Sunday, May 3, 2009

Eighteen Months

Today marks Benjamin's 18-month birthday. It would have been his first day in Nursery! So sweet to think about! Of course, he would be the cutest little curly headed boy ever, toddling around on chubby legs. I think he has light blue-gray eyes. . . .

And I would be sitting so comfortably in Relief Society, breathing a huge sigh of relief that I didn't have to wrassle with him all through Church anymore.

Today I'll probably sigh, but it won't be of relief. It won't be completely of sadness, either. The sadness is still potent sometimes, but it tends more towards a wistful thoughtfulness now. I feel more of the reality that I have such a beautiful son, about whom I never need to worry.

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The poem I want to share for this post is one I started writing well over a year ago. I had had this powerful thought about the fact that having a piece of my heart permanently missing from earth, while painful, has the useful effect of loosening the hold this world has on me. It totally changed my perspective about the length of mortal life, and the purpose of trials.  So I wrote about it.

Today also marks my Grandpa Bailey's 91st birthday. He died just a few days after Benjamin. (My poor dad--he went from speaking at his grandson's funeral to speaking at his father's funeral only six days later!) I miss him today, too.

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The sealing power of temple covenants through the Atonement of Jesus Christ is what makes experiences like these not only bearable, but cause for joy! Treasure laid up in heaven cannot rust or decay. Each painful loss here equals the deepest happiness there.

So I added to the poem about my treasured son, and revised it a few times, and here it is: :)

Treasure Preserved

 

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9 comments:

Becky said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, this is such a wonderful expression of your love for your son and for the gospel, and of your strength of faith. You continue to amaze me and instruct me, and I thank you for your opening your heart.

I love you.

mrs. tapa said...[Reply to comment]

Beautiful, Michelle. I love you so much and I appreciate that you share so much of what you are learning and who you are becoming. As you described how you see Benjamin at 18 months, I saw the image of him in his toddlerhood in my mind's eye: The light curly hair and pure light-colored eyes, chubbiness toddling around, just as you describe. I have such a blessing to be able to remember my angel nephew's birthdays the day before my own. Thank you for reminding me of his Great-Grandpa's birthday too. I was just sharing stories about him with Tapa today--
Love you and Benjamin too.

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...[Reply to comment]

Thank you for sharing that beautiful poem. I too feel so blessed to have that treasure waiting in Heaven...for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also! We have beautiful treasure that awaits! Love you.

Janice said...[Reply to comment]

Shell,
I can't find the words to say ---- it takes my breath away ----- speechless!

Natalie said...[Reply to comment]

Your poem is so touching. A beautiful tribute from a beautiful mother. I'm thinking of you with love. There really are no words. (((hugs)))

snbjork said...[Reply to comment]

What a beautiful, bittersweet day for you. I wish I could have been there with you, but we'll get our time later, I suppose. =)

My favorite part of the poem is "Now a pull has been placed from my heart through the veil to you". What a beautiful way to express your desire to be with your little one again. I'm grateful that your this experience is starting to become a little less painful and more joyful because you know what you'll have waiting for you!

It's no wonder you're one of my favorite people in the world! You continue to amaze and inspire me. I never knew you were such a poet until I started reading your blog.

I love you, Michelle!

snbjork said...[Reply to comment]

By the way, the picture of Fluffy was taken just a few months after I met you for the first time. It brought back memories of him as a cute little fluffy haired, smiley baby and Exacto a very intelligent and serious 3-year-old! =) Where did the time go??

Vauna said...[Reply to comment]

My dear Michelle,
What a beautiful poem, I have tears running down my face as I write this.
Isn't it wonderful that you know Benjamin will be with you for all eternity! You never will have to worry about his decisions or watch him struggle through this life on earth, wondering if he will ultimately make the right choices and do all that is required to return to live with God again.
That is a blessing in itself, though, I know, saddled with grief for now. Thank you for your courage and strength. I love you.

Andrea said...[Reply to comment]

You have a wonderful talent for poetry. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is amazing that he would have attended nursery on Sunday. I wonder if Isaac and Benjamin would have become great friends. I am sure Benjamin has comforted Isaac many times as I left him in nursery, only from the other side. Thank you Benjamin.