Today as I returned to the work of scrapbooking Benjamin's time with us, I sighed. Sighed because it is work for me. Scrapbooking is an unnatural activity in my book. I've never felt talented at making things LOOK nice; my gifts tend toward making things SOUND nice. :)
So, while I know there are millions out there who just love scrapbooking and find it relaxing and fun, I am not one of them. Each page has been challenging for me technically.
I also sighed because documenting those last few weeks of pregnancy is really tough emotionally. Looking through the pictures and reading my journal entries or emails from that time often triggers deep pain over some specific memory that hadn't been expressed yet. But it's worth it! With each page I complete, I feel a sense of healing and release. I love that Benjamin's brothers will be able to remember him better through this. I love that I will be able to share more easily what he means to me.
I still have the goal of finishing by his birthday! (I can think of several of my friends who NEVER would have taken two years to finish this project. :) I'm going to have to buckle down--today I finally started his last two weeks, but I know the pages of his actual birth day are going to take a lot of time.
So today, I am grateful for TIME. Time to really do this.
I can't think of any other season in my life that has been like this. Since childhood I've always been the type to pack in as much as possible and then go crazy trying to get it done: making my own schedules for summer time, doing way too much extra-curricular stuff, graduating early from high school, heck, getting married early!, being in school and being a mom at the same time, etc. etc. This luxury is totally foreign to me. . . but so needed right now.
I am so grateful for the breathtaking gift of uninterrupted hours to think through what happened those last couple of weeks in October 2007, and to stop and write and cry if I need to.
Grateful for the elapsed time that it has taken to heal and to be able to process difficult memories.
And especially, for the serenity of this time to connect with my sweet son - to talk to him and think about what he is doing - to remember things that we did together.
I miss you, Benjamin.
We had new family pictures taken yesterday. . . . here's a sneak preview. I'll be sharing more soon! :)