November 3, 2011

. . . .It wasn’t! : ) But it was very chilly as we met at the zoo. Five of the 3- and 4-year-olds from church came to your party, and their moms and younger siblings.

We had cupcakes with pinwheels.

Your daddy and brothers and sister were there, too, and we all rode the train, and played games, and sang to you.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Later, at home, I spent some time going through your memory box, holding the gown you wore, touching the little lock of hair that is so irresistibly soft and such a precious tangible proof that you are real.

When I touch those things I am filled with painful longing to hold you again and at the same time awe at the beauty you have brought to my life.

You strengthen our family immeasurably. We are unified in our desire to reach where you are.

President Faust said that we don’t know the extent to which ministering angels bless our lives. I feel certain you are ministering to us in ways we will only know after we too have crossed the veil.

My heart is filled to overflowing with love for you and your siblings.

So grateful to be your eternal

Mother

Note: The party at the zoo was part of a special gift from two very kindhearted people. They are DC’s sponsors through the Arkansas Symphony Orchestra, and earlier this year –out of sheer generosity—they  gave our family a membership to the zoo and a gift certificate for a birthday party there. We wondered at first how we would use the party—it would have been perfect for Benjamin, we thought. Then I thought of my Sunbeams, and how they would love a day at the zoo, and the idea to use it for Benjamin’s birthday seemed perfect after all.

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven!

Dear, sweet Benjamin ~

Today marks four years since you joined our family, and our celebrations have been joyful.

 

 

Last night we took 5 shiny balloons to the cemetery, just as the sun was setting. We each wrote notes to you on 4 of the balloons.

 

 

(The fifth I tied to the hook near your grave).

 

 

Then we walked to the shore of the lake, and released the balloons up into the sky. As we watched them rise we sang I Am a Child of God.

 

 

We came home and had your traditional birthday dinner, the No Empty Chairs family home evening lesson, and then carrot cake and ice cream.

 

 

We prayed that it wouldn’t be raining today. . . .

(to be continued)

The rest of the story. . . .Sunbeams

I realized that I have never followed up with you all on what happened with my challenging call to be a Sunbeam teacher. Would you like to know now?

It took a fairly complex strategy -- and just sheer hanging on through several months. . . .

I was assigned a great co-teacher, who was flexible enough to step in and take over when I was wrassling with a defiant or wailing child.  We may not have always seen eye-to-eye on how things should be handled, but she was unfailingly dependable in being there and doing her best to help.

I was released from my calling as ward music chair. (If I had my druthers at the time, I would have chosen to keep that one and lose the Primary one, but the Church is true! I know that callings are made and changed through inspiration.) It was a great relief to have only one calling to work on.

DC took Rosebud during the first hour. I was so grateful that later on, as the Sunbeams started to adjust and be happier and better behaved, I was able to take her back during that time. I loved having her on my lap as we all sang songs and listened to Sharing Time. It took several months to get to that point, though. . . .

A dear friend in the ward took it upon herself to become Rosebud's guardian angel during the class-time hour. She took her to Relief Society cuddling her as if she were her own grandchild. I was amazed at how happy Rose was whenever I emerged from the class and found her there on Mary's lap.

We came up with a firm routine. I made sunbeam magnets with the kids' pictures on them that we put up one by one at the beginning of class. We had fruit snacks on a blanket and held hands when we walked to the bathroom, and all kinds of little rituals that they learned to count on. And the amazing thing was to see that every single week, they seemed a little older and a little more able to cope with being asked to sit and listen and participate for two hours. I am convinced that a 3-year-old is a completely different animal than a 4-year-old!

The defiant child. . . what really helped me with him was hearing someone say they wished his Nursery leader were teaching with me, because he REALLY loved her. I've always had a bit of a competitive streak and that pricked me into a determination that he would love me just as much! That switch from just trying to get through each Sunday with him, to trying to really like him and help him like me made all the difference. By March he always wanted to be sitting by me and rarely challenged me any more in class.

The wailing child. . . for a few weeks his mom came with him. Then she said he needed to just quit cold turkey, or he never would adjust. So we gave it a shot, and man, it was rough! For weeks I spent all of Singing Time and Sharing Time in the hallway with him crying and screaming in my arms. Ward member after sympathetic ward member passing by would either stop and try in vain to help or just look at me and shake their heads, openly grateful that it was me and not them! Then I learned that this little boy spoke mostly Spanish at home, and so I  started trying to comfort him in Spanish. (This was kind of a joke, seeing as I don't speak Spanish, but I learned one or two phrases and repeated them in a compassionate tone. :) Eventually I could at least enter the Primary Room with him and stand at the back without him screaming. Then we could sit in the back row. Eventually we made our way to sitting with our class.

The funny thing is that the two children that were so difficult for so long ended up being the ones I miss the most now.

Yes, I miss them now! Because in August, the Primary president took me aside and told me she was reassigning me. I was floored. I thought I was definitely in for the long haul, and would probably be the Sunbeam teacher until we moved or something. She asked if I would mind being in the Nursery now. Would I??!! So now I have the delight of taking Rosemary to Nursery and then staying there and playing with her and the other little ones and getting to see her interact with them and her wide eyes as we have the lesson and her chubby little fingers pick up each goldfish cracker. It is awesome.

 

I am grateful for what I learned from this assignment and its difficult timing. I am grateful for the love I grew to have for those 5 little children of God. And I am grateful to be in Nursery now. :)

 

Where I'm From

A writing exercise based on this poem by George Ella Lyon. Hope you enjoy my plucky attempt. :)

 

I am from hot rocks and thorns,

from Saguaros and monsoon dust.

I am from brown carpet and rust-red brick.

(Full moon shining through open vertical blinds

a witness to coyotes’ unholy rejoicing).

I am from the caterpillar I ate when I was 4,

and the tunnels under our three rows of corn,

from the mulberry tree’s lowest limb

with a peanut-butter bucket on a string

for my servant sister to fill.

 

 

I am from Hop on Pop and Rush Grush,

  from Nancy and Jim.

I’m from the homemade bread on Saturday nights

and mariachi pancake mornings,

  from “Talk nicely” and ya-gotta-get-up reveille.

I’m from Oh, Carden, we love thee,

  from warm water covering my white dress,

  the name of God resonating distantly familiar.

 

 

 

I’m from Lester and Ella’s branch,

Sky-blue eyes and hands that mirror mine.

From Christmas Eve piñatas as we shivered barefoot.

  Sunday night British Bulldogs.

Outside my bedroom window are hard blue mountains.

Under my feet solid desert rock.

I am from the warm foothills

of Heaven.

 

Day 54 - { summer magic }

   That beautiful season
*  *  *  the Summer of All-Saints!
Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape
Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.
        Longfellow, Evangeline. Pt. I. St. 2.

 

100 degrees, 100% humidity. Ah, summer. It is the most miserable time of year in Arkansas, weather-wise, but the most amazing, magical time for us, family-wise! Not only do I get my babies home, but Darling Cutie's schedule vaguely resembles a school teacher's; the symphony season is only during the school year. So apart from the Fourth of July riverside concert, private students and weddings, &c., his time is his own. All those weekends he works during the school year suddenly get made up, and we have about 2 months' worth of "Saturdays." It is HEAVEN.

I want to share with you a fun summertime tradition that I got from my childhood and carry on now (I think all my best ideas come directly from my own parents!). We call it Theme Days.

Each day of the week is assigned a theme, and then we already have a go-to every morning for when the chores and practicing are done and we want to do something together. It is SO FUN!!! Here's the lineup we did this year. . . .

Monday = Arts & Crafts Day

One week we did Shrinky Dinks.

("CTRFamily" is our geocaching username).

 

Another week we did a marshmallow catapult. I keep a folder of ideas on my Delicious bookmarks account. Some good sources for ideas are other blogs, familyfun.go.com, and also we love using this book. . .

 

Tuesday = Geocaching Day

This was a highlight this past summer! Exacto was super helpful with keeping up with the tech-y side of things, and we were sure to pack snacks and water.

I wish I had time to post about some of the memorable adventures we had, but for now I'll just mention that we saw Civil-War era graves and beautiful green places that we would never have discovered otherwise. We found an incredible view of downtown LR that we had passed dozens of times and never noticed. We got scratched and bitten and tiptoed through a field of poison ivy. We even got reprimanded by a cop for parking in a bad spot. But it was such a blast.

  If you have boys around the ages of mine, this is an awesome hobby for you to pick up. Boys need to be outdoors, you know? And this is a good way to get outdoor time in smaller doses than just heading out for a morning in the sweltering heat. Plus it is addictingly fun.

 

Wednesday = Library Day

Well, of course, we go to the library! This summer I had a couple of piano students on Wednesday mornings, so DC took the kids to the library. There's a great Baby Storytime at our nearest library in Little Rock, and Rosebud gets a huge kick out of it. The boys just wander and try to find books they haven't already read but will like--not an easy feat! I remember when I was a child, coming home from the library with all those new books was awesome, but I always, ALWAYS got carsick on the way home! It was part of the tradition. :)

 

Thursday = Outdoor Adventure Day

This one sometimes doubled as a second Geocaching day (we couldn't seem to get enough of that!), but one day we did go on a very memorable hike through the forest in a park in our town. It felt like a jungle, it was SO HUMID.

We found a babbling brook and a nifty waterfall, and Exacto ran headlong through a huge spiderweb which made all of us creep out for a while. Then right as we came out onto the paved path again it started pouring rain with no lightning. We laughed and sang in the rain on the way back to our car and all of us were soaked through.

 

Then there was the week when the heat index was about 114 degrees, and an outdoor adventure just wasn't going to be happening! We had heard about a free movie series at a nearby theater, and that week they were showing Voyage of the Dawn Treader! Yay! So we WATCHED an outdoor adventure. :)

 

Friday = Baking Day

My favorite culinary creation from this summer's experiments was the rainbow cupcakes from Our Best Bites. It was a perfect setup to try it, because the tedious part of layering the colors was the part my kids enjoyed the most, and I was happy to pass it off to them! :) And I got a huge kick out of trying OBB's crazy-sounding icing recipe, which turned out to be so sinfully delicious I felt like I might get arrested for making it.

 

Saturday = Game Day

We didn't stick to this one very well--sometimes it's nice to just chill and not worry about doing anything structured! But we did play games a couple of Saturdays. Our favorites right now are. . . .

Whoonu - this one's awesome because it doesn't involve skill, just how well you know the other people playing (and of course, the luck of the draw)

 

Dominion - we played the one with my sister and her husband when they came to visit for the Fourth of July, and got totally hooked! It is a blast!

 

The break is over now, and we are again at the mercy of our bossy school-day schedule. But the sweet taste of this heavenly summer lingers. How grateful I am for the time we had to rest and be together. I feel incredibly blessed that we have this special time to look forward to every year!

 

our divine Creator

This video is so powerful to me -- it uplifted me and expanded my mind today. (Dr. Lewis's family was in my ward growing up -- they are so wonderful, and we still love them dearly. :)

the pit and the pendulum

Down -- steadily down it crept. I took a frenzied pleasure in contrasting its downward with its lateral velocity.

To the right -- to the left -- far and wide -- with the shriek of a damned spirit; to my heart with the stealthy pace of the tiger!

I alternately laughed and howled as the one or the other idea grew predominant.

~Edgar Allen Poe

I am so silly! I felt all lame about my last post because all week there were zero comments, and I figured well, it had just been so long since I wrote that obviously no one was reading my blog anymore. Then today I logged in to add something to my sidebar, and saw all your comments waiting for moderation! Thank you so much! (I've turned off the moderation now. :)

I have thought and thought about the things you said, and am so grateful for the wisdom you shared. I feel better about how I'm doing. I think you're right--I do still have the most important things in the right place in my life.

You know, last year my only real goal was to enjoy my life, especially my children and my last baby during her year of babyhood. I wrote about that, as you may recall. :) I achieved that goal brilliantly--it was truly one of the best years of my life.

Unfortunately, while it is very rewarding as a mother to simply enjoy your children, it is not very good for your house. My house was *not* tidy! I started to get embarrassed at having to apologize when people came over for the same messes that were there the LAST time they had come over. I began to mull over the fact that I am raising future homeowners and parents and wonder how they will remember my homemaking skills. And, as I tripped for the umpteenth time over the pile of framed pictures waiting to be put back on the walls of the boys' room--a pile that has sat in our hallway for a year and three months now!--I made a solemn vow that my children, and especially my daughter, would certainly NOT remember their mother as such a slovenly housekeeper, even if it meant less enjoyment of my time with them!

It is a challenge to raise 3 boys and 1 girl in a 3-bedroom house of less than 1400 sq ft. Sometimes I start to bemoan my fate, then of course, I try to repent for being ungrateful. I am so inspired by my mom's parents, my Grandma and Grandpa McCleve, who raised their ten children in a 2-bedroom house with ONE bathroom. And not only lived to tell about it, but have an amazing, faithful set of posterity to show for it! I am so spoiled with my 2.5 bathrooms, etc. So yes, I know I can do it, if they could do it with less.

Our whole philosophy with the house when we bought it was to live in it for a few years (we took an adjustable-rate mortgage), then move to a bigger one. We figured that probably DC would have a new/better job by then and we would have to sell anyway. Seven years and a major recession later, we are definitely rethinking. The good news is that the adjusting rate has actually reduced our mortgage payments! (Score!) But now what do we do? The market is great for refinancing with a fixed rate, but we really feel like we are splitting at the seams. Refinance or buy bigger?

So I guess the reason I explain all that is because it shows why I am trying to glorify our house. :) We figured that if we stayed, it sure needed to be decluttered and reorganized so that we don't have to sleep on our stuff (it sounds ridiculous, but I can't help but think that's the way we're headed!). And if we sold we'd need to declutter and reorganize and decorate. I figure, if we're going to spend money on decorating to sell a house, by golly I want to enjoy it, too, not just the people buying it!

Hence the very ambitious house goal.

I have a friend whose house is always amazingly clean and beautiful and well-kept. She seems very balanced, and finds time for husband, children, calling, hobbies, staying in shape, etc. I guess I just thought I could reach for that myself. But it's not me, apparently! I think people like that require less sleep than I do. Of course there are always hidden struggles, too, for people who seem to have it all together. (I know if I ever *did* get it all together, my struggle would then be to remain humble! ha!)

So how to avoid the pit of failed goals when the pendulum starts swinging back? How do I balance enjoying the precious time with my family with taking care of their needs and having a "house of order"? I will let you know when I figure that out!

Meanwhile, instead of trying to finish that list of house projects by the end of the year, I am feeling like it would be better to keep it as a next-step list. I'll try allotting some time every day to it (at least during the summer) and just do the tortoise thing.

And regarding the waist measurement goal, I think you're right. It's too much to do 8". Maybe just to see some progress in the right direction (decreasing instead of ballooning!). Anyone have an abs routine they're in love with?

Thanks for listening. Some real catch-up posts are up next on the menu. . . .