Tuesday, October 6, 2009

"Before Rosebud" - project number 2

There are four major projects that I feel like really should be done before sweet Rosebud arrives in our home. The first one was the Paper Situation, which you all helped me with, and which is now DONE! :)

The second one is to finish Benjamin's scrapbook.

I have already put in hours and hours on it--but perfectionism has really slowed me down. I finally have decided that I don't mind if it's not perfect. I just want a place where I can sit and remember and feel close to my son.

I have been documenting the whole pregnancy with him. After all, he was alive and with us then! I want to remember the things I did while he was living and inside me. And, I want to record the beautiful experiences of his short time in our arms, and the outpouring of love we received afterward.

Right now I am on the 7th month, and his birthday is in exactly 4 weeks from today. So my goal is to do at least a page per day, on weekdays.

It is such therapeutic, hard, wonderful work.

I am hoping at the same time to record many of my memories from that all-important time of learning he had died, delivering him, and burying him. There are experiences and feelings that are yet unwritten. I may or may not share those on the blog--I haven't decided yet.

But they will be recorded somewhere. And that will help me to have more peace as I face the next precious delivery.

Since I'm a big fan of celebrating achievement, even if it is my own (teehee), I bought myself a special reward for when I finish this project.

imageThe day after Benjamin's birth, my sweet friend Meghan came to visit us in the hospital, and brought a bag full of Bath&Body Works luxuries. One of them in particular I loved and used every day--the brown sugar and fig scrub. The scent of it brings me sharply back to those first few weeks of fresh grief. A painful, painful time, but also a time when Benjamin still felt very near. I remember sitting often in the glider rocker we had bought to rock him in and crying, with that scent on my skin.

When that tube ran out, I bought another one. By the time I was finishing the second one, I found out that B&BW had discontinued that line!! Ack!

But luckily, there is still ebay. :) I just won an auction on this today, and will hold it in reserve for the day I finish Benjamin's scrapbook.


20071004-1 edit

"I begin to love this creature,
and to anticipate his birth
as a fresh twist to a knot,
which I do not wish to untie."

~Mary Wollstonecraft


Amy Kay said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, I used to work for Bath and Body a few years ago, and even if they discontinue an item, you should be able to call their 800 number and order it from their warehouse.

Good luck on finishing Benjamin's scrapbook, that will be a great for you. You are a great inspiration to us. Love ya girl. :)

snbjork said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, you are the best person I know. I miss you. And I'm so grateful you keep up with this beautiful blog since we usually only see each other once or twice per year (could be worse, I know). You're wonderful.

Brown Sugar & Fig is also my favorite scent. Why they would discontinue it, I have no clue. Particularly when so many people loved it. Glad you found some on ebay! I think I will take Amy's advice and call the company in hopes to snag some for my reserve.

Snarky Belle said...[Reply to comment]

Thinking of you with so much love. Wishing you peace and moments of feeling close to your precious boy! You are so strong and brave.

Snarky Belle said...[Reply to comment]
This comment has been removed by the author.
Katheryn said...[Reply to comment]

I have read a little bit about your experience with Benjamin on Becky's blog. I think you making a scrapbook of your pregnancy with him is just so wonderful. While it will obviously mean a lot to you, it will also mean so very much to your other children. My mother's second child, Robert, died less than 24 hours after she gave birth. The accounts that she wrote in her journal while she was pregnant and after his birth she recently shared with us, her other 5 children. They are so precious to me and allow me feel so close to her and to my brother who waits for us. Benjamin must be one special little boy.

Thanks for stopping by my blog so that I had a reason to stop by yours :)

Andre said...[Reply to comment]

I'm glad you are going to record your memories of Benjamin. I love having one for Austin. I don't want to forget anything as time goes on. Glad you are doing well.

Vauna said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, you manage to make me cry every time you speak of Benjamin. I think you'll find a lot of healing in finishing his scrapbook while expecting your little Rosebud. I can't wait to see the parts you choose to share.
I love you dearly.

Andrea said...[Reply to comment]

I can't wait to see your scrapbook. I am sure it is beautiful.

I have been so behind in the blogging world and I am now seeing all the fruits of your labors over the last few weeks. You are awesome. I love how beautiful things look when organized.

It was good to catch up on the bakers this morning.

Cindy said...[Reply to comment]

Scrapbooking can be so therapeutic. As I struggle with moving into a new phase of motherhood -with no more babies :-( I find that working on Jackson's baby scrapbook soothes the ache a little bit.
I wish I could sit and scrapbook with you and listen to all you have to say about Benjamin and see sweet pictures of your precious little son.
How nice it will be for Rosebud to look through that scrapbook and get to know all about her big brother.
I'll be thinking of you.