Friday, September 4, 2009

Day 34 - { the Priesthood }

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

~ 2 Timothy 1:7

 

I've been wanting to write this post for several weeks now, to share with you all the miracle that has happened to me. . . .

To show you what was going on in my mind and heart before the miracle, here is a post I started to write at the end of July:

This pregnancy has been a totally different experience emotionally than the others. It is really hard to enjoy it and anticipate what's ahead when the fear weighs so heavily on me. While I am grateful, so SO grateful to have a new life growing inside me, I am trying to focus on each day. To notice and marvel at each movement. To remember to appreciate that sweet closeness that doesn't last no matter what the outcome is. And yet, not to look forward to the future, just in case it turns out like it did before. (No wonder my family thinks I'm a total basket case.)

I am completely disinclined to do many of the things that I've always done in the past. Already I have decided not to get out any baby clothes beforehand, and not to set up the crib. It just hurt too badly to come home to that empty crib last time, with the neatly stacked and folded baby clothes all ready on the shelves of the changing table.

And for once, I'm actually resisting the nesting instinct. Last time we spent weeks and weeks working on the entire house, and it was in impeccable order by the time we received the news that changed our lives permanently.

I should add, too, that the sickness and fear that was in my heart was affecting my friendships, especially with other pregnant women. I would hear someone say, "Well, I just hope this baby comes before the end of the year, so we can get the tax break." And I would freeze up, thinking, "I just hope this baby comes alive--I don't care when." And then I wouldn't know what to say without sounding bitter or paranoid, and that would end that conversation.

Any of you who were around me in May or June or July probably noticed I was antisocial, moody, hard to be around. (I am really sorry!) 

I was trying so hard to have faith, but I couldn't seem to just be happy about anything. All I was focused on was getting a living baby in my arms. And that wouldn't be happening until December--and maybe not even then! my mind kept screaming at me--so I had kind of stopped living my life normally.

I was sick inside.

 

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When Christ was on the earth, he went about healing the sick. He laid hands on the blind and they could see. He cast out devils. He even raised the dead.

He comforted broken hearts and calmed storms.

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Then he organized his Church, and gave this amazing power--the Priesthood--to his twelve apostles.

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I am grateful, so grateful, to know that He has again given this power to men on earth!

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When Peter, James, and John laid their hands on Joseph Smith's head, they gave him that same Priesthood power and authority that Jesus Himself had given them. And that has been passed down in the same way since through the generations. . . .to my dad.

When we went back to Arizona a few weeks ago, I asked my dad to give me a Priesthood blessing. I have such precious memories of his blessing me during my growing up years--when I fell out of a swing and knocked my front tooth out, when I was sick with an ear infection, and more recently, an indescribably beautiful blessing the night before I delivered Benjamin.

So, our last night there, he laid his hands on my head and through the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, said the words that the Savior would have said if it had been His hands on my head.

The amazing comfort and reassurance that poured into me completely overwhelmed me. I wish I could talk to you face-to-face and tell you what I heard and what I felt. It was too personal and sacred to share in much detail. . . .

But it healed my heart, and I am so different now than what I was before!

I am able to have joy in this pregnancy now, and real hope for the outcome. I can talk happily with friends about their babies, and not find myself biting back bitter words. I feel that I can plan to bring this baby home, and have started the organizing and cleaning that is natural to me in my normal pregnant state.

The paralyzing fear is gone.

100 days of gratitude tag

The sheer generosity of our Father in blessing me just to enjoy this pregnancy overwhelms me. He loves me enough to care how I feel right now!

He loves you that much, too.

Isn't it incredible?

12 comments:

Andre said...[Reply to comment]

Love it. I'm so glad you are getting the peace and reassurance you need right now. This is the time that I started losing my mind and worrying too much. I received a blessing, too, but it wasn't all that comforting at the time. After Colby was born I understood it better. I'm glad you are doing well!

Kara said...[Reply to comment]

Beautifully written...

Becky said...[Reply to comment]

I'm so glad for the Priesthood!! Thank you for the beautiful and uplifting reminder. We are indeed overwhelmingly blessed.

Mary D said...[Reply to comment]

The best post you have written! I love the way you share your most private feelings and help us all in the process.

Annalisa said...[Reply to comment]

that is incredible. you are so loved!

Maria said...[Reply to comment]

Thank you Michelle, That was beautiful!

Real said...[Reply to comment]

It's okay that you felt what you were feeling before, I think. Grief and mourning are totally appropriate in that situation. And it's okay that it took time to work through it. It's also wonderful how the atonement can heal hearts. Because happiness and joy are also appropriate! And maybe the happiness and joy will be even greater this time because of the depth of the previous despair.

Glad you're feeling better about everything.

Michelle said...[Reply to comment]

Thank you so much for your comments! I can't tell you how much each one means to me. It's like getting a hug from someone who really cares. :)
Just to clarify what's happening in my heart. . . .
I don't want it to seem like I don't grieve or mourn anymore. I do, sometimes just as much as ever. What this blessing helped me with was the horrible fear that was preventing me from living like I need to.
I'm sure I will feel great happiness when this little daughter is safely here. But there is a time of joy that will always be waiting until this life is over, no matter how many Priesthood blessings I have. I will never hold my son again until the next life, and that will always hurt.
What this blessing gave me is the ability to live and plan for THIS baby coming home. And that feels really, really good.

Amy Kay said...[Reply to comment]

{{Michelle}}, wow you are such an inspiration. You are an amazingly strong a resilient woman and mother in the gospel. You are a great example to all of those around you. I am blessed to have you as a friend, and know that you are a wonderful mother to all your children, and you will get to hold your son Benjamin in your arms again one day. That is an amazing gift we know to be true in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am glad you are now able to enjoy this pregnancy, and I am looking forward to hearing about all the great things you get to expeience with a precious daughter of our Heavenly Father. Love you girl!

Amy Kay said...[Reply to comment]
This comment has been removed by the author.
David and Kaitlyn said...[Reply to comment]

I still feel that way sometimes. I don't always understand why I get so upset that everyone is talking about being pregnant. I'm pregnant too now, so why does it still bother me? I guess it's just how confident everyone is, they don't worry every second the way that I do. I have good days and days that I'm umm... unpleasant. It's nice to know I'm not alone, although I'm sure your grouchy is about average for me!

snbjork said...[Reply to comment]

How blessed we are to have the priesthood within our reach. Sweet blessings from husbands and fathers. Yes, we are blessed. I'm always so glad to read about your personal spiritual growth. Gives me hope. Always so beautiful written. I miss you, Michelle!

Have you ever seen the movie "Faith like Potatoes?" It's based on a true story and taught some really sweet lessons. I think you'd like it!