Day 64 – { eternal families, balloons }

This day turned out to be so beautiful!

Thank you so much for comments and emails on my post asking for ideas on how to remember Benjamin here in CO. We decided go ahead and try for a balloon release in front of the temple, and my sweet friend Suzie-Q offered to watch the littlies so that DC and I could go. This was an answer to prayers – I had felt like things weren’t coming together at all, and then, all of a sudden they did.

The work we did in the temple was so healing and strengthening. We helped to seal families together – husband to wife, son to parents, daughter to parents – people who are deceased who never had the chance to receive those blessings in this life. It was such a special, heavenly morning. One tender mercy was that in our group was an older couple who had lost twin girls in 1981. The mother was so compassionate to me, sharing some beautiful stories that I now hold close to my heart.

 

 

We were even able to go and meet Exacto and Fluffy in the temple baptistry – their faces were bright as we came out with them, even radiant.

I left the temple rejoicing that Heavenly Father has made a plan for families to be united eternally, and also wanting very much for our family to have more peace and harmony so that we can feel Benjamin with us more often.

 

Suzie-Q met us there with Hummer and Rosebud, and my awesome sister-in-law Daniela came over on very short notice with her Italian mother and the two sweet little ones. And so the celebration commenced, at the Denver Temple instead of Pinecrest Cemetery in central Arkansas.

We all wrote notes on the balloons and then sang Happy Birthday.

 

As we released the balloons we sang I Am a Child of God. Then we watched them until we couldn’t see them any more. Hummer lay out flat on the grass and watched the very longest.

 

I think of the temple as a bridge between heaven and earth. It really was a perfect place to sing to Benjamin and celebrate his place in our family -- which hopefully will be forever, if we can just be faithful now!

Tomorrow we’ll celebrate his “real” birthday, but I am so grateful for the beautiful day we had today at the Denver Temple.

Day 63 – { for the beauty of the earth }

Today I am simply grateful for the sheer beauty of this world. So many things that make me want to sing, or grab the camera, or cry, or do all three. . .

I just finished reading a beautiful book that has inspired me, Just David, by Eleanor H. Porter. David is a boy whose soul is keenly sensitive to beauty, a violinist who plays what he sees to tell other people what it is to him. In one part of the book, he is quoted by another character:

Bill says the boy flew all to pieces then. 'No use—no use!' he cries; 'such a perfectly beautiful thing as that no use! Why, it don't have ter be any use when it's so pretty. It's jest ter look at an' love, an' be happy with!' Fancy sayin' that ter old Streeter! I'd like ter seen his face. But Bill says that wa'n't half what the boy said. He declared that 't was God's present, anyhow, that trees was; an' that the things He give us ter look at was jest as much use as the things He give us ter eat; an' that the stars an' the sunsets an' the snowflakes an' the little white cloud-boats, an' I don't know what-all, was jest as important in the Orchestra of Life as turnips an' squashes.

 

I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t say that things have been rough here lately, for many reasons. There have been times that I have cried to heaven for strength not to be negative and not to be angry at the challenges we are facing right now. I know that it’s not unique to have really hard things to deal with – but I just am having some trouble facing ours right now. I know I have a lot (a ton!) to be grateful for, and so that’s what I’m trying to focus on. Also, looking for people to serve and connect with.

Sometimes all I have to do to feel heaven’s answer is to look out the window.

Or go for a walk.

Why is the earth so beautiful? What is the point? Is there any real biological necessity for trees to be so breathtakingly gorgeous right before they drop their leaves? Why so much variety in birds and flowers and living things of all kinds?

 

I firmly believe that it is a clear sign of His love for us. Yes, this earth was created for us to live on and be tested. But while we are here, He sends messages of divinity and deep love to His children. And to my sometimes all-too-sensitive soul, that brings peace and strength.

I’m glad that I live in this beautiful world. All is well.

Dear Mom, B is for Birds, Brom Bones, and Benjamin J.

Week of October 21 - 27

This week started off with a parents meeting at Hummer’s new school regarding a resolution the school has adopted resisting the implementation of Common Core. It was quite a revelation to me – I had had no idea what impact this will have here on parental rights much less education, and am now duly alarmed. I came home feeling strongly that I am meant to be involved in the resistance, and also wishing very much that I were better prepared to help.

My posts about this topic may not be as fun to read, but it really is important to me. You know that I feel a particular responsibility because of certain experiences I have had. . . . Freedom is a fragile thing and is never more than one generation away from extinction. It is not ours by inheritance; it must be fought for and defended constantly by each generation, for it comes only once to a people. (Ronald Reagan, 1967.) Apparently this is one of the times that I will have to face down my natural distaste for confrontation and stand up for something that is right.

The next evening found most of us at a high school volleyball game, where Exacto was playing with the band. . . .but only when the teams didn’t need it quiet, like during timeouts. (Kinda silly, if you ask me). But it was fun for a while, and a good cultural experience for our poor music-saturated children.

Rosebud and I celebrated “B” week. There are so many fun B words! Brownies, banana bread, baking. . . .We did find some non-edible ones, too. My favorite was Birds.

Google helped us find a raptor sanctuary here in Fort Collins, only about 4 miles from our house. We showed up and were amazed at the huge, beautiful birds, in captivity because they had been injured and could no longer survive in the wild.

Golden eagles, bald eagle, several types of hawks, they were all gorgeous.

Fortune was smiling on us (grinning actually) because it happened to be time for the caretakers to bring the birds out one-by-one for weighing and feeding.

We actually got to watch a red-tailed hawk rip a mouse’s head off and then swallow it and the rest in about 2 bites! (A little more than I had bargained for in Rosebud’s case, but I think Fluffy thought it was pretty much the coolest event of the week. :)

no photo of mealtime, but here’s the sweet little red-tail that did it

The rest of the week pales somewhat in comparison, but there was a pretty sweet “Sleepy Hollow Celebration” on Friday for the 4th grade classes that I got to go help with. Hummer and I both enjoyed it heartily. The students could dress up as Legend of Sleepy Hollow characters, and Hummer chose to go as Brom Bones.

He stuffed balloons into his sleeves to look like muscles, and definitely has the mischievous grin down pat.

I am SO SAD that I have no pictures of him! I made sure to change the batteries in my camera before leaving for the party, and when I got there, the “new” ones were dead, too! AAAAHH! (I am trying to track some down with the other parents, and I’ll update if I succeed in getting any.)

The Headless Horseman Pursuing Ichabod Crane, John Quidor, 1858

They had a feast and re-enacted the story several times (Hummer got a chance to act out his mischief-making ride), watched the movie of course, did some crafts and went home with a little candy.

It was a strangely healing afternoon for me. Not only was it the closest I have gotten to a H*$%oween celebration since 2007, but that movie was what we watched the night before the doctor’s appointment where I received the news that changed my life. I have had no desire to see it ever again. But Hummer didn’t know that (he was too young to remember) and he really wanted me to come help, so I did. Yay for me. :)

And really, it was just fine. Six years and lots of loving support have done their healing work. I still don’t want to celebrate H*$%oween or anything like that, but the complete revulsion to it has faded to just a plain dislike. We are looking forward to the Chinese buffet and a movie this Thursday. :)

Saturday we did one of our favorite fall traditions – the waxing of autumn leaves.

And then we went to climb trees at the park by our house.

Last night Jofus and Lori sent some more pictures of that sweet new little Benjamin, and I am happy just thinking that such cuteness exists in the world. :)

Dah! I just want to kiss those awesome cheeks! He is sooooo cute!

Love,

Michelle

{ how to remember him here }

With autumn making its way to a beautiful climax here, I have conflicting emotions. One is to be so happy and grateful to live in such a lovely place. The other is a near-desperate longing to be able to visit the cemetery where Benjamin is buried.

photos in this post taken yesterday by a very special friend in Arkansas – thank you so much, Meghan!

It is harder than I thought it would be. After all, I know he's not there. It’s just that that is a place where I feel close to him and have had many beautiful experiences connecting me to him. It’s a place where I feel peace.

And now that his 6th birthday in heaven is approaching, and I am far from the place where we had so many traditions associated with it, I am feeling a bit lost and even a little scared.

Where could we do the balloon release?

How can we “visit” him?

We won’t be able to clean his headstone like we usually have. We can do the traditional meals and FHE and gift of service, but I’m having a hard time seeing how to replace or revise the other traditions that have become so important to us.

I crave being with people who love him or have some connection to him. I long to be somewhere quiet and peaceful. I want a chance to remember and cry but also celebrate what he means to our family.

At first I thought going to the Denver Temple was a brilliant idea, and planned on doing sealings with DC that weekend. But we just found out that the youth will be doing a temple trip then, and so that takes out our babysitters.

Any ideas out there?

{ quotables }

10/22 ~ We were at a volleyball game and Fluffy asked Rosebud: "Do you want to be a cheerleader when you grow up?" She responded without hesitation: "No, I want to be a garbage truck driver."

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~ Rosebud: "I'm going to be a butterfly for Halloween. And for Christmas, I'm going to be a shark!"

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10/20 ~ Rosebud, at the dinner table : "I apologize for the inconvenience, but we are out of all the lobster bisque." (see this for cultural enlightenment :o)

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~ We were discussing moving to a place with lower rent. The boys were convinced that being homeless and living in a tent would be a great idea. Hummer even suggested that we could camp at the temple site and face our tent toward the temple, like in the Book of Mormon. I said that maybe it would be better to do something to earn more money, like maybe I could do some babysitting / daycare. They all liked that idea, too. I said, "So the ideas you like best are being homeless and starting a daycare?"

Hummer : "Yeah! You could do both and have a homeless daycare!"

(Who’s ready to sign up? :o)

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10/14 ~ Rosebud and I saw some Canadian geese at a park as we were driving by. I stopped and let her visit them. She walked around "chasing" them and when it was time to go, she wanted to take one and "put him in the car."

I told her he would be sad to be separated from his family and said, "You wouldn't want someone to take you away from us and go somewhere else, would you?"

She answered thoughtfully, "Sort of, yeah."

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10/12 ~ Rosebud: "Daddy, you are the coolest one in the whole world. Because you kill scary bugs."

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10/10 ~ We were trying to convince Rosebud to let her pet ladybug go, as it had already endured nearly 24 hours of captivity. She was feeding it cookie crumbs and I told her it needed its own regular food. She said, "No, she likes it. I'm going to name her Borscht!"

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10/9 ~ Rosebud, in a cheerful, matter-of-fact tone: "After I'm on timeout for 100 days, then I would be dead. I would be dead on timeout!"

Dear Mom, I am, I can, I ought, I will.

week of  October 14 - 20

First of all, we celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving, having an elder serving in our ward who is from northern Alberta. We enjoyed the excuse to feast, and the elders were very appreciative.

For some strange reason, I seem to fall even farther behind with this blogging things (actually lots of things) when I am homeschooling. (hmmm). Good thing Fluffy and I are having a blast! He is really fun to teach and discuss with. He says his favorite subject right now is Plutarch. (Who knew I would ever get to study Plutarch? :o)

More homeschool highlights. . . .

installing hooks to hang our bikes in the garage

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knitting for a service project

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practicing trombone in the great outdoors (his idea)

Rosebud is not quite so enthralled with ancient Greek biographers, and so this week we began “Letter-of-the-Week” activities. It has been super fun.

A is for apples

and applesauce!

I feel like I pour all my energies into the teaching and feeding of these amazing people who live in my home. And sometimes when the day is over and the house is a wreck (more or less) I catch myself wondering for a moment if I do too much of that and not enough of making our home an orderly, beautiful place. But then the next day I do the same thing again, usually with a fair amount of peace in my heart.

(I promise that no geese were harmed in the production of this post. :)

Yep, I’m pretty convinced that my focus is in the right place for maximum joy. It really is the best job ever! I love being stretched mentally to help Fluffy through Shakespeare one minute and the next returning to my own charmed childhood as I color with Rosebud. I love it when Hummer gets in the car beaming and happy to see me and then hearing about the latest in The Legend of Sleepy Hollow or having him offer to teach me the Greek alphabet. I love late night conversations with my logical, deep-thinking Exacto and seeing his goodness expressed so clearly now that he is approaching adulthood. It is amazingly rewarding and really difficult at the same time. (notice I am focusing on the positive and certainly not mentioning the frustrations over dirty socks on the floor, heart-wrenching problems with a couple of aspects in our current situation, homework like crazy, impressive tantrums, running out of milk, etc.)

nature walk on Wednesday

this is when they discovered the “corndogs”

Exacto always has too much homework.

this is when the corndogs exploded

don’t try this at home

snow on Friday!

(no, school was not cancelled. it melted pretty fast. plus, there were no rainbows – why should they cancel school? haha)

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I would never have dreamed how fulfilling this work could be. I can hardly believe I was reluctant for a while to embrace it. So grateful I went for it! Thank you for teaching and encouraging me to make this my life’s work!

And yet, a weekend trip to Denver for Time Out for Women was very welcome. I loved getting to spend time with my church sisters and especially Suzie Q, who lives near Denver now. (sorry no pictures!) I came back refreshed and with new strength and perspective.

A huge thank you to DC for so calmly and sweetly letting me go, even though he is drowning in papers to write! He is so awesome!

Love,

Michelle