My wonderful therapist, Dan, recently talked with me about "dealing with the ghosts." There were things all around the house that were not touched or dealt with since finding out Benjamin died. I started handling them little by little when I could emotionally face it, but there are still several ghosts that cause me pain every time I see them.
Today with help from a precious friend, I dealt with one of them.
This has been sitting in our bedroom since last November 1st, the day I found out Benjamin had died.
Almost every time I looked at it I felt nauseated. I very nearly tossed it in the garbage can, but I just couldn't. Here are some of the things that were stored in that bag.
- silk autumn leaves --picked out at Michaels' with Janice last October -- Janice thought I should get the ones with shiny gold but I wanted them to be more natural-looking
- a grapevine wreath from my sweet cousin Shirley
- acorns from a tree outside my OB's office ~ the day we picked them up was October 17, 2007--very memorable because it was DC's only time and my last time to see Benjamin alive--the day they gave me the extra ultrasound and he was being "so photogenic"
- gold wired ribbon
Late October 2007. . . .Janice and I had planned all week that last week to sit down and glue this thing together, but we kept getting too busy with last-minute cleaning and organizing. She was leaving to go back to Florida on Thursday, Nov 1st, and offered to watch Hummer that morning while I went to my last appointment. Then when I got home we would finally make the wreath, and she would leave to go home.
That last appointment sent my world crashing down around me. And for poor Janice, it was a horrible way to end what had been a delightful visit. (She still grieves with me. I hope so much that she can come back sometime and visit Benjamin's grave and see this wreath now.)
Today, October 22, 2008 I pulled the dreaded bag from its spot. Even that hurt! Grief is such a crazy thing.
I had asked for special help from a dear friend who moved here recently and who has been so compassionate and loving to me. Andrea is amazing talented at things like this, and I knew she would be tender and sensitive to the pain this would probably unearth.
I was excited when we got there, but as soon as I pulled everything out of the bag and saw what was there and started remembering, I just started bawling. Andrea just put her arms around me and let me cry and tell her every little detail about everything.
Hummer played nearby most of the time, but he did come help glue on some of the acorns. :)
Andrea had the neat idea of putting Benjamin's initials on the apple. I used a gold metallic ink pad and stamped it on. I love how it turned out! (Isn't it interesting his initials also stand for "Be Right Back"? ~ awesome.)
I hung it up right when I got home. Words cannot express how good it feels to see it hanging on my front door. My heart wells up with the deepest gratitude when I see it. . . .gratitude for the progress I have made in this journey of grief!
Dear Father, I thank Thee with all my heart for Janice, for Andrea, for this wreath, and most of all, for healing through Jesus Christ.