Last night I was able to attend a SHARE meeting again, finally, after missing the last two months's meetings. SHARE is a support group for parents who have lost babies at any stage of pregnancy. My angel nurse who attended Benjamin's birth and took care of us all that day is one of the nurses who leads the group, so I love getting to see her again. This time I was the only one in attendance and got all the attention to myself. :)
After we visited for a while, they offered to take me upstairs and let me get a picture of the room where we held Benjamin just after his birth. It was dreamlike to be there again. We followed my exact path from that morning, through the double doors just past the nurses' station, and then down the hall to Room 10. I could only peek in, since someone was in the room, but just seeing that room again brought powerfully vivid memories back to me, seeming to erase the 6 1/2 months that have passed since then.
They took me to the OR as well to see where he had been born, and she showed me the place where she had cleaned him and taken his first pictures. It was amazing to see it from a vertical standpoint--the room is quite a bit smaller than I had realized. To be there with my nurse, who had held my hands and coached me through the epidural, and who had held my baby's sweet face next to mine during the surgery so that I could enjoy him right away, and who remembered details of that day just as clearly as I do, was a precious experience. It was like a witness that it really happened.
Maybe it sounds odd that I would need an additional witness. After all, DC was there, too, and my mom and dad and several of my family. But somehow having my nurse remember it, too, as a more objective but still very tender-hearted testimony, filling in my memories with facts that I had missed at the time, really uplifted me and made me feel close to my absent son.
4 comments:
What a neat opportunity to have her all to yourself and to get to re-walk those same paths from a few months ago, but from a different perspective. Did you find it to be painful or more peaceful and calming? I can only imagine what this whole experience must be like. You sure are a great lady, Michelle!
Hi there. Just want you to know we love your family and think you are all awesome. I hope this chance was a comfort to you in your grief.
I'm so glad you could go have that experience. I have noticed too, that when something really hard happens it's nice to have the validation from someone outside my regular experience. It makes sense to me!
Cindi
Painful and peaceful. I felt happy and calm while I was there, then as I left I just wanted to cry.
I'm glad it happened, though. I think it will make it easier when I go back to have our next baby (hopefully sooner rather than later!).
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