My blog is having an identity crisis

Mayhap you have noticed.

Over the past few months, I have had lots of time to think and not very much time to blog. There were two major life changes that caused me to really do some soul-searching and discovering who I am now. And I have wondered whether or not to even continue blogging. Why do I blog, anyway? Why do I read blogs? And why do my little Primary kids at church think bodily sounds are funny? These are all deep questions that I have pondered and--I THINK--found answers to!

I debated about whether or not to share some of this on here. But I decided, yes. Most of ya'll have been with me since my days of agonized, therapeutic posting about my grief. You also deserve to see into my heart now that things are better.

Life Changing Event #1 - Rosebud's birth. Oh, man. It has been so awesome. I feel soooo blessed and soooo happy to have her! Never having had a daughter before, it really has rocked my world. I have always thought of myself as a mother of boys. I think about and worry about many different things than when it was just boys. And of course, Mama's Boys needs a new title, definitely (more about that later. . . .).

Life Changing Event #2 - Shortly after Rosebud's birth, my doctor gave me the very unwelcome news that after 5 C-sections, my uterus cannot handle another pregnancy. He used words like "life threatening" and "very thin at the scar, like Saran wrap" to describe the situation in there. It has taken me months to even be able to talk about this without crying. I have always said that if I did have a girl, I'd have to have two at least, because she'd need a sister! I couldn't stand the thought that Rosebud will grow up with her closest living sibling being 6 years older than her. I felt like I was being forced into an early retirement. I'm only 32! That's way too young to suddenly not have any more babies to look forward to! I wondered what on earth there was to look forward to for the rest of my life that would be anywhere as awesome as holding my own baby.

For a while this kept me on my knees a lot, crying and praying about whether or not this is right. I didn't want to face the answer I was being given, that it is.  Hummer nearly broke my heart when I told him the news. He said in a shocked, sad voice, like he couldn't believe it: "No more babies?!" Although I still don't understand all of why life is so different in some ways than I thought it would be, I am grateful to Heavenly Father for blessing me with a measure of peace about it. And I am SO GRATEFUL for the five beautiful children I do have!

So who am I now? An almost-grandma is what I suddenly feel like! Silly, I know, but I can't help it.

Slowly but surely, though, I have started to realize and discover happy and true things about my new life. A few of them. . . .

~ Never being pregnant again means never facing the sickness and emotional trauma again - I can focus on being the best mom I can be to the sweet babies I have

~ I am hardly retiring yet. As Exacto recently reminded me, they'll still be here for a while!

~ I am DC's wife. Yes, sometimes I need to be reminded of the fact that he is my companion for life and for eternity, not just eternity :)! He will still be here when I AM a grandma, and he is here now.

So. . . .long story short: I am sorry for the very sparse posting. But I have answers now! I have decided WHY I BLOG and WHY I READ BLOGS. I have decided on a new blog title and done a lot of the preliminary designing for the look it will have. It will be unveiled sometime in the next decade, hopefully! And I have decided that little Primary kids just think almost anything is funny. (sigh)

(Anyone have any advice about whether or not to change the url? Or about making sure I can transfer all my posts to a new place, if I do change it?)

And soon, you can follow along with me if you like, as my life gets redefined. . . .

 

how rosebud gives me kisses :)

Caught being awesome: FLUFFY :)

Hummer is outside ponderously pulling weeds for his two required "Weed-free Zones" (yes, I make my kids really work. . . .not hard enough, though! :). He has been out there for almost 2 hours doing what should be a 10-minute job. He has come in numerous times asking for help. (Before you feel sorry for him, you should know that he filled two plastic bags full all by himself in about 10 minutes a couple weeks ago -- he can do it!)
Anyway. He's miserable, mostly because he can't stand being by himself, and I would help him, but need to make dinner and take care of Rosebud. Fluffy had homework to do, so I suggested he go out there and do it and keep Hummer company. I thought for sure he would complain, but he said cheerfully, "Okay!"
He's out there now, and I can hear cheerful conversation between them. So awesome. I love you, Fluffy!

P.S. Exacto was also caught being awesome holding Rosebud while I typed this post. :)

my favorite moment today

~ lying on my back on the trampoline with Rosebud right next to me at dusk. the static electricity made her hair stick up, and her arm went into my hair and sometimes she pulled it. we looked up at the shockingly blue sky (never blue here in AR except after huge storms followed by cold fronts). white clouds scudding across. branches and leaf crowds in trees being pushed around by the strong sudden winds. birds soaring way higher than I realized birds can soar. I looked over at Rose and she had her two fingers in her mouth (in pianospeak: it's always her RH 3 and 4 :). Exacto came out then, and lay on the other side of Rose and told me that the sky was a huge river and the clouds were boats and we were glued to the bottom of a bridge staring down. next came Fluffy and his eyes looked like the sky and his hair was sculptured from wearing his bike helmet for almost three hours, and he kept threatening to bounce us. it got cold and Rose and I came in.

2010: the year to ENJOY

 

At first I thought I would apologetically introduce this post as being late. It is well into April already, after all. But then I realized that the reason I haven't written this post sooner is because I've been doing (most of the time) exactly what I'm going to write about! { pat on the back :) }

This year, 2010, is my year to ENJOY.

It is the year of Rosebud's babyhood.

It is the last year I will have all pre-teenagers.

And, really, each year of a child's life is so precious. Babyhood is particularly amazing because of the stunning amount of growth in such a short time that babies experience, but truly, I love every single year of childhood. My mom says there is something to love about every phase, and she's right, of course.

 

So, it is the year to enjoy Hummer as a 6-year-old, with teeth falling out and coming in all over the place, and with almost everything that he says making me laugh.

 

It is the year to enjoy Fluffy as an 8- and 9-year-old, outgrowing clothes faster than I can keep up with, and becoming newly aware of the world around him.

 

It is the year to enjoy Exacto as an 11- and 12-year-old, seeing him ordained to the Aaronic Priesthood and being able to laugh with him and have deep conversations with him.

 

And it is the year for DC and I to watch in awe and delight as our daughter learns and grows at an almost visible rate.

I am really glad to have chosen this as my "theme" for the year. Already I have caught myself several times slipping into the getting-stuff-done mode, or wishing-away-a-phase mode. But then I remember how fleeting this time is. That when 2011 rolls around things will be different. I just want to bottle up this time and be able to look at it and taste it and ENJOY it always.

 

Unfortunately (or fortunately) the nature of mortality is that years pass, and that somehow we have to learn to find joy in the present time without longing for what came before or wishing for what is ahead.

I think that that is part of Benjamin's gift to me. To see the intrinsic value of each moment of our life and savor it. To accept that time flows on, and things change, and that the things we rejoice in most are the things that will last beyond the limits of time. I love knowing that after this life, I will have one more baby to enjoy through all the phases of growing up!

 

And for now, I will hold Rosebud as much as I can, and hug those boys as much as they will let me, and tickle and listen to jokes and go for walks and jump on the trampoline and read stories and just . . .

. . . .ENJOY!

links that have been making me smile lately

Malauna's Baby Bonnet Tutorial - created just for me! :) I made one to go with Rosebud's Easter outfit, and it turned out so cute. It looks like a vintage early 20th century bonnet on her--love it!

 

"Lord, I Would Follow Thee" - Susan Evans McCloud, the author of one of my favorite hymns, "Lord, I Would Follow Thee", tells how she came to write those breathtakingly beautiful words. (As a side note, I was blessed to have Newell Dayley--who wrote the music--for one of my music theory teachers at BYU, and had the privilege of hearing from him firsthand how he came to write the music. Both the text and the setting are inspired.)

 

Nursing the Phatness - this is the cutest article! Rosebud's not at this age yet, but if you've ever nursed a baby that is 6 months or older, you will crack up reading this.

 

Bald Eagle family on Live WebCam! - incredible. I just checked it again as I was copying the link, and watched a mother bald eagle feeding the two chicks in the nest! I love watching how attentive she is to their comfort.

 

M2B:) - my current favorite in the Blog Reader. Michael McLean --of whose music I was taught to be somewhat scornful (my dad, the self-described musical bigot, says if it's not classical, it's not music:)-- has begun 2010 with a "Mission To Be Happy." He writes on this blog an almost-daily account of something that made him happy that day. His posts nearly always make me laugh out loud, and always uplift me.

 

Hope you enjoy! Happy Friday!

Project 365 Rosebud - { too marvelous for words }

I'm doing great with my goal of taking pictures of Rosebud every day, but apparently I can't manage to post them regularly! So these are just some of my favorites from the past couple of weeks.

I've had this Nat King Cole song stuck in my head for days, and I sing it to her all the time :).

(Click on the player to enjoy. . . . .)

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

 

You're just too marvelous, too marvelous for words

 

 

like "glorious",

"glamorous",

and that old standby "amorous".

 

 

You're just too wonderful. I'll never find the words

 

 

That tell enough,

Spell enough,

I mean, they just aren't swell enough.

 

 

You're much too "much",

And just too very "very",

To ever be in Webster's Dictionary.

 

 

And so I'm borrowing

A love song from the birds

 

 

To tell you're that your marvelous,

Too marvelous for words.

 

Caught being awesome: Exacto

Today the boys were anxious to ride their bikes--it's such nice weather. The only problem is that Exacto and Fluffy ride regular bikes and like to go off on long bike rides, and Hummer still has training wheels and has to stay behind. Earlier today the older two were being so sweet to him, and even let him come along, making sure he was safe as they slowly rode all together.

Between Conference sessions we decided that maybe Hummer was ready to start learning to ride without training wheels, and DC took them off and started coaching him on the grassy slope in our front yard.

After the afternoon session was over, the older boys asked if they could go again, and I was torn between wanting to let them go off and have a long ride, but feeling bad for Hummer left behind. Before I could decide, I realized they were all out there. I looked out and saw Exacto running along with Hummer on his bike, helping him learn how to balance!

It was the sweetest sight ever! I was just so impressed that Exacto would do that without being asked! Meanwhile I needed to make dinner, and figured he would give up after a few tries.

Twenty minutes later I looked out again, and Hummer was riding like a pro!! Isn't it amazing what the love of a big brother can do?

 

P.S. I feel like I'm coming out of a cocoon. I know I've neglected this blog terribly. I have been rediscovering who I am--such big changes recently. Rosebud has outgrown her reflux (YAY!!!!) and hopefully I'll start to write more regularly soon. . .