Post-partum Reading List

( pay no attention to the laundry in the corner. . .  :)

The first 2 months after having a baby are generally an excellent time for me to get in some heavy-duty reading. I know that sounds strange, but if you are spending hours and hours day and night nursing a sweet baby, and you don't feel well enough to be doing much of anything else, well, reading is a great thing to do with your mind in the meantime!

Incidentally, now that my body is physically recovered, and Rosebud and I are out and about more, the reading has dropped to almost a complete standstill. :)

But here are some of the worlds I "visited" during Rosebud's first two months, along with a few informal thoughts about them. . . . 

The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas - I read the 1200+ pages of this in about 8 DAYS. (My babies tend to be marathon nursers from the very beginning. :) I liked it much better than the Three Musketeers, although the ending didn't quite satisfy as much I as had hoped. There are great themes in here about handling adversity, and making use of our talents. It is a book about serious revenge, and it made me wonder if it is ever okay to take revenge into our own hands. The protagonist is a very likable person, although during the second half of the book you are no longer in his head, and that's pretty disconcerting at first. All in all, a very enjoyable read, if you're in the mood for a classic with a very interesting storyline and not terribly difficult to read.

The Actor and the Housewife, Shannon Hale - wow. This was really interesting. It was great for beating post-partum blues, as it made me laugh with almost every page. Shannon Hale takes on some pretty tough themes, like whether or not it's okay to have a serious platonic relationship with the opposite sex when you're married, and what constitutes a strong enough attraction for marriage. I'm not quite sure I agree with her, but it was certainly an entertaining ride. I'm very curious to hear what others of you think that have read this, especially what you thought of the ending! I do think this novel is MUCH BETTER than Austenland (I hated that one), and probably Hale's best writing yet.

 

The Magician's Elephant, Kate DiCamillo - Absolutely beautiful. I only wish it were longer. DiCamillo's writing is so poetic and strikes so directly to my heart. It's not often such a short book can make me cry. I would like to read this one again. Exacto also enjoyed this one. Themes are honesty, consequences to choices, and the power of hope.

 

Enthusiasm, Polly Shulman - I almost put this one down after the first chapter. It seemed too teenie-bopperish. (Aren't you impressed with my very academic style of reviewing these? :) But it's hard to get to the library when you have a newborn, and I was desperate to keep my brain active, and so I kept reading. It ended up being a really fun book. I do need to offer a warning about a little bit of language, and also verbal suggestiveness, but not worse than a PG-level. You will enjoy this book if you're can't get enough Jane Austen spinoffs and just want some escapist-type reading.

 

 

Emily Climbs, L.M. Montgomery - I've lost track of how many times I've read the Emily series. Reading Montgomery's books again now that I'm "all grown up" (sort of) has been sheer joy. Yes, I am more aware now of little faults in the writing, but I also "get" things now that I didn't before, especially some of the humorous things. Reading these is like getting all cozy again in my little twin canopy bed in the house I grew up in, with saguaros and palo verde trees outside my window. Makes me forget how many years have passed since I was a little girl. :)

 

 

The Good Earth, Pearl Buck - I was SO MAD at this book. First the author completely draws me in to this amazing little Chinese family, in a world I had never visited before, China on the cusp of revolution. I loved the uneducated but hardworking Wang Lung, and I especially loved his wife O-Lan, who is amazing in her ability to create a comfortable home for her family out of almost nothing but sheer talent. This was becoming one of my most inspiring reads in years, until Wang Lung's little downfall. Unfortunately (or FORTUNATELY, rather) my desire for catharsis does not extend to following the protagonist into vivid depictions of adultery. If Wang Lung were a real person, I think I would slap him. So anyway, I couldn't finish the book, although I'm sure it is very good according to the academic world. (This would have to be rated PG13 or even R)

 

 

Currently reading (very slowly). . . .

Barnaby Rudge, Charles Dickens - I am LOVING this. Dickens is so amazing, and I can't get enough of him. After I finish this one, I think I lack only 2-3 until I've read all of his books. His writing is so satisfying to me, like Brahms and really dark chocolate. :) Who else could pull off so beautifully a main character who is mentally disabled? Barnaby seems like a prophet--I can't wait to see what happens to him. And I love, love, love Grip, his ever-present pet raven, who is so hilarious that I laugh out loud whenever Dickens brings him onstage. Add the historical background of the Catholic-Protestant riots in 1780 London, and many other very interesting characters, and you've got a delightfully fascinating world to visit for hundreds of pages.

Getting Things Done, David Allen - ha. This is kind of a joke for me now. I thought it would help me capitalize on Rosebud's naps. Instead it makes me feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Not a good post-partum read, although I may come back to it in the future.

 

The Well-Educated Mind, Susan Wise Bauer - This book is amazing! Why didn't anyone tell me about it before? I plan to buy this one, and set off on her self-directed course for gaining a classical education. Very slowly. :)Anyone want to join me?

Day 47 - {arms filled again}

One of the difficult symptoms of my grief after Benjamin died was painfully Empty Arms. It is strange. I don't know if I could really understand it without having lost a baby myself, but even though I held him for only one day, my arms seemed to think that he was still there. For literally months afterward, it felt like there was a huge empty chasm between them almost all the time.

At night it was the most torturous. I would sleep with the blanket that he had been wrapped in, only that didn't feel substantial enough, so sometimes it was a pillow, too. Maybe it's kind of like an amputee's phantom limb pain, only less physical and more emotional.

Church could be agonizingly difficult. My arms and lap stretched so terribly wide open. The only thing that helped was to hold one of my other sons. Luckily Hummer was up to that, so I would hold his huge 4- and then 5-year-old self on my lap and squeeze, trying to make the pain go away.

Even though I never heard Benjamin cry, I kept thinking I could hear him crying. With the boys home from school making all kinds of noise, and me trying to fix dinner, I would often pause suddenly because I thought I heard Benjamin and needed to go take care of him. (Incidentally, even now that Rosebud is here, I can be sitting in the recliner with her and Exacto, Fluffy, and Hummer all around me, and still have this sense of, "Where's Benjamin? I need to go make sure he's okay.")

When Rosebud was first placed in those aching arms of mine, the relief that swelled over me was like a tidal wave mixed with love specific to her. I couldn't stand to let her go to anyone else. But my blood pressure was so haywire from the recent surgery and epidural that I was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane, so that did kind of make it necessary for me to allow, say, DC to hold her.
And my parents, I guess. :)


I imagine the nurses who took care of me afterwards thought I was a nutcase. I literally held my new baby all night long most of the nights we were in the hospital. I groaned where the nursery came to get her. It was slightly ridiculous. But how could they understand the relief and gratitude I was finally feeling? From pain that had yawned open like a grand canyon I was finally delivered!

The relief of this seems to be quite separate from the grief of missing my youngest son. I have actually been a little surprised at how strong the sadness still is when I think of never seeing him again in this life--I still cry over his absence.

I would give absolutely anything to have Benjamin still here. Every time I take a picture of my boys with their new baby sister I yearn to see what that picture would have looked like with all of my children. I hate it when people look at our family and say, "Wow, three boys and now a girl finally!", never knowing that actually we have four sons. For the rest of my life, it will never be "the whole family" anywhere we go. That hurts and always will.

 

But at least I don't have that horrible emptiness in my arms anymore.

 

Oh, how grateful I am to be toting around a 9-pound-6-ounce baby all day! Yes, all day. :) I still am ravenous almost all the time to hold her. I have been known to hold her through a 2-hour nap or longer. We sleep most of the night with one of my arms around her.

I Thank Thee with all my heart, Heavenly Father, for filling my arms again!

Hummer-isms

A nasty little bug is making its way through our family over the past week. Today is Hummer's second (and a half) day with it. I have to admit sneakily that I love it when they "have" to stay home from school. I think I'm still a homeschooling mom at heart. :)

 

(I promise this kid was running a high fever just a few hours ago!)

 

"One time at recess someone who wasn't my friend yet asked me to marry her."

"Really! What did you say?"

"Maybe."

 

 

"I hope when I'm a dad that I won't need to shave."

 

here he is trying to do the sign for "I love you" with his foot :)

 

He's pretty savvy about the whole breastfeeding thing. I made the mistake of telling him that my milk comes in when I even THINK about Rosebud. Today he was saying, "Think about Rosebud, Mommy!"

And then, "Mommy, which side are you going to feed Rosebud on?"

"I can't remember."

"Well, does Rosebud remember which side?"

 

 

He's been at the table "eating lunch" for about two hours now. As I type this, I can hear him singing "Poor little bug on the wall."

 

It's not fair that Mrs. Osborn gets this cutie 8 hours a day! Maybe I should homeschool again next year. . .

Project 365 Rosebud

Feb 14 - 21

 

Project 365 Rosebud

Thank you so much for the supportive comments, everyone. They make me feel not so helpless. Ya know what I mean?

And now, for proof, that she really is happy sometimes, too. . . . :)

My dad suggested that I take at least one picture of Rosebud every single day for her first year. That way we could see the changes that are imperceptible from moment to moment. I thought it was a great idea, but I "improved" on it and take about 4,000 per day. (No wonder my hard drive bit the dust, eh? :)

Here's a collage of days 47 - 54, along with some captions from our favorite neighbor Roger. . . .

Day 47 - "I came with instructions. Read my shirt."

Day 48 - "This is my other good side."

Day 49 - "Mommie, please, not in front of the camera. Oh, alright."

Day 50 - "You woke me up for a photo op?"

Day 51 - "I'm just chillin' in my blue period."

Day 52 - "Pretty in pink, that's me."

Day 53 - "I can do this, Mommie, you can let go."

Day 54 - "I feel like an Easter egg. Oh well, cute is as cute does."

soothing skillz and ranitidine

An update on our little GERDling:

The doctor put her on a teeny dose of ranitidine (zantac), which seemed to help almost immediately. I was all set to write a jubilant post about the wonder-drug, but then it became apparent that it only helps and doesn't remove the trouble completely. Today, for example, has been a crying, hiccuping, spitting-up day. . . :(

But I do think that her good days outnumber her bad now.

I am really grateful to have finally figured out what was going on. Back around the time she was 5 - 6 weeks old, a good day was when I managed to get dressed by the time the boys got home from school. My brain felt fragmented, like our hard drive (ha), and I was starting to feel like Linguine on Ratatouille: "I'm insane I'm insane I'm insane I'm insane!"

And now I have gained empathy for others who have gone through this. I used to have a sort-of complacent way of thinking, "Well, they must not be willing to hold their baby as much as she needs" or whatever. Well, now I know. Sometimes babies hurt and you can't help them. And then all you can do is kiss them and hope they feel better soon. . .

good news and not-as-good news. . . .

. . . .as pertaining to this blog, such as it is:

The good news is we have a new hard drive! And that means PICTURES! Yay!

The bad news is that poor sweet Rosebud seems to be suffering from infant reflux. She spits up often, gets hiccups about 27 times a day, and has days where she sleeps for only about 20 minutes at a time (even some nights - ouch). I've always been able to comfort my babies, so to have one hurting to the point that I can't always help is really hard. I feel so bad for her!!!

We're taking her to the doctor tomorrow, and hopefully she'll get some relief soon! (Anyone out there with experience with this?)

I suppose I should say this isn't really bad news--I am so grateful just to have her and that she is healthy. That is a blessing I will never take for granted again.

She's just a bit uncomfortable for the time being. And anti-blogging. :)

But she's awful cute. I kiss her about a million times per day.

 

last Saturday night's bath, as photographed by Fluffy

 

Some things about our Rosebud:

She loves her diaper changes (never cries during these)!

She hates her car seat (always cries).

She has blue eyes and gorgeous eyelashes.

She smiles the most stunningly sweet smiles you've ever seen. (I wish I could capture this on my camera!)

She prefers Daddy's pinkie to any pacifier.

 

 

after church last Sunday (her first time!)

She is exactly 52 days old today. I could nearly fill up my remaining Days of Gratitude with each day she has spent with us.

And I have thanked Father in Heaven passionately for each one.