I love being around my family. They were so understanding of my moodiness (grief is so annoyingly unpredictable sometimes). I loved having time to work on Benjamin's scrapbook, and read "Breaking Dawn", and cook lots of good food, and talk and talk and talk with my sisters and brothers and parents. Miss you guys!!! Ya'll are the best family in the world!
I'm losing all hope of ever catching up on the "history-recording" aspect of this blog. So I'm taking a short cut. Here, in two photo mosaics (and there will possibly be others later), are random scenes from our vacation to Arizona.
Events include:
McCleve Reunion in ShowLow, Arizona (Mom's side of the family)
Welcoming home my beloved brother from his mission to Toronto Canada
Bailey Reunion (my immediate family)
cookouts, canoeing, horseshoes, swimming, hiking in the gorgeous White Mountains
Various AZ delights: sunsets, etc.
P.S. I made these on "Mosaic Maker", with my Flickr account. To see the pictures in their original size, visit my photostream set here.
DC's cousin, well, actually, DC's cousin's wife, had a really neat idea that made my day. When she and her kids were visiting a beach in northern Michigan, she wrote Benjamin's name in the sand and took a picture to send to us. Isn't that thoughtful?! It really brought joy to my day.
She also posted it as a tribute on her blog here:
http://yetthereweare.blogspot.com
Just one example of the angelic love we continue to be surrounded with--we are so blessed! Thank you, Cindi!
Gethsemane, Carl Heinrich Bloch
Sunday night I had a spiritual breakthrough in this journey of healing from Benjamin's death. It was a fulfillment of a priesthood blessing I received in early December, just a few weeks after we buried our beautiful son. I was promised that my "friendship" with the Savior would grow. This intrigued me. I wondered how to access His friendship on the personal level that I so dearly needed it. As mentioned in an earlier post, I couldn't understand how His carrying my griefs helped me right now. His suffering for our sins made sense to me, because we won't have to suffer for them if we repent. But this suffering for our sorrow and affliction--my pain was not being removed, so why did He have to feel it, too? It's hard for me to explain, but it's something that I have been pondering since December. 
Now I think I understand. It was something I have comprehended with my mind, but now the Spirit has taught it directly to my spirit and I can feel its truth. Jesus Christ bore our griefs and carried our sorrows so that no matter what happens, we are not alone. I was misunderstood last week by an acquaintance. She considered my having a baby born dead not to be equivalent to losing a living child. Let me just say that the overwhelming majority of people who have learned about our loss have been so loving and kind, and I am profoundly grateful to those close to me who have provided gentle shelter for my heart. Maybe that's why this shook me all the more. It hurt so badly! I wondered if others feel that way, that they think my grief is more than it should be. I started to wonder if I am crazy for grieving so deeply for a baby who never opened his eyes or took a breath. I certainly can't help my feelings, so maybe there's something wrong with me, etc. It bothered me deeply all week--until Sunday night when I was pondering it yet again and realized that it doesn't matter if no one here on earth understands my pain. I have a Friend who has felt exactly how I feel; in fact, He chose to experience my afflictions for my sake! He understands me. He knows what it feels like to go through days where the minutes drag endlessly by and where just getting out of bed takes immense willpower. He has felt the agonizing crater in my heart that Benjamin's death created. I thank Him and praise Him with my whole soul for going where I am, for being my dearest Friend!
My beloved, amazingly talented sister Becky tagged me recently with this fun set of questions. . . .
Ten years ago, I was:
1. Taking care of a 2-month-old Exacto
2. Adjusting to a new life as wife of a graduate student
3. Relearning how to breathe in the Florida humidity
4. Playing for lots of voice students at FSU
5. Learning how to cook - it was an uphill battle for a while :)
Five things on my to-do list:
1. Clean off my desk (seems like that's ALWAYS on my list - arg)
2. Start getting next week's Sharing Time ready
3. Finish the dishes (yes, I'm enjoying this guilty pleasure while dishes wait in the sink. Tsk. Tsk.)
4. Call my sister Mandy
5. Work on Benjamin's scrapbook
Snacks I enjoy:
1. Homemade yogurt - mmhmm
2. A handful of chocolate chips discreetly snatched
3. Baby carrots (weird, I know)
4. Apple slices with peanut butter
5. Sugar-free Hershey special darks (these are actually really good!)
Things I would do if I were a millionaire :
1. Pay off the house - heck, buy a new house! (and pay it off)
2. Take YOU out to lunch at least weekly (meaning all of you beloved friends or family who are reading this :)
3. Set aside money for boys' missions / weddings / etc.
4. FINALLY get off this continent and see the world : attend the Wagner festival at Bayreuth, touch the Taj Mahal, walk on the heather in Scotland, meet all the people DC knew on his mission in Germany, go to Met performances in NY, Berlin Philharmonic, you get the picture
5. Buy a Steinway concert grand (black) for our new house
. . . . .Oh, is it all gone already?! ;-)
Places I have lived:
Provo, UT
Austin, TX
Tucson, AZ
Allentown, PA
Tallahassee, FL
central AR
For me, seeing Benjamin's name is so therapeutic. Thanks to Cindi for passing on this awesome idea, and taking the first picture. If any of you wonderful readers think of a neat way to write his name, take a picture and send it to me! Or if you could show his name in a far-off place (most of you are far from Arkansas, I think!). You'll make my day!
From the Baileys in Laie, Hawaii! Made with shell leis from the Polynesian Cultural Center. - 10/8/08
From Mark and Manda, in Provo, UT. Y'all are the best! I love you! - 10/6/08
From Malauna, a dear friend from our BYU days, now living in ID - 10/2/08
Moses posed as a model for this one from my sweet Mom :) - Snowflake, AZ - 10/1/08
This was Exacto's idea. He carved it himself. :) - 9/21/08
From Cindi on the northern-most beach of Lake Michigan - 8/24/08
I did this one while the boys were playing with marble tracks - 8/26/08
Dog Food letters! Our new form of dog torture :) - 8/08
In glue -- while Hummer and I were making a "road". - 9/2/08
My parents adopted a mile for him--they are so awesome! I love seeing this sign whenever we drive into town from their house.
My little nephew putting wildflowers on Benjamin's monument. Another amazing gift from my parents!
I love this one from Cindi. See how she dotted the {j} and the {i} with seashells? - Lake Superior - 9/1/08
