I'm Gonna Lay Down This Heavy Load

 

I took this picture at one of the barbecues we had during our family reunion a few weeks ago. Watching this ant had absorbed me for several minutes. It was just staggering under the weight of the relatively enormous crumb! There were no other ants nearby. I couldn't tell where it was headed as it kept struggling along. My brother who just got home from a mission was standing nearby, and I commented to him that I was very proud of this ant. I said that was how I felt in my calling right now, and that now I was inspired to go home and keep plugging away. I took the picture to remind me.

Well, today I was released as Primary President. After three years of serving in the presidency and a year and a half as president, I thought I would just feel relieved. What surprised me was the tears that sprang to my eyes as they read my name over the pulpit. I will actually miss this! I won't miss the Sunday morning phone calls or being the one in charge! But I am sad to no longer have the chance to teach those beautiful children. To see the wonder in their faces as I tell them the story of David and Goliath. To hear them say, "Sis. Baker, I brought my scriptures!" Hopefully I'll still get plenty of hugs from them, though, because I'll get to continue playing the piano there until they get someone called. :)

Having this calling over the past year was very hard. And one of the greatest blessings I could have had. The opportunity to try to serve as Christ would serve brought me closer to Him. I often thought of how He fed the five thousand just hours after learning that His beloved cousin John had been brutally murdered. He fed the multitude physically and spiritually, then took time to go into the wilderness to be alone. It only amazes me all the more to know that He did that while grieving.

For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?

Mosiah 5:13

P.S. I was also sustained today as ward music chairman. It is a relief that they put me right back to work. I need to have service expected of me right now, or I worry I would tend to go back to my cave. ;)

Feeling better

Today it is cool and breezy outside and the rain from Gustav has finally stopped. Hummer and I went to the cemetary to put new autumn flowers in the vase at Benjamin's grave. I feel lighter somehow! Yay!

It has been odd to see how the grief comes in episodes. I always thought I would be sad for a long time, and that it would gradually taper off to just a peaceful missing him. It's been more like a cycle. Maybe like a spiral--I'm hoping a spiral upward, not downward! :)

Thank you all for listening to me even when I sound like a broken record! I love you, wonderful friends and family!

I have realized recently that I have not been saying much about my other three precious sons, and my DC. I think it's a great time to start posting about their lives right now.

Darling Cutie. . . .

 

. . . .just turned 35! Happy birthday to the nicest person I have ever met! I love you, sweetheart.

. . . .is very busy with teaching starting up again and the orchestra season. His days right now are filled with scheduling, teaching, researching music for the quartet to play, rehearsing with the quartet, getting ready for the first ASO Masterworks concert.

. . . .also very busy with Elders Quorum service. He was just asked last night by the bishop to start co-ordinating help for the relief effort going on in Baton Rouge. That will be exciting to see what they get to do!

. . . .is my pillar of strength. He always lets me lean on him, and never complains when I am having a bad day and the house is not as clean as it should be, etc.

 

Exacto. . . .

 

. . . .just started 5th grade. He is in the highest spelling group, and is bringing home words to spell that I have never even heard!

. . . .is working hard on piano and violin. He gave a recital while we were in AZ, there at my parents' house. I'm proud of him for starting to learn Primary songs out of the Children's songbook.

. . . .shares a room with Hummer, and they have developed the sweetest relationship. Hummer just thinks roses bloom at Exacto's feet. They have pet names for each other, and Exacto is always willing to help Hummer and play with him. It's awesome.

 

Fluffy. . . .

. . . .has a runny nose right now. :(

. . . .just started 2nd grade, and adores his class and teacher. He and Exacto walk home from school together, and are always excited to show me their papers. His handwriting is excellent for his age!

. . . .reads like crazy. He especially enjoys Roald Dahl books right now, and Magic Tree House.

. . . .also working hard on violin and piano. He and Exacto and a couple of other violinists in the ward will be playing for Sacrament Meeting soon.

 

Hummer. . . .

 

. . . .brings sunshine to me every day. I often wonder if his specific calling in life for right now is to be a comfort to his Mommy. He is perpetually cheerful (unless he's tired), and makes me laugh with almost everything he says.

. . . .really, really likes listening to tapes on his Playskool tape player. He listens to "Rapunzel" and "Scripture Scouts" and "The Gingerbread Man" over and over and over and over.

. . . .does his chores pretty diligently now. Yay! Sometimes we have races to see who can make the bed fastest. He won yesterday!

. . . .still hums all the time. Often very high. Often very loud. Today as we were checking out at Wal-mart, he was humming "Jesus Once Was a Little Child" in the upper stratosphere, and the cashier thought it was funny.

Can't leave out Ruby!!

. . . .She drove us crazy during Gustav, because if we left her outside she would stand at the sliding glass door shaking and whining. If we brought her in, she decided to use our kitchen as restroom facilities. Not fun. I am SO GLAD to have her outside again.

. . . .She loves to hang out with us during dinner, catching whatever crumbs fall. Exacto commented the other day that sweeping the kitchen is a piece of cake now because there's almost nothing on the floor anymore!

. . . .She barks at DC's violin case whenever he walks in the door from work.

. . . .She obeys when we tell her to "sit." Usually. :)

 

So that's my beloved fam right now. Just have to share one more happy thing that happened to me this morning. . . .I had been eyeing those big "retro" bags  of MnM's at Wal-mart everytime I passed by them for weeks. But $7.24 a bag?! You've got to be kidding me. Well, today, they were 2 bags for $6!!! Woohoo! I decided it was high time we added MnM's to our food storage. :) And of course, I was sure to sample them on the way home to make sure they weren't stale or anything. And sample them again while I was making lunch. . . . ahem.

Ten Months

We miss you, precious son!

 

Today marks ten months since we held Benjamin in our arms. Ten months and two days since beginning this arduous journey of grieving over a child. I can't believe that much time has passed--there have been so many long hours. Maybe it sounds crazy, but I can't believe nothing has changed. I can't believe Benjamin is still not here. Yesterday Hummer was saying the blessing for lunch--he usually says, "We're grateful that we will live with Baby Benjamin again someday." But this time he paused, and then said, "Please bless Benjamin that he will be alive again soon." This struck me deeply. It made me wonder how much Hummer understands. I know he knows his baby brother is dead. But he has such complete faith that he wants to save that last cookie "for Benjamin." Part of me wants to explain to him, "No, no. We won't see Benjamin for the rest of our lives. It will be a long, long time." But another part of me urges, "Yes, maybe we should save that for him! Maybe Jesus will come again today, and the Millennium will begin! Maybe next week will be when we hold Benjamin again."

So when will it be? Please somebody say it will surely be soon!

But if not. . . .

I am so grateful for what I am learning. The price of knowledge has been on my mind a lot lately. Sometime I want to write a poem about "the price of knowledge." Occasionally I wonder if the suffering is worth the growth. Then I remember my Savior. My suffering was worth it to Him to the extent that He was willing to feel it, too. He can remove the sting of death. His victory is our victory over the grave. So what have I lost, really? All that we suffer in this life is made up to us in the next, plus we will have the knowledge we gained while undergoing it.

I am learning about my relationship to Christ. I am learning that He is everything to me.

There is a recent CD from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir called "Consider the Lilies." It is filled with some of the most breathtaking, comforting, beautiful music I have ever heard. One song in particular has meant a lot to me this past week. I want to share it with you, courtesy of Mormon Soprano, who is a member of the choir. It is about who Christ is to me. So, if you have a few quiet minutes, click on her post, scroll down a little, and turn on the music. (Keep it open in another tab). Then come back here to read the words and look at the pictures. I hope it will bring some peace and joy to your day.

 

As the bridegroom to his chosen,

as the king unto his realm,

As the keeper to the castle,

as the pilot to the helm,

As the captain to his soldiers,

as the shepherd to his lambs,

So, Lord, art thou to me.

As the fountain in the garden,

as the candle in the dark,

As the treasure in the coffer,

as the manna in the ark,

As the firelight in the winter,

as the sunlight in the spring,

So, Lord, art thou to me.

 

As the music at the banquet,

as the stamp unto the seal,

As refreshment to the fainting,

as the cup is to the meal,

As the singing on the feast day,

as the amen to the prayer,

So, Lord, art thou to me.

As the ruby in the setting,

as the honey in the comb,

As the light within the lantern,

as the father in the home,

As the eagle in the mountains,

as the sparrow in the nest,

So art thou, Lord, to me.

 

As the sunshine in the heavens,

as the image in the glass,

As the fruit unto the fig tree,

as the dew unto the grass,

As the rainbow on the hilltop,

as the river in the plain,

So art thou, Lord, to me.

I thank Thee, Lord Jesus, for holding me during my sadness! And I praise Thee for giving me hope of holding my baby again!

Good times, part 2

I love being around my family. They were so understanding of my moodiness (grief is so annoyingly unpredictable sometimes). I loved having time to work on Benjamin's scrapbook, and read "Breaking Dawn", and cook lots of good food, and talk and talk and talk with my sisters and brothers and parents. Miss you guys!!! Ya'll are the best family in the world!

Good times in Arizona

I'm losing all hope of ever catching up on the "history-recording" aspect of this blog. So I'm taking a short cut. Here, in two photo mosaics (and there will possibly be others later), are random scenes from our vacation to Arizona.

Events include:

McCleve Reunion in ShowLow, Arizona (Mom's side of the family)

Welcoming home my beloved brother from his mission to Toronto Canada

Bailey Reunion (my immediate family)

cookouts, canoeing, horseshoes, swimming, hiking in the gorgeous White Mountains

Various AZ delights: sunsets, etc.

 

P.S. I made these on "Mosaic Maker", with my Flickr account. To see the pictures in their original size, visit my photostream set here.

An Olympic Moment from Hummer

 

 

Hummer found the Olympics to be very inspiring. . . .especially the Women's Volleyball!

 

 

 

Seeing his name

DC's cousin, well, actually, DC's cousin's wife, had a really neat idea that made my day. When she and her kids were visiting a beach in northern Michigan, she wrote Benjamin's name in the sand and took a picture to send to us. Isn't that thoughtful?! It really brought joy to my day.

She also posted it as a tribute on her blog here:

http://yetthereweare.blogspot.com

Just one example of the angelic love we continue to be surrounded with--we are so blessed! Thank you, Cindi!