Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Day 40 - { time }


Today as I returned to the work of scrapbooking Benjamin's time with us, I sighed. Sighed because it is work for me. Scrapbooking is an unnatural activity in my book. I've never felt talented at making things LOOK nice; my gifts tend toward making things SOUND nice. :)

So, while I know there are millions out there who just love scrapbooking and find it relaxing and fun, I am not one of them. Each page has been challenging for me technically.

I also sighed because documenting those last few weeks of pregnancy is really tough emotionally. Looking through the pictures and reading my journal entries or emails from that time often triggers deep pain over some specific memory that hadn't been expressed yet. But it's worth it! With each page I complete, I feel a sense of healing and release. I love that Benjamin's brothers will be able to remember him better through this. I love that I will be able to share more easily what he means to me.

I still have the goal of finishing by his birthday! (I can think of several of my friends who NEVER would have taken two years to finish this project. :) I'm going to have to buckle down--today I finally started his last two weeks, but I know the pages of his actual birth day are going to take a lot of time.

So today, I am grateful for TIME. Time to really do this.

I can't think of any other season in my life that has been like this. Since childhood I've always been the type to pack in as much as possible and then go crazy trying to get it done: making my own schedules for summer time, doing way too much extra-curricular stuff, graduating early from high school, heck, getting married early!, being in school and being a mom at the same time, etc. etc. This luxury is totally foreign to me. . . but so needed right now.

100 days of gratitude tag I am so grateful for the breathtaking gift of uninterrupted hours to think through what happened those last couple of weeks in October 2007, and to stop and write and cry if I need to.

Grateful for the elapsed time that it has taken to heal and to be able to process difficult memories.

And especially, for the serenity of this time to connect with my sweet son - to talk to him and think about what he is doing - to remember things that we did together.

I miss you, Benjamin.




We had new family pictures taken yesterday. . . . here's a sneak preview. I'll be sharing more soon! :)



Becky said...[Reply to comment]

Why don't we consider time for the precious commodity it is? I wonder how it works for Heavenly Father. We sure love sweet Benjamin.

P.S. I can hardly wait to see the pictures! Why do you always put us in suspense?

snbjork said...[Reply to comment]

Becky, I wonder the same thing. We just get busy with our lives and get used to being busy! When we are given some of that precious (and rare) peace and quiet, then can we appreciate it for what it truly is...a gift!

Michelle, what a wonderful time for you to be able to prepare for this new life (Rosemary) and to reconnect with Benjamin. I think your scrapbook page looks great! I can totally relate with you on scrapbooking. Such a chore! But, good for you for hanging in there and reaching for your goal! I wish I could be a help to you when I come, but alas I'm afraid I'd just make it worse. =)

I love your sweet picture. Hummer's face is priceless and you look gorgeous! Your hair is curly and bouncy, your shirt makes you look all shimmery and celestial. Simply beautiful!

Vauna said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, your scrapbook page is beautiful. Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts and feelings. I do NOT like to scrapbook but I have discovered that I love to digital scrapbook!
I am so proud of you for your outlook and the healing you are doing. Many people would run from grief instead of work through it.
I love you.

llamitanan said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, I just read this beautiful post and tried to call you. I think the scrapbook page is beautiful. Give yourself more credit because you are good at it. Feeling the love you have for Benjamin and missing him at the same time make it difficult. I love the picture of you, Hyrum, and sweet Rosemary. I can hardly wait to see the rest. Thank you for sending the sweet link to Traci's blog. You are "extemely nice"! Call when you can.

Annalisa said...[Reply to comment]

glad you're working through the scrapbooking, i agree...i'm not talented with it either, but your pages do look good.

and way cute family photo. smiles!

Andre said...[Reply to comment]

I don't like scrapbooking either; I really just slap pictures on a page. I really enjoyed doing Austin's book too. It was nice to sit and stare at picture after picture. Your book looks like it'll be great!

Cindy said...[Reply to comment]

I think your page looks great, I can't wait to see more! I think you have a neat and clean scrapbook style, which is my favorite. I can't wait to see the family pictures! And you do look celestial!