There are four major projects that I feel like really should be done before sweet Rosebud arrives in our home. The first one was the Paper Situation, which you all helped me with, and which is now DONE! :)
The second one is to finish Benjamin's scrapbook.
I have already put in hours and hours on it--but perfectionism has really slowed me down. I finally have decided that I don't mind if it's not perfect. I just want a place where I can sit and remember and feel close to my son.
I have been documenting the whole pregnancy with him. After all, he was alive and with us then! I want to remember the things I did while he was living and inside me. And, I want to record the beautiful experiences of his short time in our arms, and the outpouring of love we received afterward.
Right now I am on the 7th month, and his birthday is in exactly 4 weeks from today. So my goal is to do at least a page per day, on weekdays.
It is such therapeutic, hard, wonderful work.
I am hoping at the same time to record many of my memories from that all-important time of learning he had died, delivering him, and burying him. There are experiences and feelings that are yet unwritten. I may or may not share those on the blog--I haven't decided yet.
But they will be recorded somewhere. And that will help me to have more peace as I face the next precious delivery.
Since I'm a big fan of celebrating achievement, even if it is my own (teehee), I bought myself a special reward for when I finish this project.
The day after Benjamin's birth, my sweet friend Meghan came to visit us in the hospital, and brought a bag full of Bath&Body Works luxuries. One of them in particular I loved and used every day--the brown sugar and fig scrub. The scent of it brings me sharply back to those first few weeks of fresh grief. A painful, painful time, but also a time when Benjamin still felt very near. I remember sitting often in the glider rocker we had bought to rock him in and crying, with that scent on my skin.
When that tube ran out, I bought another one. By the time I was finishing the second one, I found out that B&BW had discontinued that line!! Ack!
But luckily, there is still ebay. :) I just won an auction on this today, and will hold it in reserve for the day I finish Benjamin's scrapbook.
"I begin to love this creature,
and to anticipate his birth
as a fresh twist to a knot,
which I do not wish to untie."