Day 51 - { snow days }

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I LOVE SNOW DAYS! Prayers of gratitude for TWO this week--yeehaw!!

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Day One - 1/10/11

We had over 5 inches (more than our annual average!) that fell all afternoon Sunday and then continued during the night. Not only was school closed, but DC got to be home from work, too! Heaven!

The boys got their chores done quickly, we had bacon and cheese grits for breakfast, and then they headed outside to play in the snow. I did the Walmart bag trick that I remember from childhood to keep their feet dry, and it worked great. :) DC was sweet to watch Roseberry so I could go out and get my exercise for a while playing with them.

A good friend from the ward surprised us by clearing our driveway with his earthmover. It was funny because we didn't recognize him with all the snow gear on, and were wondering what on earth the guy was doing on our driveway. It was probably a good 10 minutes before I realized who it was, and went over laughing and apologizing and thanking.

It was a productive afternoon of finances and budget, menu and shopping list planning, and Family Home Evening lesson preparing, all with a cozy fire going and Roseberry napping and the boys outside with DC. They came in happy and glowing and ready for something warm to drink.

For FHE tonight I did a special lesson honoring Hummer for his birthday. We had him answer the traditional birthday scripture question, and played the favorites game, and then made a list of 7 things we love about him. For the game DC had put together a fun DIY version of Balderdash, using words from the Spelling Bee study guide the boys have been using. We did "kipper", "muumuu" and "wasabi", the last of which resulted in yet another nickname for Roseberry. :)

Leftover birthday cake and ice cream for refreshments, and now DC is putting the boys to bed, with another snow day to look forward to tomorrow!Hummer just asked me to put Aquaphor on his hands, and I told him to ask Daddy because I am writing in my journal. He said, okay, and then made me promise I would write about that in my journal. :)

It's hard to tell in this picture, but have you ever noticed how a trampoline sagging with snow looks like a giant contact lens? :)

 

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Day Two - 1/11/11

This time we remembered to have the boys practice after their chores, and DC gave both Exacto and Fluffy violin lessons. I gave Fluffy a piano lesson. You know, I've heard lots of people say that they could never teach their own kids, and yes, there are moments when I wish I were paying someone and not having to worry about it. But then there are the times when I get to be the one to see that excitement when something new unveils itself in  their mind, or to see the thrill of a hurdle crossed and progress made. . . .

I went out into the snow again with them, to see and photograph the snowman of yesterday's construction in the vacant lot behind our property. The sun was shining brightly and there occasional gusts of wind, which made it seem quite different from yesterday's calm grey. Isn't it amazing how beautiful a blanketing of snow makes what is normally very drab?

DC made us macaroni-and-cheese egg patties for lunch, a somewhat kitschy but yummy meal from his childhood. I spent the afternoon working out a plan of action to help my Sunbeams - I guess you could call it my Gid and Teomnor strategy. Still leaning on those spiritual experiences to help me want to have a good attitude and do a good job. . . .

Tonight we went to a faux "workshop" meeting at city hall that had been scheduled a few weeks back, and was supposed to be specifically for the project on our street. It didn't happen, and so instead we found ourselves tracking down council members and trying to find out why. Nice. Our neighbors are trying to negotiate for a settlement but the city insists on appealing. It's starting to feel like Bleak House. . . .

my favorite photo from today

Coming back to our beloved sons and daughter and our cozy home and family scripture study was so soothing. I am sad that it's a "school night", but so grateful for these two extra days together!!

Yup, Snow Days definitely make it to the 100 Days of Gratitude list.

 

 

 

Day 50 - {Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam Teacher}

"Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause that we should hope for our deliverance in him."

~Alma 58:11

There is a story in the Book of Mormon about a group of young warriors led by a man named Helaman. They are a small band, and are known for their exceeding faith and the resulting miraculous delivery from death they experience even as they fight many battles. But there is a time when they begin to fear. They are sent with inadequate forces and little food, having been asked to retake and defend a large area of the land. They proceed to hear nothing from the government and nearly starve to death. Finally some provisions and a few more troops arrive, yet still not nearly enough for the daunting task they have been given--"to contend with an enemy which was innumberable."

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Today began an interesting new assignment at church for me. I have been a Primary teacher since last spring for the 7- and 8-year-olds. Now I have been asked to teach the 3-year-olds. . . the Sunbeams.

When I first found out this was the intention of the Primary presidency, to reassign me to this age group starting in January, I thought they were pretty much crazy. I already considered my current situation an overwhelming struggle requiring faith. With DC as elders quorum president and needing to work 2-3 Sundays a month, and Roseberry still in my arms, I could not fathom what it would be like to try to take on a room full of 3-year-olds and keep everyone alive let alone growing in faith and testimony!

Then there's my other current calling as ward music chair and playing the organ two Sundays a month. So at first I thought surely a release from one position would be the answer, and I talked to the bishopric about things, asking them to pray about it. A release for me was not the answer they got. So then I talked to the Primary president. I sent her a long email with a list of my concerns: baby in arms, unavailable husband, plus Hummer really, really was looking forward to being in my class.

For several days I waited for a response. I showed up early to play for a child's baptism, and there was the Primary president. She said she had gotten my email, and they would go ahead and let me keep the older class. I was relieved, but immediately started feeling a twinge of something. That all-too-familiar feeling of the Spirit knocking on my spirit, as if to say, Are you ready to listen to me, or not? I answered, "No, I'm not changing my mind."

But then that sweet little girl came out in pure white anticipation of her special moment. And I started playing those beautifully powerful songs, and my spirit started to soften. The Holy Ghost began to teach me gently and clearly:

"That class would be Benjamin's class if he were here."

"Yes, that's right." { feelings of longing and love }

"Would you still be asking for a change of assignment if he were here?"

{ pause }

{-sigh- as the realization dawns on me}

"No. I would do whatever it took to find a way -- I would be so happy to teach my own child in Primary."

That was it. I could see that this should be no different. These little children, one of whom I have watched with particular interest because he was born four weeks before Benjamin, are precious children to their parents, not to mention their Heavenly Father.

I then felt confirming peace from the Spirit that yes, this was what I was meant to do, and also that it would be a joy to me.

After the baptism I ran to talk to the Primary president, and tell her of my change of heart. . . . .

The peaceful feelings did not stay. The very next Sunday I sat in tears in Primary. It was too much for one person. All I wanted to do was hold Roseberry on my lap and listen and be strengthened. I didn't want to come home from church every week stressed out and cranky and dreading the next Sunday. I could not believe my own idiocy in taking back my choice.

Then I would remember that I DID get that clear answer, and that I KNEW I was supposed to be doing this. But I couldn't shake the dread I felt. How on earth could I possibly do what I had been asked? I couldn't understand WHY they didn't call someone else. There are many in the ward without callings! WHY did they think this was a good thing for me?

 

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Helaman writes to the leader of the armies, saying "And now the cause of these our embarrassments, or the cause why they did not send more strength unto us, we knew not; therefore we were grieved and also filled with fear, lest by any means the judgments of God should come upon our land, to our overthrow and utter destruction."

He doesn't wring his hands and sit there pleading why, why, why, like I was doing. He and his stripling warriors pour out their hearts in prayer, asking for strength and deliverance, so that they could accomplish what was needed. And they are visited with the assurance of the Lord, and filled with courage and determination to DO IT.

They use brilliant stratagem, and manage to achieve the impossible--taking back the city of Manti without any shedding of blood, and even driving their enemy out of that quarter of the land altogether.

Helaman writes that they still don't know why the government that is supposed to be supporting them still appears to be ignoring them, and that his forces are small for retaining the large area, "But, behold, it mattereth not—we trust God will deliver us, notwithstanding the weakness of our armies, yea, and deliver us out of the hands of our enemies."

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I am inspired by this. I want to be like Helaman. I don't know why there are pefectly healthy-looking people without callings, sitting in the foyers talking while I traipse by overflowing with children and craft supplies and scriptures and diaper bag. But WHY is not the point. What matters is HOW. And WHAT.

So now I am trying to look forward to seeing the brilliant stratagem that the Lord will help me devise in order to accomplish this. And also the joy I will hopefully feel as I am stretched spiritually yet again.

I worked all week getting my lesson ready, trying to memorize it, buying sparkly stuff for the kids to stick on to crowns, reading ideas on the Internet on how other people have survived this calling. Last night I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking of how much I wished Benjamin would be there today. What he would look like at this age. How excited he would be to go to Primary with his Mommy. How I would probably be so busy with other kids he would be naughty to get my attention. Or I would just look over and smile at him. . . .I cried in the dark, and hoped that maybe he would be there anyway.

 

So how did it go today?

Oh, you probably don't want to know. It was far from inspiring. Only three of the seven little ones were there.  DC was able to take Roseberry. And I had TWO adult helpers. Yes, that is a ratio of 1:1. I realize that should be enough for anything. But, boy howdy, did those little boys want their mamas.

As I hefted one of the wailing youngsters, I suddenly felt his weight as if the weight of my own little boy, and was filled with gratitude for this calling.

Thank You, Heavenly Father, for patiently teaching me, and for using my love for Benjamin to bless me now!

Roseberry's 1st Birthday - 12/21/10

WHERE did you come from, baby dear?   
Out of the everywhere into here.  

Where did you get those eyes so blue?   
Out of the sky as I came through.

What makes your forehead so smooth and high?   
A soft hand stroked it as I went by.

What makes your cheek like a warm white rose?   
I saw something better than any one knows.

~George Mac Donald (1824–1905)

 

This day that I had tried not to dread turned out to be really fun. And I'm okay with her being one now. I think. I am starting to find joy that is stronger than the sorrow at this phase of life ending. It is a blessing.

We sang to her over and over throughout the day. Exacto freaked out at his 1st birthday party when the lights went out and everyone started singing, so I wanted her to be prepared. :)

In the evening we had her party with just us.

There was an absolutely gorgeous sunset as we went outside to take some pictures with the balloons.

 

~ in her birthday tutu :) ~

(I made it for her using this tutorial).

 

 

 

This is one of my favorites of her from the day. Can't you just see that sweet, sunny personality she has? :)

 

~ surrounded by the men in her life ~

 

 

This was supposed to have LAVENDER ROSEBUDS. Just envision that for me. Please note, also, the rosemary sprigs. Isn't that profound? Not to mention the tights in the background. :)

 

Like this, ya know? (Are you impressed by my mad photoshop skillz? :)

 

She was reaching for the frosting already. . . .

 

~ one of those moments I want framed and hanging in my heart ~

 

~ her first authorized ice cream -- a rite of passage in our family ~

 

 

She even helped with the dishes afterward! :)

 

Oh, how grateful we are for this burst of sunlight into our family!

We love you, sweet daughter.

Merry Christmas from the Fiddler's Family

I wish I could send each of you a real one of these! Hope you're having a wonderful holiday!

 

 

We rejoice in the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, the cause for the dearest hopes of our hearts.

How we love Him and praise Him!

Merry Christmas.

 

And if you really, really love us, you might enjoy reading the following "Dictionary of Bakerish Terms". . . .

ben·ja·min \'bӗn-jə-mĭn\ 1. Fourth son whose 3^rd birthday was celebrated this year with Aunt Becky and cousins Jozef and Jenya. 2. Beloved member of the Fiddler family who is daily remembered and missed.

DC \abb. Darling Cutie \ 1. Refers to a professional violinist with a strong preference for ice cream and an ever cheerful disposition, despite an unsuccessful audition with the Utah Symphony in September. 2. One who is grateful for his current position with the Arkansas Symphony and Rockefeller Quartet. 3. Husband and father who displays willingness to camp with scouting sons and to pace a room with infant daughter for hours at a time to the strains of Beethoven violin sonatas. 4. A traveler on occasion, including a trip to his brother Bob’s wedding this year.

exacto \ĭg-zăk'tō\ 1. A very exact, precise member of the Fiddler family, often observed reading, doing homework, or fulfilling his duties as a deacon. 2. The first child of the Fiddler and his wife, has been known to read the dictionary for fun (just kiddon!), and play the French horn at school. 3. A twelve-year-old boy with an everlasting craving for chocolate, ice cream, and Fablehaven. 4. Has been known to express excessive interest in the computer, as well as measurable diligence in Scouting achievement, having nearly attained the rank of Star.

hum·mer \'hŭmər\ 1. a nearly-seven-year-old boy in the Fiddler family with a distinct affinity for applesauce, pineapple, maple syrup, and “Wosebewwie” sic. 2. The third child of the Fiddler and his wife, a devotee of all things 1^st grade, especially his teacher. 3. Contender for the title of “Top Reader” of his class, he unfortunately considers the stairs in the Fiddler home his “stomping ground”. 4. Often exhibits a contagious giggle and a knack for some pretty sweet dance moves.

lar·ynx \'lar-iŋks\ n the upper part of the trachea containing the vocal chords.

mi·chelle \mĭ-'shĕl\ 1. Adult female member of the Fiddler family, known to be semi-permanently attached at the hip to the youngest member of the Fiddler family 2. Mother of five, age 30-something, showing an affinity to cooking and blogging, and a desperation to get more organized. 3. One who is known to read too much, and who strives not to covet others’ digital SLR cameras. 4. Exhibiting an inclination to reverse the effects of aging on her children.

rose·ber·ry \'rōz-bā-rē\ 1. The pinnacle of sweetness and adorability, having blond hair, four teeth, three larynxes, two blue eyes, and one tenacious predisposition to awaken multiple times at night. 2. One year old on 12/21/10. 3. Also known as “Brunhilda” (see above regarding number of larynxes). 4. A word describing “the cutest object in the universe” (according to her brothers).

fluf·fy \'flŭf-ē\ 1. The second child of the Fiddler family, being 9 ½ years old, and having nearly achieved the Bear rank in the Cub Scouting organization. 2. Refers to a peaceful boy with a propensity to get straight A’s and devour great literature with a hearty appetite. 3. Having the quality of or pertaining to a young man with a penchant for harmonizing ad lib, as well as playing the violin and piano. 4. Also refers to one who grows out of his clothes faster than his mom can buy them.

Dearest blog,

I miss you desperately. It has been too long since we have been together. I think of you every day, think of things I would like to tell you, beautiful thoughts that beg to be expressed. Almost every day this year has been a Day of Gratitude.

How I long to sit and chat with you for hours and catch up on everything. To tell you of Exacto's first band concert and Fluffy's looking so handsome in his new glasses. How Hummer wanted to "lick the kitchen floor" so he would get sick and not have to go to school when there was a substitute.

I wish I could spend an hour every day just conveying to you the winning ways of our beloved baby Rosebud in her last few days of being less than a year old. Or telling you of the kindness of DC and his birthday gift to me of a whole day with free hands, even when he is so busy himself.

Alas, our time is not now. But it is coming soon, I know it. A day will soon come, when Rosebud WILL go to bed in her crib before 11pm, and take at least one regular nap per day. (I am relying on the Australian Baby Whisperer's plan for this!) A day when our tangle with the city over the ditch in our yard will be resolved, and my peace of mind restored. I have high hopes. . . .

Please wait for me, and know that my heart is still with you.

With longing,

Michelle

Benjamin's 3rd Birthday: His Place in Our Family

Who can say for certain?
Maybe you're still here.
~ "To Where You Are," Linda Thompson

I wrote Benjamin's story here on the blog in the weeks following his death. Something I wrote at the end has bothered me ever since: "And now it is time to learn to live without this precious son."

A paradox of parental bereavement is that while you are physically separated permanently from your child, you are so consumed by thoughts and feelings about him that it is as if he is always with you in your heart and mind, perhaps even more than if he were physically with you. Yet all that is invisible. For the first few months and even years you walk around with an agonizing hole inside, every heartbeat longing for the child missing from your arms, and the Walmart worker or the new neighbor or the man walking down the street has no idea. There is a sense of almost panic that everyone but you will forget about your child who is so deeply loved and important to you. I struggled with reconciling the lack of physical presence with the intense desire to feel him close, knowing that it was possible.

I am acquainted with two very special people who have dealt with loss in ways that have inspired me. One is Ruth Flake, a sister in the small town in Arizona where my parents live, whose husband was a cattle rancher. They raised a large family, and looked forward to serving a full-time mission when he retired. Not long before they would have been able to go, Bro. Flake contracted serious pneumonia and died. This was of course a crushing blow to his family, and what Sis. Flake did next filled me with awe. She went on a mission. She said that she knew her husband was serving on the other side of the veil, and this way they would be serving together. She included mentions of him in her letters home.

The other inspiration for this post is from Megan. Her two beautiful twin daughters were taken from her even earlier than my son was taken from me. She wrote one time about adjusting to living with her girls "on another sort of plane. They are not gone far. Whenever I go into our backyard, I like to think of them on the other side of the fence." I loved this. It immediately helped me shift my mindset a little bit towards the amazing faith of Ruth Flake. I wanted to learn to live with my son, even though he physically is not here.

The past three years have been spent carving out Benjamin's place in our family and in the world--the place he would naturally have if he were here whenever possible--the place he deserves as our son, brother, nephew, grandson, and cousin. I feel blessed well beyond what I deserve to have family and friends who have supported us so completely and lovingly in this process. The panic I used to feel has dissolved into a peaceful reassurance that no one who loves us will forget our son Benjamin. They love him, too. And that has allowed me amazing peace and healing. It has helped me more than anything to return to enjoying life.

Maybe sometime I will post about specific things family members have done for his birthday and Christmas, or how friends have showed compassion at just the right times. But in many cases it almost feels like that might tarnish a little bit the beauty of what they have done--the quiet privacy of these acts was part of the love shown. So this post will be about our immediate family and the ways we have found to include Benjamin in our family right now, buoyed up by the fact that we are not alone in remembering him.

Some ways we have found to live with Benjamin. . . .

~ We talk about him often, and usually without tears. We always include him in the count when people ask how many children we have. We wonder aloud what he would be doing if he were here.

~ He is on our Family Home Evening chart! This was Hummer's idea. I made the chart back in 2004 with two blank name cards, just in case. :) They stayed blank until a few months ago, when Hummer decided to rectify the situation with a permanent marker. At first it made me sad, but then I realized it was a great way to include Benjamin. If he's on "Prayer", someone gives it for him. If he's on "Share", we look at a page or two in his scrapbook. If he's on any of the others, we just try to think of what he might like to choose if he were here. And I believe he often is here for FHE. :)

 

~ We have rituals and traditions that include him. Nearly every Sunday after church, we go to the cemetery. Exacto, Fluffy, and Hummer don't always actually come to his gravesite, but spend the time down at the lake, chasing the Canadian geese or inspecting the fish and turtles. Rosebud and I walk to his grave and just stand and think for a while, and I usually take a picture. We plant live flowers there in almost every season. We decorate with things that we think are beautiful or that remind us of him.

 

~ We try to find ways to include him in our family portraits. Some ideas we've used are: photoshopping an actual photo of him into the picture, holding a white rose to symbolize him, and this summer at our family reunion, a cute little snail stood in for him. I thought this was appropriate, since Benjamin would have been 2 1/2 in this picture and probably quite enamored with snails. :)

 

~ His birthday includes special meals just like all our other birthdays, and a particular cake. His birthday cake is the most delicious carrot cake you'll ever have, made with whole wheat. Here's the recipe I use:

Benjamin’s Birthday Cake

CAKE

2 cups whole wheat flour

2 cups sugar

2 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

2 tsp. ground cinnamon

1 tsp. ground ginger

4 eggs

1 cup vegetable oil

4 cups shredded carrots (I buy matchstick carrots, then chop a little more)

1 cup chopped walnuts (DC leaves these out)

2 tsp. vanilla

FROSTING

3 oz. cream cheese

¼ cup (½ stick) butter

2 cups powdered sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

Butter & flour two 8” round cake pans. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Sift together dry ingredients. Beat together eggs and oil. Beat in dry ingredients. Add carrots, walnuts and vanilla.

Pour batter evenly into two cake pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes until done. Do NOT overcook. Cool in pans for 20 minutes. Remove from pans and cool completely. Frost and refrigerate for 12 hours or more.

Frosting: Soften cream cheese and butter. Beat together until fluffy. Stir in powdered sugar gradually. Stir in vanilla. Frost cake lightly. Keep refrigerated.

 

~ We have written a special FHE lesson that we give on the Monday night near his birthday. It is always a beautiful spiritual experience to talk together as a family about Benjamin and the hope we have through Jesus Christ of really being with him again. We each take a turn saying what we look forward to doing with him.

Please, No Empty Chairs - FHE Lesson

 

There are many others. I always love discovering new ways to include him in our everyday life. Someday I will know how close he really is right now, and how often he was actually with us when we couldn't see him.

A beautiful day

What an amazingly wonderful day this has been. Thank you all who called or emailed or thought kindly towards us today!
I had a fancy post almost all ready to publish, and then Windows Live Writer started having fits, and I couldn't get it figured out. But hopefully tomorrow, I will share with you my thoughts about Benjamin's place in our family! Oh, how I love him.
My heart is filled with peace and gratitude tonight.