Thursday, December 25, 2008

Missing my baby

I hope you all had a beautiful, peaceful day. We did. (Well, the peaceful part might be a little subjective. . . :) It was an AMAZINGLY GENEROUS Christmas. We were simply overwhelmed by the gifts that were given to us. A true echo of the love and infinite generosity of our Father's Gift to all of us.

Christmas morning collage

Christmas letters will be coming your way soon! I am just hoping to have them done by New Year's. I love receiving Christmas letters, even if they're months late. It's just so nice to stay in touch with our friends that way, even if only once a year (or every other year!).

I want to share some very real feelings from today.

I have a DVD playing in the background of Sissel with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. It is absolutely gorgeous, and is filling my heart. I remember so clearly watching and listening to it last year as I cried and wrapped presents the night before Christmas.

It was so wonderful to perform acts of service in Benjamin's honor this year, and also to receive gifts for him from my family. They also did special acts of service as gifts for him. I love you, family!!!! I don't know how anyone ever survives the death of a child without supportive family and friends!

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This Christmas was not as hard as last Christmas, but I was surprised by how hard it still was. I miss my little son!

I just keep thinking back on those few short hours with him, how soft he was and how perfect. My mind had not yet accepted the fact that I would not be keeping him, and I just felt wonderful and so happy and grateful to have him. Then when it became apparent that I would have to let him go, I tried desperately to memorize every little detail. I wrapped his fingers around mine and tried to engrave on my mind that feeling of his tiny hand against my fingers.

He would be a robust, adorable 13 months by now.

When the boys opened a new set of Magnetix today, I was suddenly overwhelmed with a deep sadness. It's funny how seemingly random things trigger that. One of my greatest fears is to have one of my babies choke on something. We had thrown away our last Magnetix set because of a scare with Hummer. As the boys tore off the wrapping paper and saw what it was, they all looked up at me to see my reaction (they know I'm paranoid. :))

I paused long enough to stop myself from starting to cry (I have lots of practice with that now!), and said, "It's okay. There's no baby here to choke on them." So they tore into it! :)

But the rest of the day I just kept feeling that familiar bittersweet realization that tints my whole life now. We do have a baby. He is perfect and he is safe. But he is not here.

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Dear, sweet Benjamin--

Were you close today? Did you see your gifts of love? They were amazing.

I miss you terribly still. I try not to "clutch" onto you, as I know you want me to be happy. But oh, how I ache to hold you and see your brothers enjoy you. I long to be feeding you and changing you and rocking you.

I still have moments where I stop to listen because I think I hear you crying. Strange, when I never heard you cry even once.

Merry Christmas to my very own angel. I will try all my life to be worthy to be your mother.

How wonderful to think that you can wish Happy Birthday to our Savior personally!

Stay close.

Love,

Mommy

8 comments:

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle
I related to so much of your emotion today. It was our first without our sweet Branson, and oh how we missed having him hear with us! I was happy to see that you too did service for Benjamin...we didn't hear anything so I'm guessing it was just for your family. Isn't that a great gift to our little angels? We so much enjoyed watching Branson's stocking fill with the gifts of service done in rememberance of him...especially yours :) I was thinking of you lots today and hoping that your Christmas was good. I'm sure we'll always miss our little guys...especially on days like this. I too hope Branson was able to be near today.
I love you
natalie

Mary D said...[Reply to comment]

What a wonderful thing to do, gifts of service! Benjamin is touching so many people in a way that you had not expected but still doing the work he was sent to do. You are a wonderful mother to all your boys!

GumbyandPokey said...[Reply to comment]

Oh Michelle! Thanks for sharing all of that. I think it's so awesome that you guys took all your talent to a nursing home!

Cindi

Vauna said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle, my eyes are filled with tears as I read your letter to Benjamin. I'm so sorry for your grief. You are an amazing woman.
Merry Christmas!

Andre said...[Reply to comment]

That makes me sad! I felt sad on Christmas but it wasn't overwhelming. There were times of course but it wasn't as horrible as I worried that it would be. I think of you often and like to read your blog to know how you are. Keep your chin up and know your Heavenly Father loves you.

The Barnharts said...[Reply to comment]

I just read Benjamin's story. Thank you for being so strong and sharing it. I hope your New Year is a little brighter!

Andrea said...[Reply to comment]

Michelle:
That was a beautiful letter. I am so impressed with you and how you do try every day to stay worthy of being his mother. You have always been a great example to me in that way.
Happy New Year!!

Mom/Nana/A. Nancy said...[Reply to comment]

What a sweet letter to Benjamin! He is our sweet angel. Loved seeing your Christmas through the Blog. You're amazing!