Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Ten Months

We miss you, precious son! DSCF2900


Today marks ten months since we held Benjamin in our arms. Ten months and two days since beginning this arduous journey of grieving over a child. I can't believe that much time has passed--there have been so many long hours. Maybe it sounds crazy, but I can't believe nothing has changed. I can't believe Benjamin is still not here. Yesterday Hummer was saying the blessing for lunch--he usually says, "We're grateful that we will live with Baby Benjamin again someday." But this time he paused, and then said, "Please bless Benjamin that he will be alive again soon." This struck me deeply. It made me wonder how much Hummer understands. I know he knows his baby brother is dead. But he has such complete faith that he wants to save that last cookie "for Benjamin." Part of me wants to explain to him, "No, no. We won't see Benjamin for the rest of our lives. It will be a long, long time." But another part of me urges, "Yes, maybe we should save that for him! Maybe Jesus will come again today, and the Millennium will begin! Maybe next week will be when we hold Benjamin again."

So when will it be? Please somebody say it will surely be soon!

But if not. . . .

I am so grateful for what I am learning. The price of knowledge has been on my mind a lot lately. Sometime I want to write a poem about "the price of knowledge." Occasionally I wonder if the suffering is worth the growth. Then I remember my Savior. My suffering was worth it to Him to the extent that He was willing to feel it, too. He can remove the sting of death. His victory is our victory over the grave. So what have I lost, really? All that we suffer in this life is made up to us in the next, plus we will have the knowledge we gained while undergoing it.

I am learning about my relationship to Christ. I am learning that He is everything to me.

There is a recent CD from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir called "Consider the Lilies." It is filled with some of the most breathtaking, comforting, beautiful music I have ever heard. One song in particular has meant a lot to me this past week. I want to share it with you, courtesy of Mormon Soprano, who is a member of the choir. It is about who Christ is to me. So, if you have a few quiet minutes, click on her post, scroll down a little, and turn on the music. (Keep it open in another tab). Then come back here to read the words and look at the pictures. I hope it will bring some peace and joy to your day.


As the bridegroom to his chosen,

as the king unto his realm,

As the keeper to the castle,

as the pilot to the helm,

As the captain to his soldiers,

as the shepherd to his lambs,

So, Lord, art thou to me.


As the fountain in the garden,

as the candle in the dark,

As the treasure in the coffer,

as the manna in the ark,

As the firelight in the winter,

as the sunlight in the spring,

So, Lord, art thou to me.


As the music at the banquet,

as the stamp unto the seal,

As refreshment to the fainting,

as the cup is to the meal,

As the singing on the feast day,

as the amen to the prayer,

So, Lord, art thou to me.


As the ruby in the setting,

as the honey in the comb,

As the light within the lantern,

as the father in the home,

As the eagle in the mountains,

as the sparrow in the nest,

So art thou, Lord, to me.


As the sunshine in the heavens,

as the image in the glass,

As the fruit unto the fig tree,

as the dew unto the grass,

As the rainbow on the hilltop,

as the river in the plain,

So art thou, Lord, to me.


I thank Thee, Lord Jesus, for holding me during my sadness! And I praise Thee for giving me hope of holding my baby again!


Mormon Soprano said...[Reply to comment]

What a tender and beautiful post. I am thankful for your testimony of faith that we will again hold our loved ones who have left this earth - and you will hold Benjamin again. Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said "It is usually when we are pushed to our very extremities that we find our Savior". I don't know why this much be, but perhaps we each are required to walk in the shoes of "The Man of Sorrows" in order to truly keep his commandment to "learn of me, and know that I am God".

May you and your family be blessed and comforted always.

Michelle said...[Reply to comment]
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Mom/Nana/A. Nancy said...[Reply to comment]

Wow, Michelle, I cried all the way through. It is beautiful! I agree with Elder Maxwell through "mormon soprano." You are definitely finding our Savior. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

Jen said...[Reply to comment]
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Jen said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, DC, Exacto, Fluffy, Hummer, & Benjamin,
Thank you for the beautiful post. We wish we could be with all of you today.

Cindi M said...[Reply to comment]

I hear your sorrow. I wish it could be made all better right now. I'm glad that you share your feelings on your blog.

Much love.

Andre said...[Reply to comment]

I love your blog!! So it doesn't get easier later. My thoughts have been with you today. Hope you are doing okay.

frugal_and_feminine said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, what a Beautiful post. A Beautiful blog, a Beautiful Family! My heart and prayers go out to you. Thank God we can walk this earth knowing that someday, Our Shepherd will come to take us Home. I'm so glad I happened upon your blog from reading Crystal's Biblical Womanhood blog. Where did you get those beautiful pictures of Jesus? Especially the one of Him holding the lamb. When I saw that picture, I felt like He picked me up and held me in His precious, perfect arms.
...Jennifer @ Feminine and Frugal

Michelle said...[Reply to comment]

The pictures of the Savior are some of my favorites of all time. Three were painted by Greg Olsen, one by Walter Rane, and the last one by Del Parson. I have a poster of the last one in my room, and it has brought me so much comfort every time I look at it! Yes, it makes me think of Him carrying me, with His loving, tender face looking down at me.
I linked all of them to places where prints can be purchased, or the artist's website.