Day 44 - {Zion in central Arkansas}

I'm still here! And everything's fine with the sweet baby (still kicking away in there)! I'm so sorry to have such a long break in my blogging. Things have been just a leetle too beezy. And there's not much sign of them slowing down! Only 19 more days till my scheduled C-section. . . .

Meanwhile, though, I want to keep writing and sharing with you the amazing blessings that we continue to receive. I am so grateful to my loving Heavenly Father! He is so good to us!

The next few posts will be "Days of Gratitude" posts, although they are a bit behind, chronologically. :)

So let me tell you about my awesome ward family (local congregation):

Did you know that the Promised Land is in Arkansas?

I didn't either, until we moved here! :)

Our ward is enormous geographically, taking up the entire county. You can drive from one end to the other in about an hour and a half. Compare that with our first ward in Utah after we were married, where it took up less than a city block, and we could walk to any member's home! There, the temple was a 10-minute walk away. Here in Arkansas, it's a 2 and 1/2 hour drive.

Though we have many good friends here of other faiths, the Mormon strain of Christianity is decidedly in the minority here. But the resulting bond between ward members here really makes us start to feel like family! Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings are like mini-family reunions. :)

I love, love, love my Sisters in the ward here.

Let me show you what they did for us a few weeks ago. . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

My trunk as I left for home (not all of the gifts would fit--three are in the cab!)

 

I love you so much, Sisters! Thank you for the wonderful shower for a 5th baby! Y'all are rockstars. :)

How we celebrated Benjamin's 2nd birthday

~ Birthday Meals ~

We traditionally let our children choose their birthday meals, and I thought it would be fun to have birthday meals for Benjamin. So we had. . . .

chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast before the boys left for school

Fudge sundae Oreos for snack

Cafe Rio burritos and ginger ale for dinner

 

~ Cleaning the Headstone ~

DC and I went to the cemetery and cleaned the headstone. I learned online about a way to apply a preserving wax and shine it up, so we did that, too, and it looked so much nicer!

It was so nice to have this quiet time to talk about our beloved son and what he means to our family. This was one of my favorite parts of the day.

 

 

~ Balloon Release ~

 

We sang "I Am A Child of God" as the balloons went up. It was a special moment, even though things didn't go quite as well this time as last time. (We had two balloons pop, and two get stuck in a tree! :(. I'm so glad I got pictures of the notes the boys wrote to their little brother--they were so precious.

Then came the obligatory playing in the leaves. . . . :)

 

~ Cake and Ice Cream ~

We had his special carrot cake (the yummiest ever - sometime I'll post the recipe :), sang Happy Birthday to him and blew out his candle. I love how in this photo you can see the reflection of the candle flame in the picture behind it.

We will have a FHE this week to talk about our gifts to him. Each of us will choose something and write it down to work on this year that will help us return to Heavenly Father and be a forever family, so that there will be "No Empty Chairs." The little wooden box in the photo above is where we keep these.

 

Thank you so much for the comments on his birthday post and for sweet emails and phonecalls! We felt so loved, and it truly was a beautiful, joyful day!

Day 43 - { suzie-Q }

Do you know someone who has just lost a loved one? Do you want to be a good friend to them? Blessings on you! And good luck. You may be in for a long haul. From the reading I've done, it can take 1-2 years for a person to "recover" from losing a child--although, one never "gets over it", but does learn to live with the loss.

For my part, I am amazed that anyone still even reads my blog or asks how things are going! I feel like I have been a broken record for so long! I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am - the loss is mostly defined and I have learned ways of coping with difficult questions in conversation - but now that I am about to make another big change and have a new baby - who am I now?

Well, for one thing, I am ridiculously blessed.

Here is one more proof that Heavenly Father loves me. . . .

My friend Suzie-Q came all the way from Alabama with her two little cuties to be with us when we celebrated Benjamin's birthday this year.

(She may look familiar to y'all. . . . :)

It was wonderfully healing to have the chance to talk in person with someone who cares about me so much and doesn't mind if I still cry sometimes.

We did lots of fun things. cooked way too much delicious food. sang together. dealt with adorable children. took adorable children to the park. watched North and South. went shopping. and best of all. . . . just talked and talked.

Day 42 - {our celestial son}

                              Take My Hand, Greg Olsen

 

Today is Benjamin's second birthday in heaven. I can hardly believe that two years have passed since that most precious day of my life when I held him in my arms.

I am filled with memories of that day to the point that it seems like I could reach through the layers of time somehow. It feels like if I drove to the hospital, somehow I would see us there. The room is always filled with light in my mind.

 

 

That day I knew that he didn't get to stay with us, and that at some point that most painful of experiences would come--having to say goodbye for this life. But I was still so happy at being with him--seeing how cute he was, putting my head against his soft head, watching Jaime clean and dress him, feeling heaven so close. I feel that he was watching as we kissed him and carefully dressed him in white.

 

 

Each of my parents and sisters, and my brother Joseph, took a turn holding him. It is a testimony to me that the Spirit was very present that I felt no selfishness in letting them share the time. Although every time he was placed back in my arms I had a wave of relief and joy, the time I watched others holding him was also filled with joy. I know there were times that I cried, but most vivid to me is the memory of light and peace that seemed to cover me completely.

I want to express my gratitude for the beautiful experience of having a celestial son. The pain and grief that I have passed through because of the separation from him have been nearly unbearable at times. But I never would trade it for anything. I love him like I love my living sons--with a depth and completeness that I can't help; it's just part of me.

 

 

 

I rejoice in being a mother. I rejoice that I will get the opportunity to nurture and enjoy Benjamin someday. I rejoice in my Savior, who has shared my anguish and provided miraculous healing, and who will restore my son to me in due time.

And so, happy birthday in heaven, sweet Benjamin! I'm so grateful you're my son!

Love,

Mommy

 

“And the earth shall be given unto them for an inheritance; and they shall multiply and wax strong, and their children shall grow up without sin unto salvation. For the Lord shall be in their midst, and his glory shall be upon them, and he will be their king and their lawgiver.”

Doctrine and Covenants 45:58-59

Day 41 - {.new traditions.}

update: I just added the recipe for the doughnut holes. It's from DC's mom, the source of many of our favorite recipes. :)

This was on a Saturday, just for fun. The doughnut holes worked out great with my three helpers. We divided into stations -- a frying station, a powdered sugar/cocoa station, and a cinnamon sugar station. We set the timer, and rotated the boys through. It was so fun!

Ma Baker's Doughnut Holes
1 3/4 c. flour
1 Tbsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
3/4 c. sugar
1 tsp. salt
3/4 c. milk
1 egg
Mix all ingredients. Drop by small teaspoonfuls into very hot oil (375 seems to be the sweet spot). When brown, turn, let brown on other side, remove and roll in cinnamon sugar.

 

"CTR" means "Choose the Right." When our boys turn 8 and are baptized, their Nana gives them a beautiful CTR ring (you can see Fluffy's in the first picture). Carving it into a pumpkin was an idea from the Friend magazine.

 

These activities and the CTR lantern we did on the boys' day off from school for Parent-Teacher Conferences. They had the idea of taking the caramel apple cookies to share with their teachers! So sweet, my boys. :) (btw, I think that sugar is an integral part of family traditions--ha.)

 

And for our family now, October 31st is for. . . .

 

 

 

(Thank you to Emily for this wonderful idea of using real autumn leaves to decorate.)

 

 

. . . and, of course. . . .

 

I am so grateful for the peaceful, happy day we had today.

Thank You, Heavenly Father.

Portraits

I've never had "pregnancy portraits" before, and I thought it would be fun to do some this time. My friend Sonja was so great, trying all kinds of different poses and letting me change clothes, etc., even coming here to the house for half of the portrait session!

Here are some of my favorites.

At the house. . . .

 

 

 

LOVE these individual shots of the boys! (Sonja took these while DC and I were changing. :)

                                  Exacto

 

                               Fluffy

 

                           Hummer

 

    (Note: do not be deceived by the happy expressions on my sons' faces. They were seriously bribed. :)

 

Next we drove to the cemetery. I love having pictures there because it feels more like Benjamin is with us. We brought a white rose to hold to represent him, as well.

 

 

 

 

And my number one, all-time favorite picture of this session (and possibly of all time). . . . .

 

Ooh, or maybe this one. . . (Can you see all 5 of my children? :)

 

Thank you so much, Sonja! You were just awesome.

Day 40 - { time }

 

Today as I returned to the work of scrapbooking Benjamin's time with us, I sighed. Sighed because it is work for me. Scrapbooking is an unnatural activity in my book. I've never felt talented at making things LOOK nice; my gifts tend toward making things SOUND nice. :)

So, while I know there are millions out there who just love scrapbooking and find it relaxing and fun, I am not one of them. Each page has been challenging for me technically.

I also sighed because documenting those last few weeks of pregnancy is really tough emotionally. Looking through the pictures and reading my journal entries or emails from that time often triggers deep pain over some specific memory that hadn't been expressed yet. But it's worth it! With each page I complete, I feel a sense of healing and release. I love that Benjamin's brothers will be able to remember him better through this. I love that I will be able to share more easily what he means to me.

I still have the goal of finishing by his birthday! (I can think of several of my friends who NEVER would have taken two years to finish this project. :) I'm going to have to buckle down--today I finally started his last two weeks, but I know the pages of his actual birth day are going to take a lot of time.

So today, I am grateful for TIME. Time to really do this.

I can't think of any other season in my life that has been like this. Since childhood I've always been the type to pack in as much as possible and then go crazy trying to get it done: making my own schedules for summer time, doing way too much extra-curricular stuff, graduating early from high school, heck, getting married early!, being in school and being a mom at the same time, etc. etc. This luxury is totally foreign to me. . . but so needed right now.

I am so grateful for the breathtaking gift of uninterrupted hours to think through what happened those last couple of weeks in October 2007, and to stop and write and cry if I need to.

Grateful for the elapsed time that it has taken to heal and to be able to process difficult memories.

And especially, for the serenity of this time to connect with my sweet son - to talk to him and think about what he is doing - to remember things that we did together.

I miss you, Benjamin.

 

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We had new family pictures taken yesterday. . . . here's a sneak preview. I'll be sharing more soon! :)