Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Dear Mom, These are the times that try Bakers’ souls.

And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them. Doctrine & Covenants 109:22

Week of March 24 – 30

I would be dishonest if I didn’t admit that this week has given us a beating. Hopefully writing to you about it will be therapeutic and I will feel better afterward (and hopefully you do not feel worse after reading it. :)

First up was a lethal duel with our taxes – getting them filed in both CO and AR was tricky, even for the kindly AARP accountant who helped me. There was an orthodontist appointment for Fluffy during which a very nice person put implements of torture between his molars. There were bouts with the big D that showed me the inevitable effect of my two weeks of not exercising while ill. And those were just the high points of the week.

Just kidding. Actually there were a couple of brightly shining moments. Like a spring walk with Rosebud.




And visiting teaching was a bright moment, too. Nothing like sharing your testimony to start feeling heavenly strength behind you.

Really, the hardest part of the week was just facing some tough realities about our situation. DC is working his living tail off and still feels like he’s trying to learn it all in a foreign language. He just found out that the seemingly ideal fieldwork assignment for the summer probably is not a good choice after all, and is scrambling to find a different one which he will likely need to commute to. I have started looking for a new place to rent and am despairing at the soaring prices. Our normal everyday schedule of Exacto in seminary and at one school and Fluffy homeschooled and Hummer at another school with no bussing and getting them to Scouts on two different nights and Rosebud having major tantrum issues blah blah blah – just normal family stuff – feels so heavy. The issues I am having with the big D are not helping, and it all feels like too much. We are cracking. The funny farm sounds like a lovely restful place. :)

On Saturday we went early to the temple and just sat in the parking lot for a while as I blubbered and tried to get calm enough to go in. Frankly, I was angry. Angry that we are having so many problems that we “shouldn’t” be having. Angry that our life is so different from what we had planned and hoped and worked so dang hard for. Really and helplessly furious at the fact that we are so strapped for time and money and emotional energy. I just felt like there was no help. That we are basically alone in these struggles. It was not one of my finer moments. (I am only admitting all this because I hope it will help me and maybe it will help someone else who is carrying particularly heavy burdens right now.)

It would be silly to have driven all the way down to Denver and not go inside the temple, so with eyes still red and swollen, I walked in hoping for a change of heart.

I have been going to the temple for nearly half my life now—I received my own endowment just after my 19th birthday and now I am 36. But that morning there were so many new things I learned through the Spirit. Some of them were things I knew but needed reminding – like why life is so hard sometimes. One was an overwhelming sense of awe and gratitude at the gift of the Atonement. How could I not see the hope that is in my life because of Christ?

I came out a different person. I felt strong and happy and grateful, ready to face again this challenging little moment in our eternal development. May those “clouds of glory” I was trailing last for a long time!

I have exposed a rather less-attractive part of my soul. I hope anyone reading this is gentle to me. And oh, how I hope I can continue to grow and change! I am such a baby. Obviously I need these sorts of tough times. . . .

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Fort Collins temple site in background

I am really, really excited about general conference this weekend! There I will hear words and feel things that will strengthen and comfort me and make me able to continue on.

Thanks for listening and for all the ways you help us. I know we are not alone, and in fact, ridiculously blessed.




Vauna said...[Reply to comment]

Don't you just love the temple and the way the Lord reaches out in more profound ways in our times of need?
I had a period of a couple of years where every time I went to the temple I was receiving very powerful personal revelation. Then after life had calmed down I began wondering what was wrong with me because I wasn't getting the same intensity and volume of personal revelation. I finally realized that it was because my need was wasn't so great.
I'm proud of you for opening up about your personal struggles. Sometimes that can be so hard to do. (I tend to keep things to myself.) I hope you find relief and comfort. I'm so glad you will have a temple close by before too long!
Hang in there dear sister!

llamitanan said...[Reply to comment]

Oh, my dear daughter! I think it is time you come here for a visit. What do you think? I'm so glad you can find solace at the Temple. Know your mom loves you in the ups and downs.