the fiddler's wife: Dear Flammly, Thanks for raising your mom!

August 27, 2023

Snowflake, Arizona

Dear Flammly,

The past two weeks have been growing ones. I think I am growing up as a parent! It sounds ironic, but Elder Uchtdorf said: "And children, thank you for everything you’re doing to raise your parents, because as every parent knows, we often learn as much from our children about faith, hope, and charity as they learn from us!"

The last week before Ham left to go back to college was a strange combination of stressful and fun. Stressful for me, because I was worried about his being mentally healthy enough to live on his own again, and fun for all of us I think, because we did things "before you leave."

Japanese and Spanish study. Exacto and I started studying Japanese with Memrise back in May, and Ham joined us during the summer. With Spanish I was also using Memrise but it wasn't proving super helpful. Maybe because of my unique background of growing up with hearing it tons but never studying enough to gain fluency. So I started just conjugating verbs, doing several each time I studied, and also reading Sapo y Sepo, Inseparables, and Ham helped me with both of those. His Spanish is amazing for only having a few semesters -- he studied a bunch with Nana and Grandpa during the pandemic and also has had Spanish-speaking friends over WhatsApp in Uruguay and Mexico.

We helped with the annual Community Cleanup, picking up trash near Highland Primary. We did haircuts, with the traditional root beer floats afterward. We finished two books we'd been reading together-- The Door in the Wall, and The Year of Miss Agnes -- during a monsoon downpour while we sat on the front porch. Ham helped me for hours to figure out the best way to move pictures from my phone to the computer. He and Exacto have learned a ton about technology and programming lately, and it's coming in quite handy!

The night before we were taking him to Thatcher, Nana and Grandpa took us all out to dinner in H's honor, and he got to choose the restaurant -- Eva's! It was raining as we got there, and it was cozy to sit and eat hot, delicious Mexican food and be together. H and I shared a fried ice cream. Then we were so full we could hardly stand the thought of squeezing back into the car so we went for a walk in the twilight drippiness up Back Street, jumping over puddles and the river next to the curb.

Saturday (8/19) Rosehips and Exacto stayed home (and spent some happy time with Nana and Grandpa) while DC and I drove with Ham the 3 hours and 15 minutes to Eastern Arizona College. He checked into his dorm room and my anxiety level, despite my best efforts, was considerably high. It felt like all the things that were wrong at the end of his last semester there were still wrong, and I was afraid he was going to slip back down into the low place he had fallen into then. I told him he didn't have to stay! He really wanted to, though, and tried to assure me it would be okay.

I went outside by myself (partly to avoid scantily clad young men who were needing to go from the showers to their room!) and prayed and read DFU's talk again. I started feeling calmer, and a thought came to me that I needed to look for the good. He does have a roommate now (he didn't last semester); the athletes and other people he's sharing the hallway with, although I perceive them as rough around the edges, are nice people; the institute program there is strong and thriving; he already has a job. . .

We walked to the biology lab and luckily it was open, so DC got to meet the professor H works with and even see Jafar, the huge snake with an ominous lump in its middle, having just consumed a live chicken. We went to the institute building (beautiful!) and DC gave H a priesthood blessing. A feeling of deep peace and assurance came to me. Heavenly Father is aware. He loves us. All will be well.

We had dinner at La Casita, got a few things at Walmart (so fun to treat our college kids sometimes!), and then said goodbye back at the dorms. We drove home -- only if you have dropped off a young adult child to live far away from home do you know what this can feel like 😭 -- and talked and talked on the way.

This first week back to just 4 of us at home was good! I settled more into my rouzine for this fall, and enjoyed the process of tweaking it and adjusting the balance. I'm always hunting for the perfect schedule for my days and I love trying different things out and seeing what works in this particular season.

We had a family birthday party celebrating the 47th birthday of Nana's and Grandpa's family. Grandpa served a delicious fancy dinner, and Aunt Amanda brought her famous chocolate cake and we even lit candles and sang to them.

Did some work in the basement finally! The mice disaster down there is getting cleaned up, and I have hope again for that area of the house.

There was lots more rain, including when we were supposed to be doing a water balloon Human Battleship activity for YW! (But the alternate activity of watching the Youth Music and Arts Festival at Danica's house with hot cocoa was really fun!)

Exacto and I had several nice runs on the Knoll Trail, including our first one to go the entire length of it. Also we are studying together on a free class from Yale called Moral Foundations of Politics that I am really loving, especially with E's help. He made some good progress on the dry-stack retaining wall in the backyard (it is beautiful!) and I got a maple tree planted in our flower bed.

I was grateful to hear that H made it to all his classes that first day and was happy with them. And then Thursday evening he called and we talked for a while, and he told me not to worry, that he was doing well! Those things and my therapy appointment on Friday led to the realization that it's okay, I can grow up now.

What you can and must do for the rising generation is provide rich, nourishing soil with access to flowing heavenly water. Remove weeds and anything that would block heavenly sunlight. Create the best possible conditions for growth. Patiently allow the rising generation to make inspired choices, and let God work His miracle. The result will be more beautiful and more stunning and more joyful than anything you could accomplish just by yourself.

I loved my date with DC on Friday night, going to the temple and then an adventure getting ice cream (Snowflake is crazier than you'd think on a Friday night!). And I loved our Saturday at home yesterday, especially lingering after breakfast to hear Rosehips and Exacto tell funny memories from when they were little, working with Rosehips on organizing her new tote with special papers, harvesting 5.7 lbs cherry tomatoes and roughly 127 lbs. of zucchini with Exacto, and a delightful video call with Fluffy, excited about our upcoming visit to Provo.