did. How grateful I am for a friend like her to remember me at this time! I haven’t seen her for 4 years. I know there are several dear friends back in Arkansas and also in other places who always remember. True friendship like this is precious indeed.

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So grateful for loving friends.

Grateful for a beautiful addition to our family 10 years ago.

Grateful for the Plan of Happiness that promises eternal families.

Grateful for our Savior Jesus Christ who makes it possible.

Dear Mom, These are the times that try Bakers’ souls.

And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them. Doctrine & Covenants 109:22

Week of March 24 – 30

I would be dishonest if I didn’t admit that this week has given us a beating. Hopefully writing to you about it will be therapeutic and I will feel better afterward (and hopefully you do not feel worse after reading it. :)

First up was a lethal duel with our taxes – getting them filed in both CO and AR was tricky, even for the kindly AARP accountant who helped me. There was an orthodontist appointment for Fluffy during which a very nice person put implements of torture between his molars. There were bouts with the big D that showed me the inevitable effect of my two weeks of not exercising while ill. And those were just the high points of the week.

Just kidding. Actually there were a couple of brightly shining moments. Like a spring walk with Rosebud.

And visiting teaching was a bright moment, too. Nothing like sharing your testimony to start feeling heavenly strength behind you.

Really, the hardest part of the week was just facing some tough realities about our situation. DC is working his living tail off and still feels like he’s trying to learn it all in a foreign language. He just found out that the seemingly ideal fieldwork assignment for the summer probably is not a good choice after all, and is scrambling to find a different one which he will likely need to commute to. I have started looking for a new place to rent and am despairing at the soaring prices. Our normal everyday schedule of Exacto in seminary and at one school and Fluffy homeschooled and Hummer at another school with no bussing and getting them to Scouts on two different nights and Rosebud having major tantrum issues blah blah blah – just normal family stuff – feels so heavy. The issues I am having with the big D are not helping, and it all feels like too much. We are cracking. The funny farm sounds like a lovely restful place. :)

On Saturday we went early to the temple and just sat in the parking lot for a while as I blubbered and tried to get calm enough to go in. Frankly, I was angry. Angry that we are having so many problems that we “shouldn’t” be having. Angry that our life is so different from what we had planned and hoped and worked so dang hard for. Really and helplessly furious at the fact that we are so strapped for time and money and emotional energy. I just felt like there was no help. That we are basically alone in these struggles. It was not one of my finer moments. (I am only admitting all this because I hope it will help me and maybe it will help someone else who is carrying particularly heavy burdens right now.)

It would be silly to have driven all the way down to Denver and not go inside the temple, so with eyes still red and swollen, I walked in hoping for a change of heart.

I have been going to the temple for nearly half my life now—I received my own endowment just after my 19th birthday and now I am 36. But that morning there were so many new things I learned through the Spirit. Some of them were things I knew but needed reminding – like why life is so hard sometimes. One was an overwhelming sense of awe and gratitude at the gift of the Atonement. How could I not see the hope that is in my life because of Christ?

I came out a different person. I felt strong and happy and grateful, ready to face again this challenging little moment in our eternal development. May those “clouds of glory” I was trailing last for a long time!

I have exposed a rather less-attractive part of my soul. I hope anyone reading this is gentle to me. And oh, how I hope I can continue to grow and change! I am such a baby. Obviously I need these sorts of tough times. . . .

Fort Collins temple site in background

I am really, really excited about general conference this weekend! There I will hear words and feel things that will strengthen and comfort me and make me able to continue on.

Thanks for listening and for all the ways you help us. I know we are not alone, and in fact, ridiculously blessed.

Love,

Michelle

Dear Mom, Sometimes I’m like a broken vessel.

Week of December 30, 2013 – January 5, 2014

 

After 5 years of being in the clear, I began to suffer a major depressive episode these past two weeks. It has been coming on for a while, but really hit the week of Rosebud’s birthday and Christmas. I am grateful for Elder Holland’s words comparing depression to high blood pressure and other physical ailments. I feel that it’s important to talk about it in a similar way. I wish there were a way to measure one’s serotonin levels, but believe me mine have been dangerously low. Thankfully I am under a doctor’s care and have begun a new medication. So far it has been a terribly uncomfortable adjustment but hopefully that will pass soon.

I plan to work very hard building up my strength so that I can be medication-free again in a free months: eating well, being more wise in not taking on more than I can handle, exercise, more social interaction, watching and correcting my thought patterns, and hopefully maybe even yoga. :)

I am so grateful this happened at a time when DC is home on break from school (his first real break in a year and a half!). He has been wonderful, taking on much of my normal work and making it possible for us to still have some good moments together as a family.

 

 

On New Year’s Eve we finally got to finish Rosebud’s gingerbread house, much to my satisfaction (it was begun on her birthday but I had to go to bed early for reasons alluded to above and had felt badly ever since).

We also shared our goals with each other and played Balderdash. DC and the boys stayed up till midnight. It’s funny how that used to sound fun to me. :)

On New Year’s Day it snowed again, and we played a new game that was a Christmas gift – Forbidden Desert. It was so fun! A teamwork-type game with some individual role-playing.

 

 

Friday found us at the city pool for Fluffy to pass off his last requirement for 1st Class Scout. It was soothing to be in there where it felt like summer again. :) Exacto and DC were so awesome to help him, and it was fun to watch them all.

 

 

DC took the boys sledding with all their new gear from Santa. They had a BLAST. (I stayed home with Rosebud due to her suddenly having a fever.)

 

 

We had thick snow for much of the day Saturday. Fluffy and Hummer went out sledding again, but Rosebud was really sick. Her fever reached 103.9 and she was delirious. I have never had any of my babies do that before and it was scary. Luckily ibuprofen brought it down and she was still able to at least enjoy watching Mary Poppins.

I am so grateful for medical care for her, too! She’s on antibiotics and doing much better now.

Some reading I have done recently about depression that really helped my perspective is Segullah’s Roundtable series on the topic, found here.  I especially loved the first part of the section on Depression and Spirituality. It helps me to think of reaching for Christ. I know He understands me and loves me.

Thank you for your prayers and love, Mom! I love you.

~Michelle

Day 64 – { eternal families, balloons }

This day turned out to be so beautiful!

Thank you so much for comments and emails on my post asking for ideas on how to remember Benjamin here in CO. We decided go ahead and try for a balloon release in front of the temple, and my sweet friend Suzie-Q offered to watch the littlies so that DC and I could go. This was an answer to prayers – I had felt like things weren’t coming together at all, and then, all of a sudden they did.

The work we did in the temple was so healing and strengthening. We helped to seal families together – husband to wife, son to parents, daughter to parents – people who are deceased who never had the chance to receive those blessings in this life. It was such a special, heavenly morning. One tender mercy was that in our group was an older couple who had lost twin girls in 1981. The mother was so compassionate to me, sharing some beautiful stories that I now hold close to my heart.

 

 

We were even able to go and meet Exacto and Fluffy in the temple baptistry – their faces were bright as we came out with them, even radiant.

I left the temple rejoicing that Heavenly Father has made a plan for families to be united eternally, and also wanting very much for our family to have more peace and harmony so that we can feel Benjamin with us more often.

 

Suzie-Q met us there with Hummer and Rosebud, and my awesome sister-in-law Daniela came over on very short notice with her Italian mother and the two sweet little ones. And so the celebration commenced, at the Denver Temple instead of Pinecrest Cemetery in central Arkansas.

We all wrote notes on the balloons and then sang Happy Birthday.

 

As we released the balloons we sang I Am a Child of God. Then we watched them until we couldn’t see them any more. Hummer lay out flat on the grass and watched the very longest.

 

I think of the temple as a bridge between heaven and earth. It really was a perfect place to sing to Benjamin and celebrate his place in our family -- which hopefully will be forever, if we can just be faithful now!

Tomorrow we’ll celebrate his “real” birthday, but I am so grateful for the beautiful day we had today at the Denver Temple.

waning (mostly) on the verbosity. . .

Well, after spending 2 1/2 hours on that last post, I am realizing that I still have a ways to go with the simplifying thing. I loved a friend's comment on facebook where she mentioned a journal she's using --a 5-year journal with 6 lines per day. This friend happens to have also been my 5th grade teacher, and someone I consider a mentor of some of my formative years. I loved that feeling of being taught by her again. SIX LINES per DAY. She says she thinks about the "essence of the day". . . ."Little vignettes into the big things." wow.

Okay, so here's the six-line version (six lines in Windows Live Writer)  for today and yesterday. (I don't know if I can manage any great writing here, but it'll be fun to try! :) And also a correction/clarification to my last post. . .

 

1/14/11

Attended awards assemblies at the elementary school for Fluffy and Hummer. During the first, I sat with the parents of kids who have been in classes with my boys since we moved here, and during the second, I sat with a sister from church whom I just officially met for the first time a few days ago. Watched some of the visibly well-to-do parents photograph their children and pondered whether a feudal system of sorts still exists today. :) The evening saw an unplanned visit from our neighbors. They are upset because the city voted to repair our street and our property, but to wait on theirs until their lawsuit is settled. I tried to gently suggest that perhaps they are choosing between getting it done promptly or getting it done eventually with some money to show for it. A very tricky conversation. I do hope they know I am not judging them--they did suffer more from the flooding.

 

1/15/11

Home all day with my favorite people in the world. More than a little irritable from yet another rough night, but trying hard not to show it. (Yes, I know it's my fault she still doesn't sleep! I'll stop complaining and merely let you all know when I have accomplished the emotional feat of accepting my life with no more babies.) Saturday jobs with amazingly little dawdling or complaining from the boys--woohoo! DC and I both spent some good time working on stuff for our callings. I am READY for tomorrow with my Sunbeams. I will NOT come home crying this time. (I hope.) Played Blokus with the boys (they helped me win :) and jumped on the trampoline with melting snow all around. They turned on "Planet Earth" while I was making dinner and it brought back sweet, clear memories of Rosebud a year ago, when they first watched it and we were all so euphoric to have her here with us.

 

Wow, that is hard but fun. And good for me. The perfectionist in me is trying to make me go back and rewrite, but I'm not going to this time!

 

And clarification to something I said the other day, that "problems are temporary because our God is not." I knew when I wrote that that there was a whole lot underneath why I feel that way that was not getting explained. Those words are too trite for what I was trying to express.

This life is only the "second act of a three-part play." We are not meant to stay here. The most important things--hopefully what we have treasured here--we will take with us when we die. And all of the perplexing, baffling, disturbing, heart-wrenching, agonizing, irritating moments that we experience in this life will have served their purpose and no longer trouble us. I have to remind myself of this whenever I find myself starting to despair at the bewildering problems and darknesses of this world--it is not forever. DC's Uncle Kent said something to us after Benjamin died that has helped me ever since: "One day all will be well with the Lord's covenant people." I couldn't always FEEL that, but it's true.

And if we let Him, He helps us have peace even now.

 

{ p.s. on a lighter note, enjoy the updated Quotables! :) } ---------------------------------->

{ The loving kindness of our God } or "Our Christmas Eve Miracle", part one

How do you capture the wind on the water?

How do you count all the stars in the sky?

How can you measure the love of a mother?

Or how can you write down a baby's first cry?

~ Candlelight Carol, John Rutter

Rosemary's birth was a flawless C-section. The same amazing nurse who took care of us the day we had Benjamin was my nurse again. (Love you so much, Jaime!!) And the same doctor delivered the baby. It was even in the same operating room, Jaime told me, as she led me in. Surely Benjamin was there with us, watching over us with joy and maybe even helping things go well.

 

The story of what happened to us three days later, on Christmas Eve, to me is a story of the loving kindness of Heavenly Father. I have written it journal-style, and want to tell it to you (somewhat edited) in 3 separate posts. It is important enough to me to tell it well. . . and a newborn really does a number on your schedule, eh? :) awesome.

 

So here is "Our Christmas Eve Miracle", part one. . . .

We knew for most of the year that 2009’s Christmas would be a very special one. Our new baby was due right around that time. As the time drew closer, and a birth date of 12/21 was scheduled, the doctor told me that the baby and I would likely come home on Christmas Eve.

The anxieties of this pregnancy were greatly sharpened by the trauma of having lost Benjamin so close to his due date with my last pregnancy. I felt like each day I had to learn again to walk by faith. Sometimes “the waves grew boisterous” like when Peter walked on the water, and I would panic and start to sink.

Gratefully, my sons’ faith was strong and pure enough that they looked forward whole-heartedly to December 21^st, knowing that Heavenly Father would bless us to bring this baby home. They prayed every single day for Rosemary to be born safely, and we talked about it endlessly, how wonderful it would be.

Then came that beautiful morning when I heard my daughter’s first cry after she was pulled from my womb. The joy and gratitude and relief I felt at that moment are impossible to describe. When she was placed in my arms I could hardly believe it wasn’t a dream. Here was a living, breathing, healthy-pink baby, and she was mine!

That first day and night are a happy haze in my memory. Mom and DC were right there for her birth, and Dad came in soon after. Later Dad picked up the boys from school and brought them to the hospital to visit, and I thought I would burst with the joy and love I felt, watching them hold her. That night she and I were awake pretty much the whole night, and I nursed her and stared at her in awe, not even wanting to sleep.

 

The next day as I called Mom to check in on how the boys were doing, missing them, she mentioned that Fluffy had prayed that Rosemary and I would be able to come home from the hospital safely. That startled me a little. I felt a bit like there was nothing to pray for now that my deepest wish for the past two years had been granted! I realized that for my sweet sons at home, things were still much like last time. They had come to see me and Benjamin in the hospital then, too. But then I came home. . . .alone.

I commented to Mom something to that effect, and said, “I guess for them we’re not out of the woods yet.”

On Wednesday, two days after her birth, it started to rain. A lot. I heard that it was also supposed to rain the next day, Christmas Eve, and groaned at what an un-picturesque prospect that was. Ick. Rain on Christmas Eve. I hoped that somehow it would get cold enough to snow after all. I envisioned gentle white flakes falling softly as we lifted the infant seat out of the car and brought in our precious new baby. I’ve always been a bit idealistic. :)

The doctor came in to consult with us, and I asked if I could go ahead and be discharged. (The epidural had been out for only a couple of hours, if I remember right). He seemed to feel that it might be best to wait one more night. So we decided that the next morning, Christmas Eve, we would go home.

But by nightfall Wednesday the weather had gotten ridiculous. Whoever heard of pouring rain and a wild thunderstorm two days before Christmas? It was jarring to me in my new-baby euphoria, and being sleep-deprived as well, I literally had to pray to feel more peaceful and not to worry about the crashing violence outside.

Thursday morning’s shift-change brought the unwelcome news that the Interstate to where we live had flooded, and was now closed. My heart dropped into my stomach.

I suddenly felt absolutely desperate to get home, no matter what. My boys needed us to come home! Not only was it Christmas Eve, but I knew they were praying for us, and it seemed that we needed to be home to fulfill the great faith they had shown in Heavenly Father's promise that Rosemary would arrive safely.

So even though my mind was racing with a bit of panic, anguishing over what it would be like if we couldn’t get home, I also felt a calm determination to act as though we were going home, no matter what. I got up and got dressed, and put on makeup. I packed up all our personal belongings strewn about the room. DC got on the phone to try to find an alternate route. The weather forecast was showing that things would only get worse during the day, that it would be an uncertain amount of time before the Interstate could reopen. It appeared that the sooner we could leave, the better chance we had. . . .

"December 23 & 24 saw [a] flood event with 9.52" of rain in those two days alone. Roads were closed and homes flooded on Christmas Eve. It was the first time in history that Little Rock recorded more than 4 inches of rain on two consecutive days.

"Yearly Rainfall: On average Little Rock gets around 50 inches of rain a year. The previous record was 75.54" set in 1882. . . .The Christmas Eve Flood shattered that record making 2009 the wettest year in recorded weather history for Little Rock with 81.79" of rain for the year." source

Eighteen Months

Today marks Benjamin's 18-month birthday. It would have been his first day in Nursery! So sweet to think about! Of course, he would be the cutest little curly headed boy ever, toddling around on chubby legs. I think he has light blue-gray eyes. . . .

And I would be sitting so comfortably in Relief Society, breathing a huge sigh of relief that I didn't have to wrassle with him all through Church anymore.

Today I'll probably sigh, but it won't be of relief. It won't be completely of sadness, either. The sadness is still potent sometimes, but it tends more towards a wistful thoughtfulness now. I feel more of the reality that I have such a beautiful son, about whom I never need to worry.

The poem I want to share for this post is one I started writing well over a year ago. I had had this powerful thought about the fact that having a piece of my heart permanently missing from earth, while painful, has the useful effect of loosening the hold this world has on me. It totally changed my perspective about the length of mortal life, and the purpose of trials.  So I wrote about it.

Today also marks my Grandpa Bailey's 91st birthday. He died just a few days after Benjamin. (My poor dad--he went from speaking at his grandson's funeral to speaking at his father's funeral only six days later!) I miss him today, too.

The sealing power of temple covenants through the Atonement of Jesus Christ is what makes experiences like these not only bearable, but cause for joy! Treasure laid up in heaven cannot rust or decay. Each painful loss here equals the deepest happiness there.

So I added to the poem about my treasured son, and revised it a few times, and here it is: :)

 

Day 26 - { better-than-we-deserve neighbors }

Our Rooba (whose name continues to mutate) is good for many things:

Hand sanitizing. . . .

 

A pre-wash cycle for our dishes, thus saving on our water bill. . . .

(nice, short, sound-free, low-quality videos below)

 

But her heroic efforts at roto-tilling the garden, while appreciated, lacked the continuity and evenness that one would wish for. . . .

Thankfully, however, our garden is now planted and thriving.

 

I would like to introduce you to the nicest neighbors ever:

A recently retired couple, who are very involved with service activities at their church and with community organizations. They are talented at so many things and amazingly tech-savvy.

And they are just plain nice. It can't be easy living next to a noisy family like us, but they seem to think it's entertaining rather than annoying! (so awesome).

They have watered our plants for us when we were out of town, let us share the Sunday paper with them, given on-demand gardening advice, invited us to church, shared their many tools with us, invited our boys over to play with their granddaughter, visited us in the hospital after Benjamin was born, shared their home-project expertise with us, any thing you could think of that would be nice to have a neighbor for, they have given freely and with love.

I always worry that we are completely in their debt, that we can never be as good friends to them as they have been to us!

And so, this is the last straw!

I came home a couple of weeks ago to find that Roger had come over and roto-tilled our garden for us.

I thought: That's it. They get a post on my blog. 

(My charity never faileth. ha :)

 

Some people-- like these good neighbors of ours--help us understand Heavenly Father's love better. We are forever in His debt because first, He has given us our lives, the very air we breathe. And second, every time we "do something for" Him He blesses us again, ever more richly than we deserve. (*see King Benjamin's teachings about this*)

I am so grateful for these wonderful neighbors who are "peaceable followers of Christ", and with whom we will never catch up in the Niceness Contest. :) We love you guys!

 

Emulating Jesus Christ

                                                      photo credit Rickety Family (I edited)

Building on His firm foundation requires us to emulate Christ's character. There is no joy nor is there any security in giving Him mere lip service. Emulating Him is the key, and our emerging character is the refined structure of our souls. After all the circumstantial scaffolding comes down, character is what is left.

from Elder Neal A. Maxwell in 2002

I just found this quote this morning, and it took my breath away. I wonder what character will be revealed after my "scaffolding" comes down?

Hummer has decided to catch a bird for me, preferably a hawk. He has the front door wide open, and a cup full of chicken feed, and is waiting patiently for a bird to fly in.

Exacto has Quiz Bowl today. H and I are about to go watch his team compete.

< H just said sweetly, "Mommy, when are you going to finish that post?" >

Bye now! :)

Day 22 - { easter morning }

Tomorrow morning is one of my favorite times of the year. I love celebrating Jesus' Resurrection!

We had a wonderful trip to the Memphis temple today. We did our normal switcheroo routine, so that each of us gets to do a session, while the other enjoys the boys.

I love these pictures that DC took during his turn with the kiddos.

(My half of "enjoying the boys" was not quite as positive and full of the Spirit as you would hope, especially for just coming out of the temple. It started before we even left the parking lot--they were loudly arguing about what color the temple is! Sheesh. It was only downhill from there. My shining example of patience did hold out for about 20 minutes, though, which is longer than usual lately!)

Anyway, I think the best part, besides actually being in the temple, was the ride home. Hummer fell asleep, and the other two were watching "Wall-e" in the back seat, and so DC and I had nearly TWO HOURS of uninterrupted conversation. Now that is heaven. We talked about Benjamin, what we imagine he is doing now, why he doesn't have to experience earth life like we do, etc. We discussed decisions that need to be made regarding our sons here on earth. I asked my Darling how he thinks I am doing. Am I passing the test?

We realized that today was a very appropriate day to be in the Lord's House, performing work for the dead. As Mormons, we know that Jesus Christ, in the time between His death and resurrection, was in the Spirit World, organizing the missionary work for those in spirit prison (see 1 Peter 4:6, and D&C 138:30).

I love thinking that we spent this day before Easter helping with those missionary efforts by providing the ordinances for those children of Heavenly Father who need them to progress! Maybe Benjamin was serving alongside us today!

And now, some Easter thoughts. . . .

I hope I have written often enough about my feelings about my Savior, Jesus Christ, that anyone who even briefly reads this blog knows that I love Him with all my heart.

(Some of my favorite past posts about Him: My Truest Friend -- Ten Months -- Day 8 - {modern prophets} )

I wish that we celebrated Easter more thoroughly, more on the level that we do Christmas! One of my favorite Pres. Hinckley quotes is: ""There would be no Christmas if there had not been Easter."

And so I attempted to write some of my thoughts about what Easter morning means to me. . . .

(I know it's not the best poetry but hopefully it describes the beauty and hope I feel when I think about Christ's Resurrection. The scripture following gets the job done for sure. :)

 

 

easter morning

a tomb burst open

satan's power baffled

fatal crack in death's stone

 

easter morning

a life gently returned

tears spent and dried

a family firmly reunited

 

 

 

Let the mountains shout for joy, and all ye valleys cry aloud; and all ye seas and dry lands tell the wonders of your Eternal King!

And ye rivers, and brooks, and rills, flow down with gladness.

Let the woods and all the trees of the field praise the Lord; and ye solid rocks weep for joy!

And let the sun, moon, and the morning stars sing together, and let all the sons of God shout for joy!

And let the eternal creations declare his name forever and ever!

And again I say, how glorious is the voice we hear from heaven, proclaiming in our ears, glory, and salvation, and honor, and immortality, and eternal life; kingdoms, principalities, and powers!

~ Doctrine and Covenants 128:23

 

Praise be to God for the matchless gift of His Divine Son! I will sing to Him tomorrow.